Obama a U.S. Citizen? Still Waiting for Real Proof

Crankyjewishguy (CJG) still isn't satisfied that Barack Obama is a "natural born citizen" of the United States eligible to hold the office of president despite release of his long-form birth certificate. In fact, the release of that official looking document raises more questions than it answers. CJG thinks Obama needs to prove a few more things. Like whether Hawaii is actually part of the United States. CJG is sure that the 50 or 60% of Republicans who doubted the president is an American would agree with him that it's awfully suspicious that somehow, just two years before Obama was born, Hawaii was made a state. Isn't there something a little too convenient about the timing? Is there any reason to believe that Hawaii statehood wasn't just another part of the plot, hatched by a clever bunch of Kenyans, to make Obama president fifty years later? And where's the title to those islands? In what registry of deeds? Huh? What about that, Donald? Shouldn't we demand to see the deed signed by King Kamehameha? And who's to say "the president" was "natural born?" For all we know he was delivered by Caesarian section which isn't natural at all. (Luckily for the Donald the Constitution says nothing about "natural born hair.") Anyone can wave an official looking document around. Look at this thing? Does it look convincing to you?

C'mon, Mr. President, show us some real proof!

Where Have You Gone CJG?

If you're like crankyjewishguy (CJG), you've probably been wondering where he's been the past two weeks. Well, now that the statute of limitations has run he can tell you that he was on a privately funded mission to try and find Osama bin Laden in Tora Bora. Imagine CJG's surprise when he learned bin Laden had just escaped the region ten years ago.

CJG figured that by the time he got back his inbox would be overloaded with e-mail messages from people all over the world wondering what had happened to him, asking when he was going to blog again, and begging him to return to the keyboard. Instead, yesterday he had one e-mail from his brother in Boca Raton saying, "what happened to your blog." It's so nice to be missed.

The truth is CJG was finding it difficult to keep up with the demands of a daily blog even though he generally has nothing else to do. But in recent weeks, Mr. and Mrs. CJG have been on deadline for a book they are writing together, an effort to see if a marriage can stand the strain of living and working together. Check back with CJG in a few weeks. If you see him on J-Date it didn't work out so well.

So, what's been happening in the world during CJG's absence? So little changes. Donald Trump continues to ride the GOP Crazy Train, sending his own investigators to Hawaii to try and prove the president wasn't born there. Mitt Romney formed an exploratory committee to try and find out if he has any core convictions. Half Baked Alaska continues to try and master the English language with limited success. And the Boston Red Sox continue to be the worst team in baseball despite having the second highest payroll. Go Pirates!

In other news, the Catholic Church continued to cover itself in glory when a former Bishop in Belgium made light of accusations he abused his nephews by saying it was just a little game that involved "fondling" and that he was never naked. The extent of the Church's little abuse problem seems as limitless as its efforts to sweep the whole thing under the rug.

Air traffic controllers across the country are dozing off in droves and planes landing unassisted. Predictably, the controller's union says napping is necessary. Maybe, but not when you're the only guy on duty. I need to nap sometimes, too, but I make sure I'm not driving when I do. Scientists say naps make us more alert when we wake and CJG buys that, but when planes are landing with a controller asleep at the switch, that's not good.

So, dear readers, here's CJG's plan. He's not going to blog every day. He's going to blog whenever the spirit moves him, hopefully about once a week. If you want to know when a new blog post goes up, subscribe to the blog if you can figure out how. CJG can't help you there because he doesn't understand it himself. Or, just check in once in a while. As always, all CJG blog posts will be rigorously fact-checked by the staff of Congresswoman from Pluto, Michelle Bachmann, the dingbat who thought the battles of Lexington and Concord were fought in New Hampshire and that the founding fathers worked tirelessly to end slavery. CJG has to go now because the clueless guy sitting next to him at Starbucks is under the misimpression that he's in his own office and that we all like listening to him talk on the phone. Away two weeks in Tora Bora but CJG's pet peeves remain intact.

Today's Random Musings

Here's how it works in America where stardom, earned or accidental, is the coin of the realm: Bristol Palin, 20, the Quarter-baked Alaska, earned more than a quarter of a million dollars last year from a foundation that promotes teenage abstinence about which the unwed teenage mother would apparently know very little. So, you can be a teacher in Wisconsin, an auto worker in Detroit, or even a pediatrician in Iowa with thirty years of experience and you won't make close to that. But get knocked up by some knucklehead hockey player from Wasilla and have the senile John McCain pick your incompetent mother to be his running mate and the money flows in like oil in the Gulf. It's as American as apple pie.

America's sweetheart and unwed mother, Bristol Palin: abstinence advocate.

That giant sucking sound you hear in New England over the gnashing of teeth is the despair of Red Sox Nation just four games into the regular season in which the Red Sox, with the second highest payroll in Major League Baseball, have mustered an 0-4 record. Now, it's still early; the season is very, very long. But this team is, as all the pundits say, built to win a World Series. Red Sox fans have long forgotten the Japanese tsunami and will probably be unaffected by the government shutdown the Tea Party and its hostages in Congress have planned because those are trivial matters compared with the sorry start the Red Sox have managed. Yup, we have our priorities straight in Red Sox Nation. And you think Bristol Palin makes a lot of money?

Isn't it time for Southwest Airlines to pull those ads that talk about how other airlines have frequent flyer "restrictions through the roof?" At least those airlines fly planes that have a roof.

The trial of Italy's Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi on sex charges opened yesterday in Milan and was immediately adjourned until May 31. Talk about the wheels of justice turning slowly! Watching this trial get underway is like waiting for Spiderman to open on Broadway.

Finally, this. What exactly does Newt Gingrich do for a living?

Tax Form Simplified

With just eleven days to go until the deadline for filing tax returns, crankyjewishguy (CJG) has developed an alternative Form 1040 which, he submits, would be much easier than the current one and would give taxpayers some say over how their tax dollars are used. Here it is:

1.Your Name___________________ Your Social Security No. ____________________

2. Do you want $1 to go to the Tom deLay Legal Defense Fund? Circle Yes or No.

3. Did you have a good year last year? Not financially, just in general. We at the IRS care about you!
Circle Yes or No. If you'd like to pour your heart out attach additional pages.

4. How much money did you make year? Be honest. $___________.

5. OK, to figure your tax, multiple the amount on line 4 by Derek Jeter's lifetime batting average and write the amount here: $ ___________.

6. Now, multiply the amount on line 5 by 10% and write the number in here: $_____. This is how much of your tax we are sending on your behalf to NPR. You will receive an NPR coffee mug directly from them.

7. If you would like to opt out of your share of federal spending on weapons of mass destruction, put a checkmark here: ___.

8. If you would like us to send a percentage of your tax liability to support your local schools, write the percentage here (must be less than 90% since we are sending 10% to NPR.) ___%.

9. If you are Donald Trump, please attach an original copy of your birth certificate. The bogus one you produced the other day doesn't count.

10. If the amounts on lines 6 and 8 add up to less than the amount on line 5, this is how much we are going to keep. Thank you for doing business with the United States of America.

P.S. Oh yeah, don't forget to sign here: _______________

Ask Crankyjewishguy Vol.10: College Admissions Redux

Yesterday, after what some perceived to be a glib, maybe even rude answer to a question submitted by Beside Myself in Great Neck (BMGN), in which BMGN bemoaned the fact that her daughter was snubbed by hundreds of colleges despite a stellar resume, crankyjewishguy (CJG) received quite a few e-mails critical of his tone and his answer. This one, from Shithead in Biloxi (actually, it was signed Jimy Bob in Biloxi; yeah, one "m"), was typical:

Dear CJG,
You can be such a pompous asshole sometimes. A nice lady writes to you with a real problem and seeks some solace and you make a joke of the whole thing. Does it ever occur to you that people are turning to you for some comfort and real advice?
Jimy Bob in Biloxi

Dear Jimy Bob,
No.
CJG
P.S. You spelled your name wrong.

Ask Crankyjewishguy Vol.9: College Admissions

Today's letter is from a mother in Great Neck, NY whose 17 year-old daughter just got letters from all of the colleges she applied to this year.

Dear Crankyjewishguy (CJG),
I am beside myself. My little princess, Hillary, applied to 247 colleges and was rejected by 212 of them, including all of the Ivy League schools for which, I might add, she was overqualified. Thirty schools put her on the waiting list. She got into only five schools including Southwest Arizona Community College (where she is qualified to be President), Montana Southern University School of Agriculture, The University of New South Wales (which is, I believe, in Australia), the New Jersey School of Advanced Air Conditioning and Heating, and Bryn Mawr. Unfortunately, Bryn Mawr offered no financial aid so that's off the list. What I don't understand is that Hillary had a 4.4 GPA (with 4.0 being the highest possible score), a combined 2380 on her SATs (she missed a question about the hypotenuse of a triangle), was President of her class, played varsity tennis, field hockey and basketball (on the boy's team), spent a summer rebuilding levees in New Orleans with money she raised selling patchwork quilts she made herself, and was a finalist on American Idol last year. In her free time she studied classical piano and was named New York State's most promising musician under the age of twenty, devised a project to bring electricity to remote villages in Zimbabwe over Facebook, and ran, albeit unsuccessfully, for Congress. Do you think it was that question she missed on the math SAT that ruined her chances to attend a good college.
Beside Myself in Great Neck

Dear Beside Myself in Great Neck,
Yes.
CJG

Today's Jobs Report

Staff at the Republican National Committee looking for ways to portray the addition
 of 216,000 jobs to the U.S. economy as more bad news.

Crankyjewishguy (CJG) is pressed for time today, so he'd just like to point out to all those who say "up" when President Obama says "down," and "stop" when President Obama says, "go," that in the first three months of this year the U.S. economy ADDED 500,000 new jobs, 216,000 last month alone. If memory serves, by the end of Bush years the economy was losing about a half million jobs a month (8 million jobs lost on Bush's watch). Oh, and by the way, the first three months of this year saw the stock market post it's largest three-month gain in more than a decade. Since Obama was sworn in it's waaaay up. So, don't you just love listening to the Republicans talk about fixing the economy they destroyed just a few short years ago? But, don't worry, they'll find bad news in these encouraging employment numbers.