Adios, Herman!

Herman couldn't stand the heat so he got
out of the kitchen.

Crankyjewishguy (CJG) knows that there are millions of readers out there who depend on him for breaking news, so be prepared for this shocker: Herman Cain, beleaguered by accusations of sexual harassment and allegations of extramarital affairs, is “suspending” his presidential campaign, most likely until sometime in the 22^nd century. Republican voters fled Cain in droves as the allegations piled up, preferring instead a candidate with a proven record of marital infidelity, Newt Gingrich. Always seeking new levels of crazy, the GOP base is now just gaga over a disgraced former House speaker forced to leave Congress under an ethical cloud, whereupon he took up residence under another ethical cloud, taking millions in “consulting” fees from clients such as Freddie Mac even as he lambasted politicians for their associations with Freddie Mac lobbyists. In typical GOP fashion, Newt just changed the definition of lobbying so he could say he was never a lobbyist which is like saying water boarding isn’t torture because, well, because we say so. (Now fair is fair, Bill Clinton’s definition of sex excludes oral intercourse.)

Mitt Romney in his days at Bain Capital.

Now the person who must be ready to tear his million-dollar hair out about the latest turn of events in the GOP primary circus is Mitt Romney. As far as anyone knows, Massachusetts’s most handsome politician (sorry Scott Brown!) has been faithful to his wife, but even that’s not paying off as Republicans flee Cain for Gingrich. At least an extramarital affair would prove Romney has something other than ice in his veins. It would actually humanize him. Poor Mitt. If he were a thermostat the temperature would always read below freezing. Which is where his poll numbers are: frozen at 20%.

Actor John Hamm as Mitt Romney in the
remake of "It's a Wonderful Life." At Bain, Mitt
made millions buying companies and slashing
jobs and worker benefits -- a modern day Mr. Potter.

But let’s come back to horny Herman. Anyone who runs for president and doesn’t understand that their past behavior is going to become an issue obviously doesn’t know diddly squat about running for president. Has the guy never watched a previous campaign? And when you have absolutely no public record to talk about, you ‘d better be doubly prepared to have your entire life examined. After all, what else do we have to judge you on? How much pepperoni you put on your Godfather’s pizza? And it doesn’t help when you don’t know China has nukes and you aren’t sure why you disagree with Obama’s Libya policy because you aren’t sure what Obama’s Libya policy is. Cain, now nothing more than a punchline, was once the GOP front runner. What a party!

This Newt is a Weasel

This week, GOP presidential candidate and pompous, self-righteous boor Newt Gingrich attempted to square a circle and explain why he accepted more than $1.5 million in "consulting" fees from Freddie Mac while blasting others who had ties to the mortgage giant. Have people forgotten that Gingrich, a former Speaker of the House, left Congress under an ethical cloud? In 1997, the House voted overwhelmingly to reprimand Gingrich and fined him $300,000, the first time in American history a House speaker was ever reprimanded for ethics violations.

This ultimate Washington insider is now campaigning as the guy we need to change the culture in Washington. Is he kidding? He personifies everything that's wrong with Washington. Yet, he is now the reigning GOP frontrunner because, well, it was his turn. This is, of course, the same guy who was pushing for Bill Clinton's impeachment over a sex scandal at the same time he was cheating on his first wife because, as he later explained, he loves his country so much that he was working too hard on its behalf, got exhausted and then made some bad decisions. Even in North Korea they find his intellectual contortions, phony rationalizations and bogus explanations a bit much as you can see in the photo below as a focus group in Pyong Yang watches Newt during a recent appearance on ABC News.

Ask Crankyjewishguy Vol. 11: Which Way Does the Wind Blow?

As readers of crankyjewishguy (CJG) know, he takes great pleasure in answering questions from readers seeking wisdom and enlightenment, and goodness knows so many CJG readers are. It's sad, really, that this is where they turn for advice because it shows a certain desperation. CJG suspects these lost souls come to him having exhausted their psychiatrists, friends, and rabbis (and other clergy). But there's no doubt they have come to the right place.

Today's question comes, remarkably enough, from GOP presidential hopeful Mitt Romney. CJG isn't sure if the question is political or meteorological, though.

Dear CJG:

Which way is the wind blowing?

Desperately seeking a compass,

Mitt Romney
On the Road in my Escalade in Iowa

Dear Mr. One-Term Governor of Massachusetts:

What an interesting question from the guy fellow GOP presidential candidate John Huntsman and, CJG might note, fellow member of the Church of Mormon called "a well-lubricated weather vane." Your question is simple on the surface, but perhaps more complex than you realize. But judging from the American flag flying outside the Starbucks where CJG works rent-free he would say, "north at about 8 mph."

But CJG suspects your question is really a philosophical one. In Massachusetts, where the winds tend to blow to the left, you flew the kite of reproductive rights, universal health care and reducing greenhouse gas emissions. Now, running in the GOP primaries where the wind blows right at about 200 mph with occasional gusts to 300 mph, you hoisted the sail of water boarding, climate change denial, repealing health care and the anthropomorphication of corporations. (If you don't know what anthropomorphication means, CJG suggests asking Rick Perry.) With all due respect, CJG suggests you seek out a quiet, windless retreat and try and figure out what you really believe in, if anything. Does that answer your question?

The weather vane atop Mitt Romney's La Jolla
mansion, the one he uses so he can tack
with the political winds.

On a separate note today, CJG notes that the GOP candidate du jour who is not Mitt, Newt Gingrich, acknowledged today that he had a more extensive relationship with Freddie Mac, the U.S. backed mortgage giant, than previously disclosed. Bloomberg is reporting Newt and/or his "consulting" firm received somewhere in the neighborhood of $1.6 to $1.8 in fees for "strategic advice" over a nine to ten year period that ended, ironically enough, in 2008. Given Freddie's role in the 2008 economic collapse, and its enormous debt, CJG surmises that Newt's advice may have been a tad off the mark. But here's the real laugh line; Newt says he wasn't hired as a lobbyist but in his capacity as a historian. Oh, really? One who just happened to be a former Speaker of House of Representatives? Like there weren't any non-government connected historians around? And since Newt's area of expertise, history-wise, seems to be the Revolutionary and Civil Wars, one wonders what expensive advice a mortgage lender would need from such a historian. How to use a musket?

Seriously, does this ring true to you? No doubt Newt will be out there promising that if elected he's going to change the culture in Washington. Sure thing, Newt. It's enough to make CJG want to give Mitt another look and CJG doesn't even vote Republican. But it is kind of understandable. The third Mrs. Newt has very expensive tastes and how else is a guy supposed to get a million dollar line of credit from Tiffany's?

"Oh, Newt, please buy me that nice monument in
the background!"

Excuse Me. Is That Your Foot?

Believe crankyjewishguy (CJG) when he tells you he isn't pulling your leg about this story he read online last week. British Columbia, as you may know, is a spectacular place with magnificent coastlines, dramatic mountain peaks, and pure, crystal clear lakes. When CJG traveled there a few years back it reminded him of where he grew up in northern New Jersey.

But British Columbia has been plagued of late with a very bizarre form of pollution. Over the past four years, nine, yes nine, unattached human feet have washed up on British Columbia's shores, the latest one on a lakefront. This kind of stuff wouldn't even be news in New Jersey, but in bucolic British Columbia it's really out of the ordinary.

Daniel Day Lewis starred in the
 1989 film that foreshadowed
events in British Columbia.

The previous feet, all in running shoes, have washed up on ocean beaches. Six of them were determined to come from four individuals (meaning at least two pair of socks managed not to get separated in the laundry). The last one was in a hiking boot. But here's the kicker, if CJG can use that term: foul play isn't suspected in any of these cases. Really? Somehow, at least six people went for a run or a hike, became separated from their feet, and foul play isn't suspected? CJG wonders what kind of evidence in a rash of missing feet cases would lead investigators to believe all of these people either outran their own feet, or otherwise managed to become separated from their primary means of locomotion by natural means. (By the way, for a fabulous rendition of Carole King's smash hit, Do the Locomotion, click here. That's Slash, no pun intended, on guitar. And note the YouTube headline: "Carole King feat Slash.")

Now, CJG is no detective or forensic anthropologist, but it strikes him that if these feetless people were dead, chances are other part of their bodies would likely have turned up at some point, too. Really, what are the chances that six or seven people in British Columbia could lose their feet and not have other body parts running around somewhere (so to speak). On the other hand, if these people were still around surely someone at some point would have noticed and said to them, "hey, what happened to your foot?" Or in at least two cases, if CJG's math is right, "what happened to your feet? Forget them on the trail?" CJG would also be interested to know what brand of running shoes and hiking boots were involved so he can buy other brands.

Astute fans of the hit TV series Lost always knew
this scene was shot in British Columbia, not Hawaii.

This is truly a first rate mystery. Almost as mysterious as the whereabouts of Rick Perry's brain.

If I Only Had a Brain

Wow. Crankyjewishguy (CJG) hardly knows where to begin. This week proved it's a target-rich environment out there.

Let's start with last night's debate performance by Not Ready for Prime Time Rick Perry who couldn't remember one of the three federal agencies he is pledging to eliminate as president which is actually OK since his chances of becoming president just dropped to about negative 100%. Perry has come off as such a buffoon that he's probably also dealt a serious blow to being re-elected governor of whatever state he thinks he is governor of. CJG read a report that he recently signed an execution order for an inmate on death row in New Jersey only to be reminded by a senior aide that he is governor if Texas. "Is that next to Louisiana?" the incredulous governor was overheard to ask. As Jonathan Chait of New York Magazine writes this morning, "ultimately, Rick Perry is going to be remembered as the man too stupid to win this Republican nomination. That is a remarkable feat." 

Rick Perry demonstrates his technique for neutering a Texas Longhorn.

Then, of course, there's the brilliantly run Herman Cain campaign which confirmed to Sean Inanity that the son of one of Cain's accusers works for POLITICO, the news outlet that broke the Cain sexual harassment story. Booya! Nailed that sucker. Except that the guy in question used to work at POLITICO and now works for another news organization. An insignificant, minor discrepancy? Perhaps. But it turns out the guy isn't even related to the accuser; they just happen to have the same last name! Now that's rich!

If Herman Cain doesn't want anyone looking into past allegations of sexual harrassment, maybe he should run for office in Italy where the Prime Minister can have sex with an underage prostitute and still hold on to power, only to be undone by the country's faltering economy. After all, as former chairman of Godfather's Pizza, if anyone is entitled to honorary citizenship in Italy it would be Cain. CJG wants to repeat that he doesn't know if these allegations are true, but the women who have come forward so far seem credible and to argue that this is irrelevant is disingenuous. Character is important and if a candidate is a serial harasser of women, well then voters can decide how important it is to them. But Cain's denials and the way his campaign is flailing around trying to assign blame for how the story became public doesn't pass the smell test. CJG's personal opinion is that this isn't some conspiracy to bring down Herman Cain. Who needs one? When it comes to self-destruction he's running a close second to Rick Perry.

Justin Bieber Did What?

Can we come back to Herman Cain for a minute? Crankyjewishguy (CJG) is growing increasingly concerned that the Cain sexual harassment controversy is stealing much needed attention from a far more important issue -- whether 12 year-old Justin Bieber fathered a child with a star struck fan he invited backstage after one of his concerts. Not only is Bieber one the greatest artists of all time (and CJG isn't just talking music here, you can throw Monet, Shakespeare and Pee Wee Herman in there, too), but he's a future presidential candidate so this issue is more significant than your usual Inside Edition fodder. Bieber is also a job creator. (CJG knows Bieber is 17, so please, just go with it.)

Just call me "Dad."

NEWS FLASH: CJG just learned that Justin Bieber is never going to be president of the United States. He's Canadian. Too bad.

Nevertheless, how can the public be expected to pay proper attention to the Bieber controversy when the Cain affair is sucking up so much air? There's only so much of this "he said, she said, but the DNA doesn't lie" that the public can absorb at one time.

The details of the Bieber affair, as laid out in a law suit by Mariah Yeater, the woman in question, are, to put it mildly, interesting. Bieber, she claims, was a virgin and that the act, which occurred in the romantic setting of a bathroom, lasted thirty seconds. (No wonder it wasn't twins.) But CJG thinks it's just a wee bit curious that the biggest pop star on the planet needed to ask a complete stranger back stage in order to lose his innocence when women of all ages are probably offering to lend a hand.

Abstinence advocate and unwed
teenage mother Bristol Palin
and baby. Note boy scout in
background protecting her virtue.
Could that be Justin Bieber's baby?

Hopefully, the National Restaurant Association won't settle the Bieber case, too, because only in a courtroom will the truth come out. And when it does, CJG predicts it will be of absolutely no consequence.

A Pizza Man You Can't Refuse?

OK, crankyjewishguy (CJG) just found a ten foot pole so he's going to touch this Herman Cain controversy. Hope he doesn't electrocute himself.

Unless you've been traveling in Bulgaria for the past two weeks you probably know that GOP presidential candidate and former chairman of the Godfather's pizza chain is struggling to deal with revelations that he was twice accused of sexual harassment by female employees of a trade association of which he was president. The motto for Godfather's, by the way, is "a pizza you can't refuse." Maybe Cain thought that applied to the company chairman, too.

Outraged professional pundits such as Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter immediately blamed liberals for the story arguing that liberals can't stand to see a conservative black man rising, as if this wouldn't be a story if we were talking about a white presidential candidate. (Hello, John Edwards.) But the Cain campaign itself didn't blame "liberals"; it blamed the Rick Perry campaign. And the Perry campaign blamed the Mitt Romney campaign. And Newt Gingrich said if any Republican candidate was responsible for leaking the sexual harassment story to the press they should be drawn and quartered as if it's better such things be swept under the carpet. Newt, of course, has good reason not to want bad behavior like this to become an issue: he's an admitted adulterer who left his cancer-stricken wife for another woman. It's getting a little bit like an Agatha Christie novel. CJG is waiting for the Romney campaign to blame Michael Dukakis.

Have I ever told you you look like Nancy Pelosi?

Apparently, fixing blame for how the story became public is more important than whether the original allegations had any merit. CJG has no idea whether they did or not, but he marvels that yet another feckless politician sallied forth on the winds of self-regard so high that it never occurred to him that a story like this, one way or another, was going to find daylight, especially when you're running for president of the United States. Dude, if you're running for president even your dental records are going to become public so there's no way the fact that your former employer paid cash settlements to your accusers, whether the allegations were true or not, isn't going to come out. And why shouldn't it? You want to be the leader of the free world? Then expect your life to be pried open. The mere fact that Cain seemed so utterly surprised and unprepared with a coherent, consistent response tells you a lot about his strategic planning skills, just as the fact that he didn't know China has nukes tells you something about his foreign policy qualifications. What next? Cain is going to tell us he can see Canada from his house?

CJG has this word of advice for Herman Cain. If you can't stand the heat, step away from the pizza oven.

It's For You. God Calling.

Today's topic, as it often is, is God's ironic sense of humor. Readers of crankyjewishguy (CJG) will recall that a few days ago he wrote about Josh Hamilton of the Texas Rangers who told reporters after Game 6 of the World Series that God told him he would hit a home run in the top of the tenth inning to give Texas the lead. CJG noted that what God neglected to tell Hamilton is that in the bottom of the eleventh he was going to have the Cardinals David Freese hit a walk off home run for the win, rendering Hamilton's homer an exercise in futility.

A young Josh Hamilton with
 his hitting instructor.

Today's "God is ironic" news comes from Marshalltown, Iowa where, last night, Michelle Bachmann told an enraptured audience passing around poisonous snakes that God, presumably the same one that fixes baseball games, was "calling" her to run for President. Now, CJG admits that's a hard call not to answer. When the phone rings and it's God, you take the call. But, again, God's ironic side is very much in evidence here because what he apparently neglected to tell Ms. Bachmann is that he also created 300 million Americans more qualified than she is for the job, including many of her GOP opponents and the fourteen-year old Metal Head in your family room who has been playing Wizards and Warlocks on the flat screen TV twenty hours a day for last six years.

Whenever CJG hears people say "God told me..." or "God called me..." he wonders, in the first instance, how anyone could be so presumptuous to think God would take time from his busy schedule to call them directly when Twitter and Facebook are readily available, and, in the second instance, that this person needs to call Verizon and get a cell phone plan with more free minutes. Look, if God were really speaking or calling people directly, surely he would have called CJG by now and revealed the meaning of life or given him some winning lottery ticket numbers.

Anyway, God is telling CJG it's time to go pick up his son at school so he has to sign off now. Oh, never mind, that was Mrs. CJG, not the voice of God. They sure do sound alike though.

P.S. Breaking news on another subject CJG cares deeply about, Linday Lohan. It seems Lindsay is going back to jail, not even stopping at "GO," for violating the terms of her probation. Honestly, what is this woman's problem?

Caution: Moron at Work!

If you follow the Rick Perry campaign as closely as crankyjewishguy (CJG) -- and who can resist watching a man implode on the national stage -- you know that he recently touted his new tax plan which will, he claims, greatly simplify the tax code, much like a Perry presidency would greatly simplify the presidency. To prove it he held up a postcard that had his entire tax plan on it. CJG isn't so sure this sent the message Perry was hoping for because it suggests that everything he knows about the subject can fit in a 3x5 inch space. CJG suspects that Rick Perry could probably fit a lot of what he knows about a lot of things on a postcard. What's next, a tweet that lays out the Perry Doctrine on war and peace? A text message detailing Perry's foreign policy? A postcard? So yesterday.

Rick Perry touting his new tax plan, simple
enough to fit on a postcard. Next week? A tweet
outlining the Perry Doctrine on war and peace.

Perry, of course, was simply trying to steal some of the attention that Herman Cain got for his 9-9-9 tax plan. So Perry came up with the 20% flat tax. But CJG thinks even these plans are far too complex for a country a simple as the US of A. To be really fair, everyone should simply pay the same amount. CJG thinks that $29.95 sounds about right.

Now, what Perry lacks in intelligence, debate skills, and knowledge of the world outside of Paint Creek, Texas, he makes up for in self-confidence. Yesterday, as you may have seen, he sought to reassure GOP voters that he could "handle" President Obama in a debate. Now, given that he had trouble stringing, if that's the proper word, a single coherent sentence together during multiple debates with his fellow Republicans, and given that President Obama, whatever his flaws, is endowed with the gift of eloquence, on what rational basis can Perry boast that he can "handle" Obama in a debate? This is the same guy who says he doubts climate change is real despite a mountain of evidence to the contrary, so CJG thinks Rick Perry has a slight problem when it comes to weighing empirical evidence.

And speaking of empirical evidence, if you need any proof that outside of any Rick Perry campaign event there ought to be a sign that says "Moron at Work," watch this video of a Perry campaign speech in New Hampshire. OMFG!

Two Jews and God Can't Save Texas's Bacon in World Series

Thirteen Jews appeared in Major League baseball games this past season according to Jewish Baseball News ("News and Stats on Jews with Bats"). Some are household names such as Ryan Braun of the Brewers (who barely missed winning the National League batting championship this season with a .322 average) and Kevin Youkilis of the Red Sox, and some just had the proverbial cup of coffee, or as we Jews like to say, bowl of borscht, in the majors. Oddly, none of of the thirteen plays for the Tribe (for non-baseball fans, that's the Cleveland Indians). But two, Ian Kinsler and Scott Feldman, both star players, are on The Texas Rangers who, twice last night, in the bottom of the 9th and 10th innings, were one strike away from their first-ever World Series championship only to let it slip away when David Freese homered in the bottom of the 11th.

Scott Feldman

Ian Kinsler

Freese, it should be noted, is not Jewish. Now, normally crankyjewishguy (CJG) wouldn't point this out, but when he was interviewed on the field immediately after his series-tying home run (and it should be noted that it was Freese, a local St. Louis boy, who also had the triple that drove in two runs trying the game in the bottom of the 9th), he didn't thank God, thank God, he just seemed like an excited kid on whom fortune had smiled. Now, for the purposes of this blog post let's keep in mind that Freese's team actually won the game.

By contrast, Josh Hamilton's team, the Rangers, lost the game, despite a two-run home run Hamilton launched into the seats in the top of the 10th inning. In his post-game interview Hamilton had this to say: "The Lord told me it was going to happen before it happened. You hadn't hit a home run in a while. You're about to right now." The Lord must have a great but ironic sense of humor, though, because he (or she) apparently didn't see fit to also tell Hamilton that it wasn't going to matter.

So, where does this leave Kinsler and Feldman? CJG isn't really sure but he does know it leaves the Rangers eight men short of a minyan.

Bad Lindsay, Good Lindsay

If there's one person crankyjewishguy (CJG) hasn't heard enough about lately, it's Lindsay Lohan. CJG isn't even sure why she's famous. Is she a tennis player or something? No, that was Amy Winehouse. Anyway, CJG does know she's been in and out of jail, that she takes a lot of medicine, and is often late for stuff. Like the other day she was supposed to do some court-ordered community service at a morgue and she was sent away because she showed up late. CJG doesn't know what she was supposed to do at the morgue, but he thinks it's safe to say that not too many people in the morgue are in a big hurry to do anything so being late doesn't sound like a huge problem. To make up for her tardiness, she showed up the next day with a box of donuts. Well, one published report said donuts, another said cupcakes (why can't the media get this story straight!) and in any event the assistant coroner deemed Lohan's efforts to lift the spirits, so to speak, of her charges, inappropriate. He's right, of course. It was incredibly insensitive since most of the residents probably died of obesity and other diet-related ailments. Talk about rubbing salt in the wounds (or sugar in the arteries). Sometimes CJG suspects Lindsay Lohan thinks she deserves special treatment just because she's a celebrity.

Hey everybody, Lindsay brought donuts!

If you've been watching the new Lindsay Lohan 24-hour pay-per-view channel, you probably already know that Lindsay has agreed to pose for Playboy for a million dollars (note to the GOP: don't even think about raising this "job creator's" taxes) and her father was arrested yesterday in Florida on domestic violence charges. What a family of attention seekers! Believe CJG, if they wanted anonymity they'd be bloggers.

Lindsay Lohan in familiar surroundings. When she
isn't in rehab she's in court.

P.S. The woman sitting next to CJG at Starbucks today keeps lifting her empty coffee cup and banging it on the table as she talks. If CJG had her cell phone number he'd call her and tell her to stop.

A Universe of GOP Rising Stars

He's baaaaaaack! Crankyjewishguy (CJG) took a long break from his blog to go to the bathroom (yes, it took five months, but that's CJG's business). Actually, one reason CJG has been away is that he was finishing a book he wrote with Mrs. CJG that comes out next month. The marriage survived and the book is destined for greatness. The other reason, is that CJG decided to run for president as a Republican and has been building his campaign staff in the all important primary state of North Dakota where, next month, CJG will debate Michelle Bachmann on the subject of whether she is mentally competent. That should take about five minutes.

The new cast of "The Biggest Loser"? No, it's the 2011 GOP  field.
Note the presence of the Pillsbury Doughboy, third from left.
Tim Pawlenty, second from right, was voted off the island and Rick Perry
took his place only to find the surrounding waters way over his head.

Speaking of Michelle Bachmann, CJG has, of course, been closely following the circus known as the GOP race for president in which the idea seems to be to see who can say the most ridiculously stupid shit in hopes of getting the nomination. Rick Santorum's platform seems to be two pronged: the family is sacred and no one should have sex except under very special circumstances most of which have something to do with creating Christian families. Newt Gingrich, who by his own admission is the brightest of the candidates, thus damning himself with faint praise, looked at the wreckage of the U.S. economy and decided someone should go to jail -- not the CEOs of AIG, Lehmann Brothers, Countrywide or anyone else who actually had a prominent role in destroying the economy. No, Newt said Barney Frank and former Senator Chris Dodd should go to jail. Rick Perry, whose main qualification for the job appears to be incredible posture, apparently didn't realize that looking the part and acting the part are two different skill sets. Asked why there are one million children in Texas without health insurance, he immediately launched a blistering attack on Mitt Romney for hiring a lawn care company that employed an illegal alien to cut his grass thus drawing a illuminating connection between the two issues CJG had never made before.

Well, fancy me! Rick Perry as "yell leader"
at Texas A & M during his salad days.
The dog was later executed.

Speaking of immigration, the GOP field is doing what politicians do whenever times are tough: looking for a scapegoat. And what better scapegoat than illegal immigrants! They have no money or power. Let's blame them! So, who is the toughest hombre in the lot on this issue? Michelle Bachmann showed she is doubly tough on illegals by proposing not one fence along the entire US-Mexico border, but a double fence! Nice try, Michelle, but she never saw Herman Cain's solution coming: an electrified fence that would kill anyone trying to get across the border looking for a job as a delivery man for Godfather's Pizza. Cain is the new Ross Perot: a successful businessman with a simple solution for every complex problem. Most memorably, of course, his 9-9-9 tax plan that would raise taxes dramatically on the poor and the middle class while cutting them for Mitt Romney so he can fulfill his role as a "job creator."  The more Herman's ideas get exposed as lunacy the higher he rises in the GOP firmament. Please: someone call 9-1-1. Then, of course, there's good ol' Mitt Romney trying to come across as the everyman as he quadruples the size of his beachfront home in La Jolla, California and tells audiences that "corporations are people, too." He does have a point in that Mitt is a walking, talking corporation who specialized in taking over companies at Bain Capital then squeezing them dry for the cash while firing thousands of employees. He talks a good game about "job creation" but his real expertise is in job destruction and hair care products. Unlike many of his GOP competitors, Mitt cannot plead the insanity defense, but has there been a politician in recent memory so devoid of any core convictions? Trust CJG, Mitt Romney the presidential candidate and the Mitt Romney who was governor of Massachusetts are not the same person. Either that or the man has a serious case of multiple personality disorder.

Given the high quality of the GOP debates, CJG is amazed that no has taken the obvious line of attack against Perry yet: that if you rearrange the letters in Texas you get Taxes. If that doesn't set the Republican base on fire nothing will. The next time Michelle Bachmann is asked what color the sky is, she should go right at Perry on this.

Despite this, shall we say, lackluster GOP field, President Obama is in big trouble because everything that is wrong in the country today is his fault. You can take down bin Laden and Quaddafi (or Kadaffi or Qadaffy or Hanukah or Chanukkah, whatever) without a single American casualty, end the ten year war in Iraq, and finally make sure everyone is this country has health insurance, but unless you can fill, in three years, the 8 million jobs hole Bush left behind you're toast. So, help is on the way. As soon as the GOP regains power and can continue its massive wealth redistribution program in which the top 1% will soon have everything, they'll start using all that excess cash to create jobs on the plantation for the rest of us. CJG, for one, hopes to land a job as a surf board waxer at Mitt's place in La Jolla.

Man of the people, Mitt Romney, waves from his hot
air balloon above the 3,000 square foot La Jolla home
he is tearing down to build a 12,000 square foot home
in its stead.

Weiner's Wiener: No Parallel to the Christopher Lee Scandal

When it was revealed that (former) Republican Congressman Chris Lee of New York had sent shirtless photos of himself to a woman over the Internet, readers of crankyjewishguy (CJG) will recall that CJG was in high dudgeon over his outlandish behavior, conduct that forced Lee's resignation. Now that Democratic Congressman Anthony Weiner has been caught sending pictures of his wiener around on the Internet, CJG has been silent. Now, some of you may suspect CJG of a liberal bias here, but you would be wrong. There's a big difference between these two cases. Everyone wants to see a picture of a Jewish wiener. Trust CJG, there's a big difference between a Jewish weiner from Brooklyn and that other one. You can even measure it with a ruler.

Engine Explodes: Flight Lands "Without Incident"

As you may have read this morning, a Cathay Pacific Airbus made an emergency landing back in Singapore, from which it had departed about 45 minutes earlier, after an engine exploded and caught fire causing the plane to jerk violently. Readers of crankyjewishguy (CJG) know that flying is not one of his favorite activities and this is why. In this photo, taken aboard the plane as it prepared to make an emergency landing, you can see that they have stopped in the in-flight meal service and many people are not wearing their seat belts.

But what CJG really loved about the article about this near disaster, is that a spokesman for Cathay Pacific said that the plane landed "without incident." Really? CJG would say that landing "without incident" means landing (a) at your destination, not your airport of origin, (b) in street clothes, not life vests and (c) on board a plane in which one of the engines has not exploded in flight. Don't you think?

Esquire's Question of the Day

WARNING: Today's post contains adult language and graphic content that ay not be appropriate for Hasidic Jews.

Yesterday morning, crankyjewishguy (CJG) was at one of his favorite coffee shops (i.e. not a Starbucks) where they have a magazine rack filled with interesting magazines you can read while you drink your coffee (as opposed to Starbucks where they will sell you a copy of Howard Schultz's new book about Starbucks).

Anyway, they had the new issue of Esquire which had a major article on men's health that included the results of an extensive survey. Most of the questions were predictable, such as how often do you exercise, what do you eat, are you getting enough sleep and so on. But there was one question that really stuck out, so to speak, and it was a very simple one: can you see your penis? pretty direct, too.

But simple questions defy simple answers, despite the fact that 83% of respondents answered "yes." For example, this question could just as easily be about eye sight as body weight. Before CJG guy had cataract surgery last year, without his glasses he couldn't see his hands if he held them up in front of his face and his penis is half way down his body; well out of range. The question is also more complicated than it appears because it didn't specify whether the penis should be flaccid or erect, nor does it make allowances for size. CJG bets there are some heavy men who would have to answer "sometimes" to what appears to be a yes/no question. So, if these men overwhelmingly assumed an erect penis we may have a skewed picture of whether they have a weight problem. It also seems to CJG that the question -- can you see your penis -- cries out for multiple choice answers such as (a) yes, (b) no, (c) easily, (d) in brightly illuminated rooms or (e) when I look in the mirror.

If, as CJG assumes, Esquire was trying to get a handle on how many men have a weight problem, aren't there better ways to find out? Like asking: are you overweight? This is why CJG puts very little stock in articles that appear in Esquire.

P.S. For obvious reasons, today's post has no pictures.

Is Bush Piqued?

Hard to know if the reports are true, but a story is moving on various news wires that President G.W. Bush declined President Obama's invitation to join him at Ground Zero today because he feels Obama is taking a victory lap and did not give Bush sufficient credit for the bin Laden operation. First of all, as the text of Obama's announcement the other night makes clear, he credited the efforts of everyone involved over the past ten years; he didn't make it sound as if it all began on his inauguration day. Second, he was gracious enough not to note that after bin Laden escaped at Tora Bora Bush took his eye off the ball and gave low priority to the hunt for bin Laden as he pursued war in Iraq. Third, for the past two years plus the man has been living on a cul de sac in Houston. How much credit is he due? He wasn't "the decider" on this: Obama took the risk, made the gutsy call, and made the hunt for bin Laden a top priority after it languished for seven years under Bush. If you ask crankyjewishguy (CJG) the notion that Bush is piqued, if true, is outrageous. By asking Bush to share the stage so to speak at Ground Zero today, Obama was inviting him to a display of unity and to share in the moment. If Bush is such a small man that he feels dissed, then he deserves to be ignored.

My President

Crankyjewishguy (CJG) thinks it's been too long since the death of Osama bin Laden and a return to the really important business facing the country: proving that Barack Obama is (a) a modern-day Hitler, (b) born on some other planet and brought here by aliens to destroy the Earth, (c) a closet terrorist as John McCain and his running mate, what's her name, insinuated in the last campaign, (d) a weak-kneed Chicago liberal who doesn't have what it takes to be Commander-in-Chief.

As you can probably tell, CJG is kidding because he really thinks it's time for those who have spuriously attacked the president's loyalty, American-ness, mettle and toughness TO SHUT THE FUCK UP. And that's all CJG has to say today: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

This is a picture of MY president and if you are a United States citizen, LIKE HE IS, then he is YOUR president, too.

Obama a U.S. Citizen? Still Waiting for Real Proof

Crankyjewishguy (CJG) still isn't satisfied that Barack Obama is a "natural born citizen" of the United States eligible to hold the office of president despite release of his long-form birth certificate. In fact, the release of that official looking document raises more questions than it answers. CJG thinks Obama needs to prove a few more things. Like whether Hawaii is actually part of the United States. CJG is sure that the 50 or 60% of Republicans who doubted the president is an American would agree with him that it's awfully suspicious that somehow, just two years before Obama was born, Hawaii was made a state. Isn't there something a little too convenient about the timing? Is there any reason to believe that Hawaii statehood wasn't just another part of the plot, hatched by a clever bunch of Kenyans, to make Obama president fifty years later? And where's the title to those islands? In what registry of deeds? Huh? What about that, Donald? Shouldn't we demand to see the deed signed by King Kamehameha? And who's to say "the president" was "natural born?" For all we know he was delivered by Caesarian section which isn't natural at all. (Luckily for the Donald the Constitution says nothing about "natural born hair.") Anyone can wave an official looking document around. Look at this thing? Does it look convincing to you?

C'mon, Mr. President, show us some real proof!

Where Have You Gone CJG?

If you're like crankyjewishguy (CJG), you've probably been wondering where he's been the past two weeks. Well, now that the statute of limitations has run he can tell you that he was on a privately funded mission to try and find Osama bin Laden in Tora Bora. Imagine CJG's surprise when he learned bin Laden had just escaped the region ten years ago.

CJG figured that by the time he got back his inbox would be overloaded with e-mail messages from people all over the world wondering what had happened to him, asking when he was going to blog again, and begging him to return to the keyboard. Instead, yesterday he had one e-mail from his brother in Boca Raton saying, "what happened to your blog." It's so nice to be missed.

The truth is CJG was finding it difficult to keep up with the demands of a daily blog even though he generally has nothing else to do. But in recent weeks, Mr. and Mrs. CJG have been on deadline for a book they are writing together, an effort to see if a marriage can stand the strain of living and working together. Check back with CJG in a few weeks. If you see him on J-Date it didn't work out so well.

So, what's been happening in the world during CJG's absence? So little changes. Donald Trump continues to ride the GOP Crazy Train, sending his own investigators to Hawaii to try and prove the president wasn't born there. Mitt Romney formed an exploratory committee to try and find out if he has any core convictions. Half Baked Alaska continues to try and master the English language with limited success. And the Boston Red Sox continue to be the worst team in baseball despite having the second highest payroll. Go Pirates!

In other news, the Catholic Church continued to cover itself in glory when a former Bishop in Belgium made light of accusations he abused his nephews by saying it was just a little game that involved "fondling" and that he was never naked. The extent of the Church's little abuse problem seems as limitless as its efforts to sweep the whole thing under the rug.

Air traffic controllers across the country are dozing off in droves and planes landing unassisted. Predictably, the controller's union says napping is necessary. Maybe, but not when you're the only guy on duty. I need to nap sometimes, too, but I make sure I'm not driving when I do. Scientists say naps make us more alert when we wake and CJG buys that, but when planes are landing with a controller asleep at the switch, that's not good.

So, dear readers, here's CJG's plan. He's not going to blog every day. He's going to blog whenever the spirit moves him, hopefully about once a week. If you want to know when a new blog post goes up, subscribe to the blog if you can figure out how. CJG can't help you there because he doesn't understand it himself. Or, just check in once in a while. As always, all CJG blog posts will be rigorously fact-checked by the staff of Congresswoman from Pluto, Michelle Bachmann, the dingbat who thought the battles of Lexington and Concord were fought in New Hampshire and that the founding fathers worked tirelessly to end slavery. CJG has to go now because the clueless guy sitting next to him at Starbucks is under the misimpression that he's in his own office and that we all like listening to him talk on the phone. Away two weeks in Tora Bora but CJG's pet peeves remain intact.

Today's Random Musings

Here's how it works in America where stardom, earned or accidental, is the coin of the realm: Bristol Palin, 20, the Quarter-baked Alaska, earned more than a quarter of a million dollars last year from a foundation that promotes teenage abstinence about which the unwed teenage mother would apparently know very little. So, you can be a teacher in Wisconsin, an auto worker in Detroit, or even a pediatrician in Iowa with thirty years of experience and you won't make close to that. But get knocked up by some knucklehead hockey player from Wasilla and have the senile John McCain pick your incompetent mother to be his running mate and the money flows in like oil in the Gulf. It's as American as apple pie.

America's sweetheart and unwed mother, Bristol Palin: abstinence advocate.

That giant sucking sound you hear in New England over the gnashing of teeth is the despair of Red Sox Nation just four games into the regular season in which the Red Sox, with the second highest payroll in Major League Baseball, have mustered an 0-4 record. Now, it's still early; the season is very, very long. But this team is, as all the pundits say, built to win a World Series. Red Sox fans have long forgotten the Japanese tsunami and will probably be unaffected by the government shutdown the Tea Party and its hostages in Congress have planned because those are trivial matters compared with the sorry start the Red Sox have managed. Yup, we have our priorities straight in Red Sox Nation. And you think Bristol Palin makes a lot of money?

Isn't it time for Southwest Airlines to pull those ads that talk about how other airlines have frequent flyer "restrictions through the roof?" At least those airlines fly planes that have a roof.

The trial of Italy's Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi on sex charges opened yesterday in Milan and was immediately adjourned until May 31. Talk about the wheels of justice turning slowly! Watching this trial get underway is like waiting for Spiderman to open on Broadway.

Finally, this. What exactly does Newt Gingrich do for a living?

Tax Form Simplified

With just eleven days to go until the deadline for filing tax returns, crankyjewishguy (CJG) has developed an alternative Form 1040 which, he submits, would be much easier than the current one and would give taxpayers some say over how their tax dollars are used. Here it is:

1.Your Name___________________ Your Social Security No. ____________________

2. Do you want $1 to go to the Tom deLay Legal Defense Fund? Circle Yes or No.

3. Did you have a good year last year? Not financially, just in general. We at the IRS care about you!
Circle Yes or No. If you'd like to pour your heart out attach additional pages.

4. How much money did you make year? Be honest. $___________.

5. OK, to figure your tax, multiple the amount on line 4 by Derek Jeter's lifetime batting average and write the amount here: $ ___________.

6. Now, multiply the amount on line 5 by 10% and write the number in here: $_____. This is how much of your tax we are sending on your behalf to NPR. You will receive an NPR coffee mug directly from them.

7. If you would like to opt out of your share of federal spending on weapons of mass destruction, put a checkmark here: ___.

8. If you would like us to send a percentage of your tax liability to support your local schools, write the percentage here (must be less than 90% since we are sending 10% to NPR.) ___%.

9. If you are Donald Trump, please attach an original copy of your birth certificate. The bogus one you produced the other day doesn't count.

10. If the amounts on lines 6 and 8 add up to less than the amount on line 5, this is how much we are going to keep. Thank you for doing business with the United States of America.

P.S. Oh yeah, don't forget to sign here: _______________

Ask Crankyjewishguy Vol.10: College Admissions Redux

Yesterday, after what some perceived to be a glib, maybe even rude answer to a question submitted by Beside Myself in Great Neck (BMGN), in which BMGN bemoaned the fact that her daughter was snubbed by hundreds of colleges despite a stellar resume, crankyjewishguy (CJG) received quite a few e-mails critical of his tone and his answer. This one, from Shithead in Biloxi (actually, it was signed Jimy Bob in Biloxi; yeah, one "m"), was typical:

Dear CJG,
You can be such a pompous asshole sometimes. A nice lady writes to you with a real problem and seeks some solace and you make a joke of the whole thing. Does it ever occur to you that people are turning to you for some comfort and real advice?
Jimy Bob in Biloxi

Dear Jimy Bob,
No.
CJG
P.S. You spelled your name wrong.

Ask Crankyjewishguy Vol.9: College Admissions

Today's letter is from a mother in Great Neck, NY whose 17 year-old daughter just got letters from all of the colleges she applied to this year.

Dear Crankyjewishguy (CJG),
I am beside myself. My little princess, Hillary, applied to 247 colleges and was rejected by 212 of them, including all of the Ivy League schools for which, I might add, she was overqualified. Thirty schools put her on the waiting list. She got into only five schools including Southwest Arizona Community College (where she is qualified to be President), Montana Southern University School of Agriculture, The University of New South Wales (which is, I believe, in Australia), the New Jersey School of Advanced Air Conditioning and Heating, and Bryn Mawr. Unfortunately, Bryn Mawr offered no financial aid so that's off the list. What I don't understand is that Hillary had a 4.4 GPA (with 4.0 being the highest possible score), a combined 2380 on her SATs (she missed a question about the hypotenuse of a triangle), was President of her class, played varsity tennis, field hockey and basketball (on the boy's team), spent a summer rebuilding levees in New Orleans with money she raised selling patchwork quilts she made herself, and was a finalist on American Idol last year. In her free time she studied classical piano and was named New York State's most promising musician under the age of twenty, devised a project to bring electricity to remote villages in Zimbabwe over Facebook, and ran, albeit unsuccessfully, for Congress. Do you think it was that question she missed on the math SAT that ruined her chances to attend a good college.
Beside Myself in Great Neck

Dear Beside Myself in Great Neck,
Yes.
CJG

Today's Jobs Report

Staff at the Republican National Committee looking for ways to portray the addition
 of 216,000 jobs to the U.S. economy as more bad news.

Crankyjewishguy (CJG) is pressed for time today, so he'd just like to point out to all those who say "up" when President Obama says "down," and "stop" when President Obama says, "go," that in the first three months of this year the U.S. economy ADDED 500,000 new jobs, 216,000 last month alone. If memory serves, by the end of Bush years the economy was losing about a half million jobs a month (8 million jobs lost on Bush's watch). Oh, and by the way, the first three months of this year saw the stock market post it's largest three-month gain in more than a decade. Since Obama was sworn in it's waaaay up. So, don't you just love listening to the Republicans talk about fixing the economy they destroyed just a few short years ago? But, don't worry, they'll find bad news in these encouraging employment numbers.

An American Idle

Because Mrs. Crankyjewishguy (CJG) is a big American Idol fan, CJG sometimes finds himself sucked in despite his best intentions. Take last night, for example. CJG had planned to watch something educational about the mating habits of fish on Animal Planet but got diverted. And he has to say, there is something oddly compelling on what is, after all, just a huge, overhyped talent show.

Steven Tyler has proven to be surprisingly funny though it may be to his comic advantage that he looks like a gay chimpanzee or Mick Jagger's long lost second cousin. CJG was never an Aerosmith fan, and had only a passing familiarity with Tyler before, but he seems kind and quirkily charming.

Jennifer Lopez projects an air of authenticity rare in such a big star. She came from humble beginnings in New York City and maybe she really hasn't forgotten where she comes from, who knows? But what was it with the make up and the lighting last night? It looked like someone had surgically implanted a collar stay on top of her nose bone. There was this weird flat plane to her nose neither Mr. or Mrs. CJG had ever noticed before. In fact, CJG can't remember a single performance from last night but dreamt about J-Lo's nose.

Which brings us to Randy Jackson. CJG used to think the acerbic Simon Cowell was the show's sine qua non, which is lawyer talk (or Latin) for "that without which," as in Simon Cowell was the man without which American Idol would wither and die. But it proved not to be the case. Randy Jackson is now "the man," and CJG finds him interesting to watch because he seems like he'd be a fun guy to hang out with. Not that CJG wouldn't mind hanging out with J-Lo, mind you. Steven Tyler? Not so sure.

Anyway, CJG hasn't quite gotten to the point where he's voting for his American Idol, but if he were he'd vote for himself.

P.S. Don't write to CJG and tell him there's a mis-spelling in today's headline. There isn't. CJG is just clever.

Trumped Again!

You know, crankyjewishguy (CJG) keeps trying to move on past dumping on Michelle Bachmann, Half Baked Alaska and Donald Trump, but they're the gift that just keeps giving.

In his latest ramble about Barack Obama's birth certificate, Trump trotted out his own and wondered why, if he could produce his in an hour, Obama wasn't producing his. This is Trump's birth certificate:

But there's a slight problem, as a New York City official pointed out. It has neither the raised seal, nor the signature of the Registrar of Births that an official New York City birth certificate would have. CJG thinks this counts as a major gaffe by Richie Rich. Now, CJG doesn't doubt Trump was born in New York, with both a silver spoon and his foot in his mouth; either that or he comes from another galaxy and is using that combover to conceal antennae. But he does think maybe it's time for him to shut-up about Obama's place of birth and stick to simply bragging about himself as usual. Seriously, can anyone imagine this guy running the country?

The Energy Future

Every time there's some huge calamity -- think Japan's nuclear crisis, the BP oil spill -- you always hear that somehow the operators and owners got all the regulatory permissions they needed and passed all the inspections, that all kinds of fancy plans were in place in case of an accident, that the threat to public health is low, yada yada yada. Yet, somehow, no one in Japan considered the effects of a tsunami in that quake prone country where the word tsunami comes from. Yesterday, a Japanese seismology expert said he warned years ago that the affected Fukushima Dai-ichi plant was vulnerable to a tsunami and no one paid any attention. Now we have trace amounts of radioacative iodine in waters in Massachusetts that have traveled all the way from Japan. Given the extraordinary consequences of a nuclear power plant disaster, can we really take any comfort in the fact that most of these plants have operated for decades without incident? And does anyone really believe the assurances of those in the industry who tell us everything is secure? Remember the BP plan for the Gulf that had provisions for protecting seals and walruses which can't be found anywhere near the Gulf of Mexico? That language was just cut and pasted from another "plan."

Policemen near the Fukushima Dai-ichi nuclear power plant.

You'd think we'd have learned by now that those with a vested interest -- including politicians who receive large donations from those interests -- have zero credibility when it comes to reassuring the public of anything related to those interests. Yet, we keep seeing the same sad scenario play out again and again.

A tsunami like the one that struck Japan earlier this month may be a one in a thousand year event, but there are plutonium isotopes that remain highly radioactive for 24,000 years. Do you like those odds?

Given the potentially catastrophic human and economic consequences of a nuclear power plant accident, and the known harmful effects of carbon on human health and climate, wouldn't it make sense to follow China's lead and seize the enormous economic opportunities of clean, renewables such as wind and solar? There's no free lunch when it comes to energy, but carbon and nuclear are the past: wind and solar have to be the future. CJG knows today's post wasn't funny, but there's nothing funny about what's happening in northeastern Japan at the moment.

A Tribute to Dr. Seuss

When the national memorial to Theodore Geisel, alias Dr. Seuss, was dedicated in his hometown of Springfield, Massachusetts in June of 2002, The Christian Science Monitor asked crankyjewishguy (CJG) to cover the dedication ceremony. (They didn’t know CJG by that name, of course.) CJG loved Dr. Seuss as a child, and no books were more fun to read to his own children when they were young than Dr. Seuss’, so he was thrilled by the assignment. There was one catch: the editors wanted the story, with all the key facts, told in verse. Here is the story, reprinted here for your enjoyment.

I am here!

Here I am!

With Horton the Elephant, Yertle, and Sam.

We didn’t come here for green eggs and ham,

But to open a memorial that honors the man,

Who penned hundreds and hundreds of wondrous pages

Still read out loud by kids of all ages.

With six million bucks, point nine from the feds,

His hometown chose to honor old Ted.

Geisel, that is, the man known to youse

As the incomparable, indomitable, beloved Dr. Seuss.

It’s titanic, stupendous, marvelous, gigantic!

What they’ve done in this city is truly fantastic!

From Hamden and Hampshire and Northampton, too,

They came far and wide to this most unusual zoo.

From here to there, from hither to yon

Giant bronze sculptures adorn a green lawn.

There’s The Grinch, and Thidwick, and a book ten feet tall,

And, no, that’s not all (no, that’s certainly not all);

There’s The Cat (in the Hat), The Lorax, and Max

Said the city’s good mayor, it’s a fine use of your tax.

Senators and congressmen heeded the call,

To sing Seuss’ praises here on the mall,

Proving once again that to many a pol,

A ceremony is a ceremony, no matter how small!

Sixteen years in the making, this garden delightful

Seems sure to please even the frightful,

From toddlers and tots, on up to oldsters,

They’ll come in their strollers, their bikes and their roadsters.

Say there, young man, can you tell me your name?

Well, Xadrian Gonzalez, how ‘bout a game?

Which book of Seuss is the best, if you please?

Really? You don’t say: “Green Ham and Cheese!”

And you little girl, Miss Olivia Malone,

In that big bronze chair sitting all alone,

Tell me, pray tell me, when it comes to Seuss,

Which of his books gets the most use?

“The Cat in the Hat” and “The Grinch” so you say?

May your heart grow three sizes this fine sunny day!

From Greenwich to Guam, from Greece to Gibraltar

Stockholm, Seattle, and North East Tidewater,

From Phoenix to Fez, St. Pete to Geneve

Four hundred million copies, can you believe?

(Oh. Yes, don’t forget, that includes Tel Aviv!)

His books are great fun, there’s no doubt about that,

But there’s much more to Seuss than a cat in a hat.

Save the environment! Raise every voice!

Stand against bigotry! Rejoice! Rejoice!

An icon, a treasure, a muse to the nation,

A tradition passed on to the next generation.

Lap to lap his words have been read,

To countless small children all snuggled in bed.

So, whether you’re one or a hundred and two,

This National Memorial may be for you

Indeed, I dare say, this place is a blast!

And to think that I saw it in old Springfield, Mass!

There She Goes Again

As a post-script to my last post, at an appearance before conservatives in Iowa yesterday, Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann,who has of late shown an appalling ignorance of basic facts about American history, took a shot at President Obama saying, the U.S is now "engaged in a third Middle East war. Talk about March Madness. Can anyone see Jimmy Carter?"

The first two Middle East wars she is apparently referring to are the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq started during the Bush Administration and which, thanks to careful planning and brilliant strategy, are now dragging into their second decade. But if you're a Republican congresswoman with no grip on reality, the first two also get put on Obama. She plays the same game on the economy: it's Obama's fault the economy hasn't created in two years the 8 million jobs lost under Bush who was president for eight. It matters not that the economy under Obama is creating jobs and hemorrhaged them under Bush. For Bachmann, there is no history before January 20, 2008.

Crankyjewishguy (CJG) really hopes Bachmann runs for president because the more she says, the more ridiculous she appears. But, CJG also knows that there isn't anything Bachmann could say, no matter how inane, ill-informed, or plain old dumb that would put a dent in her support among those who currently adore her, which says a lot about both her and those supporters. When you live in your own world where up is down and two plus two equals five, it simply doesn't matter what you say. There will always be those who think you're a math genius.

War and Peace

Here's the question crankyjewishguy (CJG) is turning over and over this morning. Why is it that when a Republican is president other Republicans, and a lot of Democrats, will follow like lemmings as the president plunges us into an ill-advised war based on ginned up evidence that will cost the country trillions and keep us at war for more than a decade, all without a declaration of war, and, oh, by the way, if you oppose the president or the war you are an unpatriotic, French-style sissy, but when a Democratic president authorizes air strikes in say, Libya or the former Yugoslavia, there's a huge outcry about the president not getting a declaration of war, lack of mission, lack of a clear strategy etc. etc. etc. If you'll recall, a common refrain before the Iraq war was, "he killed his own people." Now that Quaddafi or however the fuck he spells his name is killing his own people that's not a good reason anymore. CJG isn't taking a side one way or the other about the strikes in Libya, he just wonders about the ridiculous double-standard Republicans apply to questions of war and peace.

Trump That!

Donald Trump. The Pillsbury Dough Boy of American politics is at it again, and yes, crankyjewishguy (CJG) meant "dough" as a double entendre.

What is it with this guy? He's making sounds like he's going to run for president as if what this country needs is some reality TV clown with big with hair and a bigger mouth which, come to think of it, sounds like another Republican who might be running for president. The guy is a braggart: did you you see the TV interview he did from his private jet, the one with some original 18th century art masterpiece hanging in the passenger cabin, where he told the reporter he went to the best college, was really smart and has done tons of brilliant deals? How he could solve the Somali pirate problem with a few ships and "a good admiral?" He sounds like the obnoxious kid in your junior high school with the rich daddy and all the latest toys. And he keeps wondering why no one seems to have known Obama when he was growing up in Hawaii. Do you know anyone who knew Donald Trump growing up in New York? Anyone who actually liked him?

But Trump is going to have one huge problem on the campaign trail, and that's staying out of the wind because anything more than a slight breeze and that ridiculous combover he's got on top of his head is going to make him look like a circus clown. Believe CJG, it's not going to be pretty.

Seriously, what does he think
 when he combs his hair in the morning?