The Dirt Devil

Crankyjewishguy (CJG) bought himself a Dirt Devil the other day, one of those hand held vacs and he couldn't be more thrilled. But, in order to activate the warranty on his $35.95 Dirt Devil, he had to send back this little card. You've seen them. They come with virtually every new appliance you purchase. You could make a career out of filling these little cards out. Now, CJG can understand why Dirt Devil needs to know his name and address in order to activate his warranty, but after that he thought the questions got kind of personal. For example, Dirt Devil wanted to know how much money CJG makes. They also wanted to know his three favorite hobbies. (Well, house cleaning is one. That's why he bought a Dirt Devil.) Then: how old are CJG's kids? What credit cards does CJGcarry? What magazines does he read? Can you possibly imagine why Dirt Devil would want to know whether CJG plans to take a plane trip in the next six months? He has no idea, but the little Devil would make a nice carry-on and CJG could tidy up the coach cabin after lunch.

It's all about market research, of course. Dirt Devil wants to know everything about everyone who purchases a Dirt Devil so they can...so they can do what? Figure out if a purple Dirt Devil would sell better than the red one? Whether to add more suction?

Now, CJG has a few suggestions for Dirt Devil and other appliance manufacturers.

First, it's not polite to ask people how much money they make. The bank that holds CJG's mortgage? They can ask him how much money he makes because they're lending CJG a lot of dough. But if you're selling CJG a $40 appliance, what are you worried about? That he can't make the payments?

Second, you want CJG to help you on your fishing expedition and tell you what factors influenced his decision to buy a Dirt Devil, and where he learned about Dirt Devil products? Then put a freakin' stamp on that stupid little reply card. Why should CJG have to pay the postage? And while you're at it, have one of your people locate the serial number and write it on the card. CJG don't have time to reverse engineer all these appliances looking for the clever place where you've hidden the serial number. Honestly.

Third, unless you're selling CJG pornographic material, an automatic weapon, or alcohol, don't ask his how old he is. Is there an age requirement for operating a Dirt Devil? Do you need some kind of license?

If they really want to know who's buying their product, the questions have to be more imaginative and probe deeper. All they know now is that their customers are either male or female, that some have kids and some don't, that some are married and some are not, and that most people like answering inane questions about themselves.

Here are CJG's suggestions. (Please circle your answers.)
            1. I bought this Dirt Devil for (a) business, (b) pleasure.
            2. Are you a member of a satanic cult and, if so, was this a factor in your decision to purchase a Dirt Devil?
            3. What is your annual household income (exclusive of lottery winnings and short-term capital gains): (a) less than $1 million, (b) more than $1 million, (c) none of your [expletive deleted] business. (Please attach most recent Form 1040 with schedules.)
            4. Where is Osama bin Laden? ____________________________ (use additional sheets if necessary.)
            5. Are you a friend or acquaintance of Fox News business correspondent John Stossel or any members of his immediate family? (a) yes, (b) no, (c) maybe. (If (a) or (c), please return Dirt Devil immediately in postage pre-paid box.)
            6. Which of the following have you used in the last 12 months: (a) alcohol, (b) marijuana, (c) cocaine, (d) LSD. (If (d) please read important safety warnings about using Dirt Devil under the influence of hallucinogenics and sign attached waiver of liability.)
            7. How do you like your meat? (a) rare, (b) medium rare, (c) medium, (d) well done. (If vegetarian, read special cautions before operating Dirt Devil.)
            8. How did you learn about this product? From (a) Glenn Beck, (b) my dentist, (c) my broker, (d) a little voice in my air conditioner.
            Now that would give the folks at Dirt Devil some real information to go on.


(P.S. CJG had some minor formatting issues this morning. He begs your indulgence.)