The Dirt Devil

Crankyjewishguy (CJG) bought himself a Dirt Devil the other day, one of those hand held vacs and he couldn't be more thrilled. But, in order to activate the warranty on his $35.95 Dirt Devil, he had to send back this little card. You've seen them. They come with virtually every new appliance you purchase. You could make a career out of filling these little cards out. Now, CJG can understand why Dirt Devil needs to know his name and address in order to activate his warranty, but after that he thought the questions got kind of personal. For example, Dirt Devil wanted to know how much money CJG makes. They also wanted to know his three favorite hobbies. (Well, house cleaning is one. That's why he bought a Dirt Devil.) Then: how old are CJG's kids? What credit cards does CJGcarry? What magazines does he read? Can you possibly imagine why Dirt Devil would want to know whether CJG plans to take a plane trip in the next six months? He has no idea, but the little Devil would make a nice carry-on and CJG could tidy up the coach cabin after lunch.

It's all about market research, of course. Dirt Devil wants to know everything about everyone who purchases a Dirt Devil so they can...so they can do what? Figure out if a purple Dirt Devil would sell better than the red one? Whether to add more suction?

Now, CJG has a few suggestions for Dirt Devil and other appliance manufacturers.

First, it's not polite to ask people how much money they make. The bank that holds CJG's mortgage? They can ask him how much money he makes because they're lending CJG a lot of dough. But if you're selling CJG a $40 appliance, what are you worried about? That he can't make the payments?

Second, you want CJG to help you on your fishing expedition and tell you what factors influenced his decision to buy a Dirt Devil, and where he learned about Dirt Devil products? Then put a freakin' stamp on that stupid little reply card. Why should CJG have to pay the postage? And while you're at it, have one of your people locate the serial number and write it on the card. CJG don't have time to reverse engineer all these appliances looking for the clever place where you've hidden the serial number. Honestly.

Third, unless you're selling CJG pornographic material, an automatic weapon, or alcohol, don't ask his how old he is. Is there an age requirement for operating a Dirt Devil? Do you need some kind of license?

If they really want to know who's buying their product, the questions have to be more imaginative and probe deeper. All they know now is that their customers are either male or female, that some have kids and some don't, that some are married and some are not, and that most people like answering inane questions about themselves.

Here are CJG's suggestions. (Please circle your answers.)
            1. I bought this Dirt Devil for (a) business, (b) pleasure.
            2. Are you a member of a satanic cult and, if so, was this a factor in your decision to purchase a Dirt Devil?
            3. What is your annual household income (exclusive of lottery winnings and short-term capital gains): (a) less than $1 million, (b) more than $1 million, (c) none of your [expletive deleted] business. (Please attach most recent Form 1040 with schedules.)
            4. Where is Osama bin Laden? ____________________________ (use additional sheets if necessary.)
            5. Are you a friend or acquaintance of Fox News business correspondent John Stossel or any members of his immediate family? (a) yes, (b) no, (c) maybe. (If (a) or (c), please return Dirt Devil immediately in postage pre-paid box.)
            6. Which of the following have you used in the last 12 months: (a) alcohol, (b) marijuana, (c) cocaine, (d) LSD. (If (d) please read important safety warnings about using Dirt Devil under the influence of hallucinogenics and sign attached waiver of liability.)
            7. How do you like your meat? (a) rare, (b) medium rare, (c) medium, (d) well done. (If vegetarian, read special cautions before operating Dirt Devil.)
            8. How did you learn about this product? From (a) Glenn Beck, (b) my dentist, (c) my broker, (d) a little voice in my air conditioner.
            Now that would give the folks at Dirt Devil some real information to go on.


(P.S. CJG had some minor formatting issues this morning. He begs your indulgence.)

Ask Crankyjewishguy Vol.6: NOLA

Knowing that crankyjewishguy (CJG) is currently in New Orleans, Brett in Minneapolis e-mailed CJG this New Orleans related question.

Dear CJG,
I know you are Jewish so let me ask you Four Questions: what makes New Orleans so different from any other city?
Brett in Minneapolis

Dear Brett,
First, you only asked one question, but CJG assumes that's because you are in on the little secret that even very few Jews know: that on Passover, it's really one question with four answers, to wit, "why is tonight different from every other night?" The answers, as you probably know, include, "because on most nights we eating sitting up and tonight we eat reclining," "because on most nights we eat leavened bread and tonight we eat only unleavened bread," and "because on most night Uncle Hesche isn't here with our bratty cousins boring us to tears with stories about his medical problems."

But to answer your question, what makes New Orleans -- or NOLA as we who are really cool and in the know like to call it -- so different is that only in New Orleans two weeks before Mardi Gras can you see about a dozen major pre-Mardi Gras parades that make moving around parts of the city nearly impossible. Only in New Orleans is a "major police presence" defined as a dozen on-duty uniformed officers on parade duty helping themselves to drinks at a local bar along the parade route. And only in New Orleans can you sit down at a restaurant with beer you've brought in and without a thought the waiter opens one for your 15 year-old son who looks about four years younger. Let the good times roll, indeed.

This is not a Mardi Gras scene. It's an
official college tour of Tulane University.

Lenin's Tomb

Have you ever been to Moscow? Crankyjewishguy (CJG) has, several times as a matter of fact. And one of the world's strangest sights is in Moscow, inside Lenin's Tomb in Red Square to be precise. There, the actual body of Vladimir Ilyich Lenin lies in a climate controlled, plexiglass crypt so that nearly a century after the Russian Revolution, the man looks like he just stepped out of the office for a quick nap. And if you're willing to wait in line, you can catch a glimpse of him in eternal repose. When CJG's older son was five, he took him all the way to Disney World to wait in line for 45 minutes to meet Mickey Mouse, but Mickey was alive. He's not sure it's worth such a long wait for a guy who can't even pose for pictures with your kid. However, if you feel your kids need to learn that life isn't all cartoon mice and flying elephants, the ten hour flight to Moscow might be well worth it.

That is not reality, kids. This is reality:

Vladimir Ilyich Lenin, father of the Soviet Union, takes the world's longest nap

 in an effort to get himself in the Guiness Book of World Records.

Now the debate is open once again in Moscow about whether it's time to bury Lenin in a more traditional fashion, one that doesn't require a team of specialists to keep him looking exactly as he did the day he died. A deputy in Vladimir Putin's ruling United Russia Party, which favors sticking Lenin in the ground, put it diplomatically when he called the current arrangement "an absurd pagan-necrophilic mission." This, of course, is heresy to an older generation of Russians who cling to the Soviet past.

CJG has no opinion, rare for him, on whether to move Lenin or leave him alone, but he's wondering when some American entrepreneur is going to step forward and offer to buy the body, move it to the U.S. and use it a prop to demonstrate the excesses of a national health care system.

Gone Fishin'

If you came here today expecting another finely honed blog post from crankyjewishguy (CJG), he's afraid you're going to be disappointed because it was 82 degrees in New Orleans yesterday and after two months of blogging daily, he decided to take a day off. So, try again tomorrow and CJG will see what he can throw together from the Big Easy. CJG appreciates your patronage and your patience.

(That's a gefilte fish.)

Do You Know Right from Left?

When the Tea Party folks take to the streets protesting, many with sidearms in full view, people like Sean Hannity and dingbat Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann hail them as ordinary Americans fed up with the status quo and exercising their rights as a free people. When millions of people in Egypt, Libya and Tunisia take to the streets they hold them up as people yearning for freedom. When policemen, firemen, teachers, nurses and other hard working Americans in Madison, Wisconsin gather at the state capitol to protest legislation that would remove the right of their unions to collective bargaining, Hannity, Bachmann, and their ilk demonize them as radical, left-wing crazies and slam their strong-arm tactics. These good Americans are the very same working class folks these Republicans claim to be fighting for. In the meantime, Rush Limbaugh, no stranger to obesity, has been lambasting Michelle Obama this week for eating a plate of ribs as she campaigns to reduce obesity in America. Does this asshole have nothing better to do? How low can he go? Crankyjewishguy (CJG) says, "f#*% him."

As you can see, this is a group of loyal, God-fearing Americans...

...and this is a group of drug-crazed commies trying to tear America down...

...and this is the biggest asshole in America.

Do You Know What It Means to Miss New Orleans?

Crankyjewishguy (CJG) knows he said he might not be blogging every day from New Orleans, but just a quick one. When he left Boston yesterday it was about 12 degrees and the piles of dirty snow at the end of his driveway were still about five feet high. As he drove along St. Charles Avenue yesterday afternoon the temperature was 75 degrees and the magnolia trees were in bloom. What's wrong with this picture? (Not the one below, the bigger picture.)

New Orleans, more than any city CJG has ever visited, is a state of mind and it is, in his humble opinion, America's most distinctive city, wholly unlike any other city in the country. Mardi Gras doesn't start for another two weeks, but this weekend there will be not one, not two, but three big pre-Mardi Gras parades, proving yet again that this city loves a party, or a parade, preferably at least one a day. There's a real charm to the city's amiable chaos, but it would drive anyone from neat and orderly Switzerland crazy. As they say, you can't think of New Orleans as the worst organized city in the United States; you have to think of it as the best organized city in the Caribbean. 

British Royal Family Snubs Obamas: Call in the Wedding Crashers

Crankyjewishguy (CJG) has posted a new blog entry every day since he started blogging on December 13, 2010. (You're welcome.) Even Barack Obama has taken a day or two off during that time, but not CJG. CJG thinks his persistence is paying off, however, as the list of countries where visitors to his blog come from continues to grow, with Romania and the Cayman Islands being just two of the more recent additions. (You can see a complete list here as CJG has quietly gone back and amended this old post from time to time.) As readers who have followed CJG for a while know, he didn't miss a day even when he was on vacation in Puerto Rico, the land of his birth. But CJG thinks maybe he needs a short break even though he continues to have plenty to say. In a couple of hours, CJG is flying to New Orleans for a few days to visit his son at Harvard on St. Charles. The weather down there is supposed to be great. So, don't be alarmed if CJG doesn't post something new every day from New Orleans. It just means he's having a really good time. On the other hand, if he finds a few minutes maybe he'll post something from the Crescent City just to let you know how it's going and to make you jealous. (It may surprise readers to know that CJG's finely honed blog posts, which would appear to take hours, if not days, to prepare, usually take about twenty minutes. Impressive, eh?)

Speaking of Barack Obama, CJG is really ticked off at Prince William and Kate Middleton for not inviting the Obamas to the royal wedding. Isn't it about time the British got over their loss in the Revolutionary War? There's no room for the Obamas but Kanye West got an invite? What's up with that? CJG hopes they aren't expecting him to sing. To be fair, they can only have about 2,000 guests, about the size of a typical bar mitzvah in Boca, but still..the President of the United States isn't good enough for them? For a minute CJG was startled to learn that even Glenn Beck had been invited. Then he put on his glasses and realized it was David Beckham, the soccer star, not Glenn Beck the professional clown.

Beck.

Beckham.
One of these men has been invited to the
 Royal Wedding in April. Do you know which one?
If you'd been reading the text and not just these captions you would.

CJG is also a little disappointed that he and Mrs. CJG weren't invited to the wedding because they're practically family. According to CJG's late father-in-law, who was a judge, Mrs. CJG's paternal grandmother's cousin married the Queen Mother's brother sometime in the early 1900s. For marrying a Jew, he was ostracized and the couple lived in self-imposed exile in South Africa. CJG hopes Colin Firth is reading this because this could be his next big role. In the meantime, although CJG has no reason to doubt his father-in-law, he is going to see if he can confirm the rumor and land a seat at Table 14 at the reception.

The Mid-Life Crisis Myth

According to a story on msnbc.com yesterday, the famous American mid-life crisis is a myth. Crankyjewishguy (CJG) was especially amused by this because just a few hours before stumbling upon this article he agreed to give his aging Volvo to his older son, who will be a junior next year at Harvard on St. Charles, otherwise known as Tulane University. Knowing he now needed to think about replacing his Volvo, CJG spent a pleasant half hour on the Mazda web site pricing Miata convertibles. No kidding.

Mid-life crisis symptom or practical family car?

Most psychologists peg mid-life as the desert between 40 and 65 (CJG is in there somewhere) and say there is no evidence that people in that age range experience life crises at a rate any different than people in other age groups and, in fact, most people's lives are very stable at mid-life. Reassured that his yearning for a Mazda Miata was not driven by some subconscious desire to return to his salad days, CJG now feels even more justified than ever about giving the Miata serious consideration. All he has to do is persuade Mrs. CJG of its practicality, like the fact that the trunk can hold one entire bag of groceries.

But CJG has a bone to pick with msnbc.com. The story debunking the mid-life crisis had photos of many people in mid-life who seem to be thriving -- Oprah, George Clooney, Jon Stewart, Jeff Bridges, Johnny Depp, Conan O'Brien, J-Lo, Colin Firth, Brad Pitt and Barack Obama among others -- and CJG spent the better part of Sunday trying to figure out what he has in common with these people other than age (and, in the case of Johnny Depp, looks) and came up empty. For one thing, not a single one of those people would seem to have to worry about money and that certainly can help keep you young. Second, they all have, with the exception of Barack Obama, job security. And, third, none of them needs to work as hard as CJG for attention, and when you dress like this it does seem you're trying to get people to look at you, don't you think?

CJG dressed as Capt. Jack Sparrow.

Ask Crankyjewishguy Vol.5: High Voltage Affair

Today, crankyjewishguy (CJG) dips into the mailbag to answer a letter from Todd in Lincoln, Nebraska, who needs some advice about marriage. Fortunately for Todd, this just happens to be one of CJG's many areas of expertise.

Dear CJG,
I have been happily married for twenty years, but lately I have become suspicious that my wife may be having an affair. For example, the other day I came from work and found the electrician wearing only his underwear while installing a new electric outlet in the floor under our bed while my wife was napping. Two days later, while my wife was in the shower, he was back replacing the wiring to our indoor hot tub, but we don't have a hot tub. Then, last night, at 2 a.m. I got up to get a glass of water and he was replacing the smoke detector in the guest bedroom where my wife was sleeping because my snoring kept waking her up. Should I be worried?
Worried in Lincoln

Dear Worried in Lincoln,
Only if he's not a licensed electrician.

This is CJG's licensed electrician, Verushka Volt,
with all of her tools. The fact that CJG uses a licensed
electrician gives Mrs. CJG peace of mind.

And So Was the Turnpike from Boston to Stockbridge

When crankyjewishguy (CJG) has an idle moment, which is to say every few minutes, he often finds himself preoccupied with meaningless conundrums. For example, one of CJG's favorite musicians is James Taylor. CJG has been listening to J.T. almost every day since 1970. During the summer, CJG often has occasion to drive west on the Massachusetts Turnpike to the small town of Stockbridge in the Berkshires, about two hours away. Boston to Stockbridge on the turnpike. Now, chances are you are familiar with James Taylor's beautiful song, Sweet Baby James, written not for himself, as many think, but for his then newly born nephew, also named James. That song's most famous verse goes like this: “Now the first of December was covered with snow/And so was the turnpike from Stockbridge to Boston/ Though the Berkshires seemed dream-like on account of that frosting/With ten miles behind me and ten thousand more to go.”

Since CJG has heard that song about three billion times over the past forty odd years, whenever he drives the turnpike from Boston to Stockbridge it doesn't sound right. So here's the conundrum CJG is doomed to contemplate without resolution until he drops dead: what if James Taylor had written “and so was the turnpike from Boston to Stockbridge?” Would “Boston to Stockbridge” have sounded mellifluous and “Stockbridge to Boston” awkward? When he finally gives up for the day on that particular question of no import whatsoever, CJG starts to wonder, what if, when they formed the band, they’d called themselves Nash, Stills and Crosby? It sounds so wrong now, but would it have ever sounded right, even if they’d picked the name from the beginning? Crosby, Stills and Nash rolls off the tongue so smoothly. But would the names in any other order ever have sounded right?

Nash, Stills & Crosby sitting in the
 wrong order unless Hebrew is your native tongue.

CJG is certain of one thing, however. The Captain and Tennille had it right. A reversal of the order would have doomed their career from the start.

One of their biggest hits was
"Muskrat Love." Still doesn't sound right.

P.S. Here's a photo of Crosby, Stills & Nash, out of order again (they never do seem to line up properly). The fourth guy in the picture is not Neil Young. It's CJG, and no, CJG is not kidding.

CS(CJG)N or, from left to right, NC(CJG)S

American Idiot

One of the reasons we have Medicare and Medicaid in this country is that we believe, or at least we used to believe, that older Americans and the poor should have access to health care. It's expensive, but basic human decency would seem to require it. Now, there are two things that drive the costs of these programs sky high: smoking and obesity. They aren't the only two, but they account for a huge amount of illness in this country and the costs for treatment are sky high. Just one small example: in 2003 American taxpayers paid approximately $37 billion in health care costs related to obesity, and taxpayers also pay a large portion of the $100 billion in annual health care costs related to smoking. So, you would think that Michelle Obama's efforts to encourage healthier lifestyles and combat obesity would be something all Americans could rally around. And you would be wrong.

America the beautiful.

Congresswoman and presidential hopeful Michelle Bachmann of Minnesota, the leader of the fruitcake wing of the Republican Party, a faction that seems to be swallowing the rest of the party whole, has gone on the attack against the First Lady, accusing her of promoting a "nanny state." (To be fair, Bachmann also objects to the First Lady's efforts to promote breast feeding, but it seems to crankyjewishguy [CJG] that if you are breastfeeding you have less of an incentive for a nanny since you need to be around a lot. But there's another connection: studies show breastfed children are less likely to become obese.) Bachmann is also one of those calling for reducing government spending (other than defense, of course) to about $84 a year. But she is also a deep believer in the "sanctity of life," and is one of those Republican scaremongers who told us, falsely, that Obama's health care reform plan included government death panels that would cut lives short. You see, if you are an obese smoker on terminal life support, Bachmann and her ilk would do what they did during the Terri Schiavo fiasco: get Congress involved in one patient's care by passing legislation specific to that one patient that sought to prevent the poor woman's husband from letting her die peacefully after fifteen years on life support. Can you imagine what that cost? (Schiavo's illness was not related to smoking or obesity; CJG is just making a point.) Oh, and did CJG mention these are the people who want government out of our lives?

If Bachmann wants to cut spending, you'd think she'd be all in favor of programs that discourage smoking and obesity, even if the government spends money on them, because they are a heck of a lot cheaper than the costs of treating smokers and the obese. It seems a fair bargain to CJG that if we provide health care to the elderly and the poor because we believe in "life," then we should do what we can to reduce the costs by promoting healthy life styles. Isn't that a family value? But you could spend the rest of your life arguing with an ignoramus like Bachmann and all it's going to do is raise your blood pressure and increase the cost of your own medical care.

It used to be that the good works of First Ladies were uncontroversial: Lady Bird Johnson promoted the beautification of America's highways; Laura Bush promoted literacy (apparently she failed in Bachmann's case); and Betty Ford helped us understand drug and alcohol dependancy. But in their never-ending attempts to cast the Obamas as "foreign" and "other" and "socialists," even efforts to encourage public health and thus reduce health care costs borne by taxpayers are suspect to Bachmann and the far right. If Michelle Obama's cause was preservation of Mount Rushmore you can be sure Bachmann and her crowd would vote the funds needed to blow it up. In fact, CJG is surprised Bachmann hasn't changed her first name. He bets she just hates having the same first name as the First Lady who, by the way, has more class and more brains in her right pinky than a hundred Michelle Bachmanns.

If Michelle Obama's cause was preservation of Mt. Rushmore,
Republicans would vote the funds to blow it up.

Surely You Jest!

A few headlines caught crankyjewishguy's (CJG) eye yesterday and he thought he'd share them with you.

First, this: "Charlie Sheen Offers Some Advice to Lindsay Lohan." OMG! Can you imagine how bad things would have to be in your life to be getting advice from Charlie Sheen? This is like asking Mel Gibson for tips on reaching out to the Jewish community, or John Edwards for marital advice. Heaven help Lindsay Lohan.

Then there was, "Horse Visits Starbucks Drive-Thru." What the headline failed to note was that there was a rider on that 'thar horse; it didn't just wander in there by itself. The horse, no doubt, used the occasion to carry on a loud cell phone conversation. Oh, and this didn't happen in Manhattan or L.A. It was in Plano, Texas, of course.

"Egypt Leaders Found 'Off' Switch for Internet," said yesterday's New York Times about the five days during the recent uprising that the Egyptian government managed to shut down the entire Internet in that country. CJG never knew the Internet had an on-off switch. Where do you suppose they keep it? In Al Gore's house? Under Kim Il Jong's bouffant? And besides the Egyptians, who else knows where it is?

Believe it or not, this little switch
controls the entire Internet. But where is it?

CJG loved this one from a local web site: "Temperature Could Rise to 60 on Friday." Now, CJG knows that means nothing to many of you, but trust him, this is the best news in a long time because the winter snows that have piled up around here have remained frozen in place for weeks and are so high that everyone in these parts feels like a rat trapped in a maze...and there's no pulling up to the Starbuck's Drive-Thru on a horse drawn sleigh. Oh, then again, maybe there is.

Overhead view of CJG's neighborhood from space.
If you look closely you'll find the on-off switch for the Internet.

A Little More Italy

Twenty-five years ago, crankyjewishguy (CJG) took a trip to Italy. He loved it. Great food. Beautiful scenery. Friendly people with a real lust for life. If CJG could be reincarnated he'd come back as an Italian painter and live in Umbria in an ancient stone house with a view of the hills, the vineyards and the cypress trees.

Speaking of lust, readers will recall that CJG had a few comments several weeks back about Italy's current prime minister, Silvio Berlusconi, who's in a bit of hot water for his alleged involvement with an underage girl (seventeen at the time). Now, a court in Milan has ordered that Berlusconi stand trial for sex crimes and for abuse of power for intervening on the young woman's behalf when she was arrested on an unrelated charge. With a record like that it's amazing Berlusconi isn't a member of the U.S. Congress, or maybe even President. But all this has really made CJG wish he (a) understood Italian and (b) had whatever cable channel is going to broadcast this trial. It's going to knock the Amanda Knox affair right off the front pages. (In case you missed the latest chapter in that saga, the parents of Amanda Knox, the American student convicted in Italy on sexual assault and murder charges, have been indicted in Perugia for allegedly libeling Italian police whom they accused of abusing their daughter while she was in custody.)

A typical party at the Berlusconi mansion.

If you ask CJG, Berlusconi doesn't have a chance. All three judges who will hear the case are women and will, CJG suspects, be less than favorably disposed towards a 74 year old man who was fiddling, and apparently even diddling, while Rome burned. It sounds as if Amanda Knox may have been the only young woman in Italy Berlusconi hasn't been linked to. Berlusconi, of course, sees all this as an assault on Italy's good reputation. The allegations, he says, "have offended the dignity of the country." Without prejudging the outcome of the case, CJG would say the Prime Minister has been doing a pretty good job of doing that all by himself.

A Shout Out to...

CJG is at a loss to explain it, but suddenly his blog is getting gazillions of hits from Germany, many more, in fact, than from his native USA, and as far as he knows no one is translating his brilliant musings into German. Why is this happening? Who are these people in Germany who find CJG so amusing? If you know the answer, please e-mail CJG! In the meantime, Ich danke Ihnen, Deutschland!

Gaga Lays an Egg

Maybe crankyjewishguy (CJG) is getting old, or maybe he just isn't getting it at all, but he was dumbfounded by Lady Gaga's arrival at the Grammy Awards the other night. First, CJG is only vaguely aware of who Lady Gaga is. Second, he can't name a single song she has sung. And, third, he doesn't really give a shit about Lady Gaga. But she arrived, as you surely know by now, inside a giant egg borne by four men, or four women that looked like men, or two men and...whatever. It looked like this:

CJG assumes there was an air hole in that thing somewhere. You have to need attention pretty badly to show up anyplace like that, and CJG is sure this piece of performance art had a message in there somewhere known only to Lady Gaga, her publicist, and a few really hip Lady Gaga fans. Actually, it sort of made sense since she was at the Grammys to sing her new song "Born Like This," except that CJG is pretty sure she was wasn't. Like the rest of us she appears to be a mammal and an egg, at least the kind that gets laid, had nothing to do with it. Or maybe the whole thing was an obscure but inspired tribute to dear old Theodore Geisel, the author of this fine book:

After all, there is something vaguely familiar about Lady Gaga, don't you think?

Cupid's Arrow

Feeling the love yet? Here in America we love our holidays, or more precisely, various retailers and manufacturers love the holidays because it's yet another opportunity to extract money from the American consumer. Woe to he, or she, who fails to at least shell out a few shekels for a Valentine's Day card, or more likely, some expensive flowers and maybe a romantic dinner. We've been conditioned since kindergarten for this. But Valentine's Day is no modern contrivance like Mother's Day and Father's Day: it's been celebrated in Europe since before Columbus arrived on North American shores. If you don't believe it, check out this cave drawing found by archeologists in southern France:

So, what does crankyjewishguy (CJG) have planned today to show his love and affection for Mrs. CJG? Well, first, he's going to continue to chip away at the ice and snow that are still clogging his driveway because nothing says "I love you" more than clear, dry asphalt. Then, if he can liberate his pick-up truck which has been stuck in place for over a month thanks to said snow and ice, he's going to take all the trash and recycling that's been piling up in the garage over to the town dump (that's right, where CJG lives it's self-service) because nothing says "Be my Valentine" more than a trip to the dump. Then, as he usually does because he is compulsive and Mrs. CJG is not, he's going to change the sheets and make the bed, do the laundry, vacuum the carpets, load the dishwasher, and balance the checkbook because nothing says "amore" more than an orderly house. Then, if he's still standing, CJG is going to take Mrs. CJG out to a nice restaurant for dinner and tell her if he had to do all over again, he'd have hired some help. Should be very romantic.

Believe it or not, CJG does about 95% of the
 housework around his place. It takes a toll.

Real Simple Scores Again

Readers of the blog will recall how much crankyjewishguy (CJG) values the household tips regularly provided by the good people at Real Simple magazine. For those with nothing but time on their hands, it's an incredible resource. For example, if you have a few weeks free, you can fluff your carpets with a dinner fork.

So, CJG was really interested when he saw a Real Simple web feature called "New Uses for Things in the Bathroom." There were 74 of them, but CJG only got up to about 39 before he was overcome with excitement. If you've been fluffing your carpets with a dinner fork, chances are when it comes time to meet your friends at a restaurant, you won't have time for a full shower and shampoo so you can "fake" a shampoo, according to Real Simple, by sprinkling baby powder on your head like a British judge and "combing it to the roots." But, really, can you imagine having so little time you can't spare 30 seconds to wash your hair properly? CJG also liked the suggestion that you can clean the gunk from your tile grout with an electric toothbrush. But it seemed a serious omission not to mention that you should change the toothbrush head when you're done. How did that get by legal? Need to dry your ear canals? A few drops of rubbing alcohol will do the trick, but trust CJG, is you have even a tiny scratch in there it's going to hurt like hell.

But there's no bathroom item that seems to have more uses than dental floss. For those who can't afford $3.99 for a cheese slicer at WalMart, you can use dental floss to slice cheese and hard boiled eggs (do not try on aged parmesan), mend your umbrella when the fabric separates from the metal spines, tie up a chicken or roast, slice a cake horizontally (something CJG has to do every day), or as a thread substitute. Having trouble picturing all this? Here are some visuals (CJG's favorite is the raw chicken):

Using floss to truss the chicken is especially clever since you can use the floss after you've eaten the chicken to clean your teeth or sew on a button. CJG would appreciate it if you didn't tell the people at Real Simple he's using their photos, but since the legal department is asleep at the switch it probably doesn't matter anyway.

All of this inspired CJG to come up with a few tips of his own. For example, you can use your toilet to provide a point of interest in an otherwise bland landscape, though CJG recommends having a back-up plan at home.

Did you know you can also use toothpaste to caulk around your tub? Much easier to use than the real stuff. And, finally, this: if you're making a Blue Hawaiian and run out of Blue Curacao, you can use Vick's NyQuil cold and flu symptom reliever, though you may find your guests nodding off earlier than usual. Bon appetit!

Free Advice for Beating Stress

According to a recent article in Prevention Magazine, everything we've been told about how to reduce stress is wrong. F#&K! How stressful is that! Maybe crankyjewishguy (CJG) should take up smoking. It's supposed to help reduce stress even as it kills you.

This man is stressed about being stressed.

In the article, Prevention conveniently lists "yesterday's wisdom" followed by "today's smart strategy" for reducing stress, and CJG is going to repeat them here along with his own wisdom for beating stress. Ready?

Yesterday's wisdom: Never soothe yourself with food.
Today's smart strategy: Treat yourself to chocolate.
CJG's take: Go on a fast food bender.

Yesterday's wisdom: "Om" your way to calmness.
Today's smart strategy: Do something you love.
CJG's take: CJG loves to "om." Now what's he supposed to do?

Yesterday's wisdom: Control your temper.
Today's smart strategy: Throw a tantrum now and then.
CJG's advice: Go ape shit on the next person who says "have a nice day" to you.

Yesterday's wisdom: Turn to family and friends for support.
Today's smart strategy: Cuddle up with your pet.
CJG's take: CJG owns a small turtle. When he tried to follow Prevention's advice he crushed the poor thing. Now he has to sue Prevention and he finds nothing to be quite as stressful as depositions. This was CJG's beloved turtle, Pokey. R.I.P., Pokey-mahn.

Yesterday's wisdom: Never go to bed angry.
Today's smart strategy: Just get some sleep already!
CJG's advice: Get some bennies and stay up for seven nights straight listening to The Doors.

Yesterday's wisdom: Express your feelings.
Today's smart strategy: Keep it to yourself.
CJG's advice: Feel yourself.

CJG is feeling better already. Om.

Another "Family Values" Republican Bites the Dust in Sex Scandal

Well, here we go again: another "family values" Republican politician caught in a tawdry sex scandal. This time it's Congressman Christopher Lee of New York, now former Congressman Christopher Lee, who resigned Wednesday when some interesting pictures of him turned up on the Internet. This is not one of them:

Former Congressman Christopher Lee (R.-N.Y.)

We'll get to Mr. Lee in just a moment, but for the record, crankyjewishguy (CJG) wants to make it clear that he actually doesn't care about the sex lives of presidents and members of Congress, unless we're talking about Congresswoman Kristi Noem of South Dakota; then he's very interested. He thinks there have been, and are, some very fine leaders with less than perfect records of marital fidelity and sexual propriety. Bill Clinton, John F. Kennedy, and Millard Filmore come to mind. (Actually, CJG doesn't know anything about Millard Filmore's sex life, he just loves the name.) But, CJG does take exception to politicians who campaign on so-called "family values," which usually includes a rabid antipathy to gay rights and gay marriage, whose own family values leave much to be desired. Their sanctimony is repellent. There's Mr. Family Values, Republican Senator David Vitter of Louisiana, who was caught up in a prostitution scandal that revealed the Senator's affinity for diapers, yet his campaign commercials use his wife and kids for props to show you what a great family man he is. (Despite the scandal he got re-elected by a wide margin last year.) There was Republican Senator Larry Craig of Idaho, super conservative, arrested for soliciting gay sex in an airport men's room. There's Republican Senator John Ensign of Nevada, also a big family values guy, who was sleeping with the wife of one of his aides. And, of course, there's Newt Gingrich who was trying to impeach Bill Clinton over the Lewinsky matter as he himself was having an extramarital affair. There are frisky Democrats, too, of course, with John Edwards being Exhibit A, but he appears to be certifiably nuts and he didn't run around campaigning on a platform that tells other people how they ought to lead their sex lives. These GOP hypocrites take to the floor of the House or Senate and rail against gay marriage because, they argue, it will undermine the American family, then ravage their own American families because their egos and, excuse CJG for this, their dicks get in the way. Marriage is so special, they claim, heterosexuals have to fight to keep it for themselves or it won't be special anymore. How full of shit are these people?

So, back to Congressman Chris Lee. It seems he's one one of those self-respecting, cosmopolitan men CJG wrote about a few days ago who troll Craigslist for prey. And he made the mistake of sending one of the "women seeking men" on Craigslist a photo of himself which found it's way -- surprise, surprise -- into cyberspace. Here's the photo in question:

He rather fancies himself, don't you think? Notice the tightly curled right fist so he can flex a little political muscle, and the vapid, penetrating gaze that asks, "are you as into me as I am?" Maybe we should be grateful for small favors; at least he kept his pants on and had the decency to dispense with the American flag as a backdrop.

Buried Treasure in Winter Snow

If you live in a warm or even mild climate, you probably think crankyjewishguy (CJG) and his fellow New Englanders spend their winters gamboling across the countryside sipping hot cocoa and admiring downy white snow that makes the world seem as cozy as a snow globe on January Jones's dresser. Something like this perhaps:

But it's not like that at all. Oh, maybe for a few hours after the snow falls the world looks as pure as Snow White on her wedding day, but after that the snow turns black from car exhaust. And after that, when it all starts to melt, you get scenes like this:

You see, when a big storm bears down and the sanitation department can't pick up the trash, it sits there under the snow, maybe even for weeks during a bad winter. In New York this week, as the snow has receded, people have found garbage, rats in soda cans, bikes, sludge and even human bodies on the sidewalks and in cars that were buried by the blizzard. Inspired by what sounded like a great opportunity to find something valuable, or just plain interesting, CJG spent a day walking through Boston to see what he might find buried in the snow and, boy, was he ever rewarded...big time.

For example, down near Northeastern University he found this next to a parked car:

At first, CJG thought it was his Uncle Stu who had wandered away from his assisted living facility, but later discovered it's a rare Egyptian mummy that was being delivered to the Museum of Fine Arts and apparently fell off the delivery truck.

Then, CJG stumbled onto this amazing find:

It was inside an envelope postmarked in Philadelphia in 1776 and addressed to John Adams, Peacefields, Quincy, Mass., but marked "Return to Sender: Insufficient Postage." CJG has dried it out and posted a message on Craigslist seeking descendants of the original sender.

But nothing surprised CJG more than to find this adorable fellow nearly frozen to death in a snow bank near Fenway Park. CJG has since thawed the grateful little guy out in his microwave and put him on a plane back to L.A. to resume his acting career. Good grief, winter really does suck.

Random Musings for a Wednesday

"JetBlue Passenger Swallows 50 Cocaine Pills, Flies to U.S." said a headline in The Huffington Post yesterday. Crankyjewishguy (CJG) guesses the only question is whether she flew to the States on the plane or all by herself. Apparently, 21 year-old Luisa Gill swallowed the pills in the Dominican Republic and was arrested on her arrival in Boston when she began "acting suspiciously." CJG suspects she was going round and round on the baggage carousel for a few hours when police realized no one was going to claim her.

The view out your JetBlue window when you fly after
 swallowing 21 capsules filled with cocaine.

It was also reported yesterday that Bristol Palin, the daughter of Half Baked Alaska, plans to run for political office some day, if she sees "something that needs to be changed." That's good to know because (a) we could certainly use someone with her vast life experience and high school education and (b) it means that everything is copasetic with Bristol right now and nothing needs to be changed. Kid, if your mother, by some miracle, gets elected president that will be your cue. In the meantime, the baby's diaper probably needs to be changed...now. Hard to believe that two and half years ago she was just an unwed, knocked-up teenager on pre-maternity leave from Wasilla High School and now, by dint of her intellect and hard work, is a national celebrity who owns her own home in Phoenix. Kids, here's a dirty little secret: the key to success in life isn't hard work and education; it's getting a senile politician named John McCain to put your ambitious, yet utterly unqualified mother on a national presidential ticket.

In other news, Orbitz.com, the online travel web site, surveyed customers ahead of Valentine's Day to find out which U.S. cities people thought were the most romantic. Talk about your scientific survey. Respondents were given only six cities to choose from: San Francisco (which came in first), followed by Miami, Las Vegas, New York, L.A. and Chicago. Couldn't they have opened up the competition a bit? What about Wilmington, Delaware,  Omaha, Nebraska, or Newark, New Jersey? C'mon, Orbitz, give us some real choices!

There's nothing like a romantic, moonlight stroll through downtown Newark.

And, finally, in the Poetic Justice Department, a man in California was killed yesterday by a rooster. Yes, by a rooster. The deceased was at a cock fight when all hell broke loose (he was not deceased at the time). In the mayhem, one of the roosters, with blades attached to his claw (as they are during cock fights), opened a substantial wound on the man's leg and he later died. Trust CJG, you won't see that on Animal Planet.

Facebook: The New Face of the World's Oldest Profession

Crankyjewishguy (CJG) often blogs about news stories he's read that involve professors and academics and the interesting, but often, shall we say, dubious research they pursue, but CJG really isn't sure what to make of this story. According to MSNBC.com, a Columbia University professor named Sudhir Venkatesh, whom CJG presumes is not Jewish, "spent a year gaining the trust of and tracking 290 prostitutes in New York to study the 'contrasts between old-world prostitutes and new-age sex workers.'" Wow, and they pay him for that?

CJG thought that by "old-world" it meant he was doing a historical comparison between, say, the Spanish prostitutes of Columbus's time and those of modern times, but that's apparently not the case. What he's studying is those who solicit business the old-fashioned way, by standing on dark corners in short skirts and low-cut tops and looking extremely available, for example, and those who are using Facebook, Craigslist and other new media to grow their business so to speak. In fact, according to Professor Venkatesh, 83% of the prostitutes he surveyed have a Facebook page which means CJG is going to be going back to his list of Facebook friends this afternoon and scrutinizing it very closely.

The new face of the world's oldest profession.

According to the good professor, in this day and age "no self-respecting cosmopolitan man looking for an evening of companionship is going to lean out his car window and call out to a woman at a traffic light." Right. If he's "self-respecting" he's going to troll the sex ads on Craigslist from the comfort of his own den while his wife and kids are upstairs sleeping. And the rise of new technology, says the professor, has made the trade "less risky and more lucrative," so much so that it has attracted "some middle-class women seeking quick tax-free income." Whoa! Good thing this guy doesn't work for H&R Block! CJG is pretty sure that the Internal Revenue Code does not exempt income earned from illegal activity from taxation (in fact, he just looked it up and he's right), though he's equally sure few actually declare it on their returns. Sorry, professor, tax free income is what you get from municipal bonds and certain mutual funds, not from turning tricks. Better stick to your field of expertise.

This is how today's discerning, cosmopolitan man arranges to pay for sex.

We Interrupt These Commercials to Bring You Football

The Black Eyed Peas are in the middle of an incomprehensible musical performance at half-time, so crankyjewishguy (CJG) has a few minutes to start this blog post about last night's Super Bowl commercials. Apologies to readers outside of North America, most of whom don't really care about the Super Bowl. Here in the USA, Super Bowl Sunday is second only to Groundhog Day as a day of national importance and in recent years it's become popular to handicap the television commercials shown during the game, most of which are prepared specifically for the Super Bowl, because the game itself often isn't interesting enough on its own.

So far, CJG is completely underwhelmed with the commercials, though he thought the little kid in the Darth Vader costume who thinks he started his father's Volkswagen with his special powers was really cute, and careerbuilder.com got a chuckle out of CJG, but only because the chimps in the commercial are funny the way chimps always are when they're dressed up in business clothes and driving cars. If Christine O'Donnell doesn't think humans and chimps share a common ancestor, she obviously hasn't seen a chimp in a jacket and tie trying to park a car.

The cost to all these advertisers to run these commercials is astronomical so you'd think Pepsi Max could do better than insipid slapstick in which people get hit in the head or the gut by flying soda cans. And CJG still doesn't know, after all these years, what GoDaddy.com does except make commercials with women with large...you know. If CJG had to guess he'd say Go Daddy is a restaurant chain that competes with Hooters. Sealy tried a little sexual innuendo, far more subtle than Go Daddy, with their "It's Better on Springs" ads, but CJG already has a mattress so he didn't care, and the ad where some guy sucks another guy's finger because he has Doritos residue on it ensured that CJG will never, ever eat Doritos again unless offered some by this Go Daddy girl:

Just what business is Go Daddy in anyway?

Car ads were big; Acura, Audi, BMW, Chevy, Chrysler, Toyota, Kia, Mini Cooper, Mercedes and Hyundai all tried to get CJG to buy a car, but to no avail, and what was Chevy thinking with its ad for the Cruise Eco which made fun of old, hard of hearing people? CJG is no expert in advertising, but this is supposed to motivate car buyers to choose an Eco?

CJG has always loved the eTrade talking baby, but the new ad with the baby and his Italian tailor wasn't nearly as funny as previous eTrade commercials. The baby didn't look like the same baby to CJG, either -- not nearly as cute as this guy:

An eTrade classic: shankapotomous.

Anyway, the Super Bowl is America's annual celebration of its real national pastime, overconsumption, and somewhere during the day-long saturation media coverage a football game was played and one team won and one team lost and now that we have that out of the way will pitchers and catchers please report to spring training so we can start thinking about green grass and blue skies? Thank you.