Excuse Me. Is That Your Foot?

Believe crankyjewishguy (CJG) when he tells you he isn't pulling your leg about this story he read online last week. British Columbia, as you may know, is a spectacular place with magnificent coastlines, dramatic mountain peaks, and pure, crystal clear lakes. When CJG traveled there a few years back it reminded him of where he grew up in northern New Jersey.

But British Columbia has been plagued of late with a very bizarre form of pollution. Over the past four years, nine, yes nine, unattached human feet have washed up on British Columbia's shores, the latest one on a lakefront. This kind of stuff wouldn't even be news in New Jersey, but in bucolic British Columbia it's really out of the ordinary.

Daniel Day Lewis starred in the
 1989 film that foreshadowed
events in British Columbia.

The previous feet, all in running shoes, have washed up on ocean beaches. Six of them were determined to come from four individuals (meaning at least two pair of socks managed not to get separated in the laundry). The last one was in a hiking boot. But here's the kicker, if CJG can use that term: foul play isn't suspected in any of these cases. Really? Somehow, at least six people went for a run or a hike, became separated from their feet, and foul play isn't suspected? CJG wonders what kind of evidence in a rash of missing feet cases would lead investigators to believe all of these people either outran their own feet, or otherwise managed to become separated from their primary means of locomotion by natural means. (By the way, for a fabulous rendition of Carole King's smash hit, Do the Locomotion, click here. That's Slash, no pun intended, on guitar. And note the YouTube headline: "Carole King feat Slash.")

Now, CJG is no detective or forensic anthropologist, but it strikes him that if these feetless people were dead, chances are other part of their bodies would likely have turned up at some point, too. Really, what are the chances that six or seven people in British Columbia could lose their feet and not have other body parts running around somewhere (so to speak). On the other hand, if these people were still around surely someone at some point would have noticed and said to them, "hey, what happened to your foot?" Or in at least two cases, if CJG's math is right, "what happened to your feet? Forget them on the trail?" CJG would also be interested to know what brand of running shoes and hiking boots were involved so he can buy other brands.

Astute fans of the hit TV series Lost always knew
this scene was shot in British Columbia, not Hawaii.

This is truly a first rate mystery. Almost as mysterious as the whereabouts of Rick Perry's brain.

If I Only Had a Brain

Wow. Crankyjewishguy (CJG) hardly knows where to begin. This week proved it's a target-rich environment out there.

Let's start with last night's debate performance by Not Ready for Prime Time Rick Perry who couldn't remember one of the three federal agencies he is pledging to eliminate as president which is actually OK since his chances of becoming president just dropped to about negative 100%. Perry has come off as such a buffoon that he's probably also dealt a serious blow to being re-elected governor of whatever state he thinks he is governor of. CJG read a report that he recently signed an execution order for an inmate on death row in New Jersey only to be reminded by a senior aide that he is governor if Texas. "Is that next to Louisiana?" the incredulous governor was overheard to ask. As Jonathan Chait of New York Magazine writes this morning, "ultimately, Rick Perry is going to be remembered as the man too stupid to win this Republican nomination. That is a remarkable feat." 

Rick Perry demonstrates his technique for neutering a Texas Longhorn.

Then, of course, there's the brilliantly run Herman Cain campaign which confirmed to Sean Inanity that the son of one of Cain's accusers works for POLITICO, the news outlet that broke the Cain sexual harassment story. Booya! Nailed that sucker. Except that the guy in question used to work at POLITICO and now works for another news organization. An insignificant, minor discrepancy? Perhaps. But it turns out the guy isn't even related to the accuser; they just happen to have the same last name! Now that's rich!

If Herman Cain doesn't want anyone looking into past allegations of sexual harrassment, maybe he should run for office in Italy where the Prime Minister can have sex with an underage prostitute and still hold on to power, only to be undone by the country's faltering economy. After all, as former chairman of Godfather's Pizza, if anyone is entitled to honorary citizenship in Italy it would be Cain. CJG wants to repeat that he doesn't know if these allegations are true, but the women who have come forward so far seem credible and to argue that this is irrelevant is disingenuous. Character is important and if a candidate is a serial harasser of women, well then voters can decide how important it is to them. But Cain's denials and the way his campaign is flailing around trying to assign blame for how the story became public doesn't pass the smell test. CJG's personal opinion is that this isn't some conspiracy to bring down Herman Cain. Who needs one? When it comes to self-destruction he's running a close second to Rick Perry.

A Pizza Man You Can't Refuse?

OK, crankyjewishguy (CJG) just found a ten foot pole so he's going to touch this Herman Cain controversy. Hope he doesn't electrocute himself.

Unless you've been traveling in Bulgaria for the past two weeks you probably know that GOP presidential candidate and former chairman of the Godfather's pizza chain is struggling to deal with revelations that he was twice accused of sexual harassment by female employees of a trade association of which he was president. The motto for Godfather's, by the way, is "a pizza you can't refuse." Maybe Cain thought that applied to the company chairman, too.

Outraged professional pundits such as Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter immediately blamed liberals for the story arguing that liberals can't stand to see a conservative black man rising, as if this wouldn't be a story if we were talking about a white presidential candidate. (Hello, John Edwards.) But the Cain campaign itself didn't blame "liberals"; it blamed the Rick Perry campaign. And the Perry campaign blamed the Mitt Romney campaign. And Newt Gingrich said if any Republican candidate was responsible for leaking the sexual harassment story to the press they should be drawn and quartered as if it's better such things be swept under the carpet. Newt, of course, has good reason not to want bad behavior like this to become an issue: he's an admitted adulterer who left his cancer-stricken wife for another woman. It's getting a little bit like an Agatha Christie novel. CJG is waiting for the Romney campaign to blame Michael Dukakis.

Have I ever told you you look like Nancy Pelosi?

Apparently, fixing blame for how the story became public is more important than whether the original allegations had any merit. CJG has no idea whether they did or not, but he marvels that yet another feckless politician sallied forth on the winds of self-regard so high that it never occurred to him that a story like this, one way or another, was going to find daylight, especially when you're running for president of the United States. Dude, if you're running for president even your dental records are going to become public so there's no way the fact that your former employer paid cash settlements to your accusers, whether the allegations were true or not, isn't going to come out. And why shouldn't it? You want to be the leader of the free world? Then expect your life to be pried open. The mere fact that Cain seemed so utterly surprised and unprepared with a coherent, consistent response tells you a lot about his strategic planning skills, just as the fact that he didn't know China has nukes tells you something about his foreign policy qualifications. What next? Cain is going to tell us he can see Canada from his house?

CJG has this word of advice for Herman Cain. If you can't stand the heat, step away from the pizza oven.