Scratch and Sniff: Astonishing New Finding in Sex Research!

While perusing the Internet yesterday, crankyjewishguy (CJG) came across an article that really piqued his interest. The article says scientists have determined that the way a man smells may be the most important factor for women when it comes to picking sex partners. This caused CJG to immediately tuck his nose under his arm in the middle of Starbucks where three very attractive women were in the process of undressing the nerdy guy at the next table who apparently smelled like Brad Pitt (no pun intended).

What CJG finds especially remarkable is that there are real scientists out there spending real time and real money to study such things. Rather than spending their time finding cures for disease, or figuring out how to save the Earth from the ravages of climate change or a speeding asteroid the size of Rhode Island, these scientists are figuring out what odors women find attractive in a man. Finally, science we can actually use! Scientists aren't going for cologne or aftershave odors, but natural odors which, theoretically, can only be masked by colognes and aftershaves, but not altered by them. One experiment involved having men wear the same t-shirt two days in a row and then having women smell the different t-shirts and, based on that, pick a husband, or something like that. Just who, CJG wants to know, volunteers for these experiments and what are their goals in life?

Even more astonishing is that scientists have determined that odor preferences vary by city. So, for example, women in New York prefer men who smell like coffee, which may explain the high rate of STDs among male baristas in Manhattan. In L.A., it's lavender. In Chicago, it's vanilla. Cut grass, for reasons unclear, is the preferred odor in the Twin Cities. OK, so far, so good. But if you are a guy and you live in Houston, you need to aspire to smell like barbeque. No, CJG is not kidding and no, he doesn't want to meet your cute sister from Houston. But CJG's favorite is Philadelphia. You'd think the preferred man odor there would be cheese steak, but it's not. It's clean laundry. How they determined this by having women sniff two-day old t-shirts CJG has no idea.

Do women in Philadelphia prefer men
 who smell like cheese steak? The answer may surprise you.

The obvious lesson here is that men having trouble dating should figure out what their natural odor is and move to the city where women prefer that particular aroma. CJG conducted a little informal survey of his own and offers these suggestions:

If you smell like a landfill...Newark or Jersey City, NJ.

If you smell like oak with hints of blackberry and spice and citrus notes...Napa, CA.

If you smell like a buffalo in August...Cheyenne, WY.

If you smell like burning rubber...Indianapolis, IN. (Note, that's "burning rubber," as in the Indy 500, not "a burning rubber.")

And, if you smell like laundered money...anywhere in the 22nd congressional district of Texas. It worked for this guy: