Caution: Moron at Work!

If you follow the Rick Perry campaign as closely as crankyjewishguy (CJG) -- and who can resist watching a man implode on the national stage -- you know that he recently touted his new tax plan which will, he claims, greatly simplify the tax code, much like a Perry presidency would greatly simplify the presidency. To prove it he held up a postcard that had his entire tax plan on it. CJG isn't so sure this sent the message Perry was hoping for because it suggests that everything he knows about the subject can fit in a 3x5 inch space. CJG suspects that Rick Perry could probably fit a lot of what he knows about a lot of things on a postcard. What's next, a tweet that lays out the Perry Doctrine on war and peace? A text message detailing Perry's foreign policy? A postcard? So yesterday.

Rick Perry touting his new tax plan, simple
enough to fit on a postcard. Next week? A tweet
outlining the Perry Doctrine on war and peace.

Perry, of course, was simply trying to steal some of the attention that Herman Cain got for his 9-9-9 tax plan. So Perry came up with the 20% flat tax. But CJG thinks even these plans are far too complex for a country a simple as the US of A. To be really fair, everyone should simply pay the same amount. CJG thinks that $29.95 sounds about right.

Now, what Perry lacks in intelligence, debate skills, and knowledge of the world outside of Paint Creek, Texas, he makes up for in self-confidence. Yesterday, as you may have seen, he sought to reassure GOP voters that he could "handle" President Obama in a debate. Now, given that he had trouble stringing, if that's the proper word, a single coherent sentence together during multiple debates with his fellow Republicans, and given that President Obama, whatever his flaws, is endowed with the gift of eloquence, on what rational basis can Perry boast that he can "handle" Obama in a debate? This is the same guy who says he doubts climate change is real despite a mountain of evidence to the contrary, so CJG thinks Rick Perry has a slight problem when it comes to weighing empirical evidence.

And speaking of empirical evidence, if you need any proof that outside of any Rick Perry campaign event there ought to be a sign that says "Moron at Work," watch this video of a Perry campaign speech in New Hampshire. OMFG!

Two Jews and God Can't Save Texas's Bacon in World Series

Thirteen Jews appeared in Major League baseball games this past season according to Jewish Baseball News ("News and Stats on Jews with Bats"). Some are household names such as Ryan Braun of the Brewers (who barely missed winning the National League batting championship this season with a .322 average) and Kevin Youkilis of the Red Sox, and some just had the proverbial cup of coffee, or as we Jews like to say, bowl of borscht, in the majors. Oddly, none of of the thirteen plays for the Tribe (for non-baseball fans, that's the Cleveland Indians). But two, Ian Kinsler and Scott Feldman, both star players, are on The Texas Rangers who, twice last night, in the bottom of the 9th and 10th innings, were one strike away from their first-ever World Series championship only to let it slip away when David Freese homered in the bottom of the 11th.

Scott Feldman

Ian Kinsler

Freese, it should be noted, is not Jewish. Now, normally crankyjewishguy (CJG) wouldn't point this out, but when he was interviewed on the field immediately after his series-tying home run (and it should be noted that it was Freese, a local St. Louis boy, who also had the triple that drove in two runs trying the game in the bottom of the 9th), he didn't thank God, thank God, he just seemed like an excited kid on whom fortune had smiled. Now, for the purposes of this blog post let's keep in mind that Freese's team actually won the game.

By contrast, Josh Hamilton's team, the Rangers, lost the game, despite a two-run home run Hamilton launched into the seats in the top of the 10th inning. In his post-game interview Hamilton had this to say: "The Lord told me it was going to happen before it happened. You hadn't hit a home run in a while. You're about to right now." The Lord must have a great but ironic sense of humor, though, because he (or she) apparently didn't see fit to also tell Hamilton that it wasn't going to matter.

So, where does this leave Kinsler and Feldman? CJG isn't really sure but he does know it leaves the Rangers eight men short of a minyan.

Bad Lindsay, Good Lindsay

If there's one person crankyjewishguy (CJG) hasn't heard enough about lately, it's Lindsay Lohan. CJG isn't even sure why she's famous. Is she a tennis player or something? No, that was Amy Winehouse. Anyway, CJG does know she's been in and out of jail, that she takes a lot of medicine, and is often late for stuff. Like the other day she was supposed to do some court-ordered community service at a morgue and she was sent away because she showed up late. CJG doesn't know what she was supposed to do at the morgue, but he thinks it's safe to say that not too many people in the morgue are in a big hurry to do anything so being late doesn't sound like a huge problem. To make up for her tardiness, she showed up the next day with a box of donuts. Well, one published report said donuts, another said cupcakes (why can't the media get this story straight!) and in any event the assistant coroner deemed Lohan's efforts to lift the spirits, so to speak, of her charges, inappropriate. He's right, of course. It was incredibly insensitive since most of the residents probably died of obesity and other diet-related ailments. Talk about rubbing salt in the wounds (or sugar in the arteries). Sometimes CJG suspects Lindsay Lohan thinks she deserves special treatment just because she's a celebrity.

Hey everybody, Lindsay brought donuts!

If you've been watching the new Lindsay Lohan 24-hour pay-per-view channel, you probably already know that Lindsay has agreed to pose for Playboy for a million dollars (note to the GOP: don't even think about raising this "job creator's" taxes) and her father was arrested yesterday in Florida on domestic violence charges. What a family of attention seekers! Believe CJG, if they wanted anonymity they'd be bloggers.

Lindsay Lohan in familiar surroundings. When she
isn't in rehab she's in court.

P.S. The woman sitting next to CJG at Starbucks today keeps lifting her empty coffee cup and banging it on the table as she talks. If CJG had her cell phone number he'd call her and tell her to stop.

A Universe of GOP Rising Stars

He's baaaaaaack! Crankyjewishguy (CJG) took a long break from his blog to go to the bathroom (yes, it took five months, but that's CJG's business). Actually, one reason CJG has been away is that he was finishing a book he wrote with Mrs. CJG that comes out next month. The marriage survived and the book is destined for greatness. The other reason, is that CJG decided to run for president as a Republican and has been building his campaign staff in the all important primary state of North Dakota where, next month, CJG will debate Michelle Bachmann on the subject of whether she is mentally competent. That should take about five minutes.

The new cast of "The Biggest Loser"? No, it's the 2011 GOP  field.
Note the presence of the Pillsbury Doughboy, third from left.
Tim Pawlenty, second from right, was voted off the island and Rick Perry
took his place only to find the surrounding waters way over his head.

Speaking of Michelle Bachmann, CJG has, of course, been closely following the circus known as the GOP race for president in which the idea seems to be to see who can say the most ridiculously stupid shit in hopes of getting the nomination. Rick Santorum's platform seems to be two pronged: the family is sacred and no one should have sex except under very special circumstances most of which have something to do with creating Christian families. Newt Gingrich, who by his own admission is the brightest of the candidates, thus damning himself with faint praise, looked at the wreckage of the U.S. economy and decided someone should go to jail -- not the CEOs of AIG, Lehmann Brothers, Countrywide or anyone else who actually had a prominent role in destroying the economy. No, Newt said Barney Frank and former Senator Chris Dodd should go to jail. Rick Perry, whose main qualification for the job appears to be incredible posture, apparently didn't realize that looking the part and acting the part are two different skill sets. Asked why there are one million children in Texas without health insurance, he immediately launched a blistering attack on Mitt Romney for hiring a lawn care company that employed an illegal alien to cut his grass thus drawing a illuminating connection between the two issues CJG had never made before.

Well, fancy me! Rick Perry as "yell leader"
at Texas A & M during his salad days.
The dog was later executed.

Speaking of immigration, the GOP field is doing what politicians do whenever times are tough: looking for a scapegoat. And what better scapegoat than illegal immigrants! They have no money or power. Let's blame them! So, who is the toughest hombre in the lot on this issue? Michelle Bachmann showed she is doubly tough on illegals by proposing not one fence along the entire US-Mexico border, but a double fence! Nice try, Michelle, but she never saw Herman Cain's solution coming: an electrified fence that would kill anyone trying to get across the border looking for a job as a delivery man for Godfather's Pizza. Cain is the new Ross Perot: a successful businessman with a simple solution for every complex problem. Most memorably, of course, his 9-9-9 tax plan that would raise taxes dramatically on the poor and the middle class while cutting them for Mitt Romney so he can fulfill his role as a "job creator."  The more Herman's ideas get exposed as lunacy the higher he rises in the GOP firmament. Please: someone call 9-1-1. Then, of course, there's good ol' Mitt Romney trying to come across as the everyman as he quadruples the size of his beachfront home in La Jolla, California and tells audiences that "corporations are people, too." He does have a point in that Mitt is a walking, talking corporation who specialized in taking over companies at Bain Capital then squeezing them dry for the cash while firing thousands of employees. He talks a good game about "job creation" but his real expertise is in job destruction and hair care products. Unlike many of his GOP competitors, Mitt cannot plead the insanity defense, but has there been a politician in recent memory so devoid of any core convictions? Trust CJG, Mitt Romney the presidential candidate and the Mitt Romney who was governor of Massachusetts are not the same person. Either that or the man has a serious case of multiple personality disorder.

Given the high quality of the GOP debates, CJG is amazed that no has taken the obvious line of attack against Perry yet: that if you rearrange the letters in Texas you get Taxes. If that doesn't set the Republican base on fire nothing will. The next time Michelle Bachmann is asked what color the sky is, she should go right at Perry on this.

Despite this, shall we say, lackluster GOP field, President Obama is in big trouble because everything that is wrong in the country today is his fault. You can take down bin Laden and Quaddafi (or Kadaffi or Qadaffy or Hanukah or Chanukkah, whatever) without a single American casualty, end the ten year war in Iraq, and finally make sure everyone is this country has health insurance, but unless you can fill, in three years, the 8 million jobs hole Bush left behind you're toast. So, help is on the way. As soon as the GOP regains power and can continue its massive wealth redistribution program in which the top 1% will soon have everything, they'll start using all that excess cash to create jobs on the plantation for the rest of us. CJG, for one, hopes to land a job as a surf board waxer at Mitt's place in La Jolla.

Man of the people, Mitt Romney, waves from his hot
air balloon above the 3,000 square foot La Jolla home
he is tearing down to build a 12,000 square foot home
in its stead.