Free Advice for Beating Stress

According to a recent article in Prevention Magazine, everything we've been told about how to reduce stress is wrong. F#&K! How stressful is that! Maybe crankyjewishguy (CJG) should take up smoking. It's supposed to help reduce stress even as it kills you.

This man is stressed about being stressed.

In the article, Prevention conveniently lists "yesterday's wisdom" followed by "today's smart strategy" for reducing stress, and CJG is going to repeat them here along with his own wisdom for beating stress. Ready?

Yesterday's wisdom: Never soothe yourself with food.
Today's smart strategy: Treat yourself to chocolate.
CJG's take: Go on a fast food bender.

Yesterday's wisdom: "Om" your way to calmness.
Today's smart strategy: Do something you love.
CJG's take: CJG loves to "om." Now what's he supposed to do?

Yesterday's wisdom: Control your temper.
Today's smart strategy: Throw a tantrum now and then.
CJG's advice: Go ape shit on the next person who says "have a nice day" to you.

Yesterday's wisdom: Turn to family and friends for support.
Today's smart strategy: Cuddle up with your pet.
CJG's take: CJG owns a small turtle. When he tried to follow Prevention's advice he crushed the poor thing. Now he has to sue Prevention and he finds nothing to be quite as stressful as depositions. This was CJG's beloved turtle, Pokey. R.I.P., Pokey-mahn.

Yesterday's wisdom: Never go to bed angry.
Today's smart strategy: Just get some sleep already!
CJG's advice: Get some bennies and stay up for seven nights straight listening to The Doors.

Yesterday's wisdom: Express your feelings.
Today's smart strategy: Keep it to yourself.
CJG's advice: Feel yourself.

CJG is feeling better already. Om.