Say It Ain't So, Yamamotoyama: Sumo Scandal Rocks the Sports World!

Crankyjewishguy (CJG) is deeply dismayed by the state of professional sports today. Until yesterday he thought Sumo wrestling was the last clean sport around and had become so wildly devoted to Sumo that he gained 300 pounds last year just so he could feel like a Sumo wrestler.

CJG likes riding bikes, or at least he did before his weight ballooned to 480 pounds, and he was mildly interested in professional bicycle racing. Then came one doping scandal after another which explains how hundreds of riders can average something like 25 mph over a two thousand mile course through France that includes inclines that are the equivalent of riding up the face of the Empire State Building. Then, of course, there's steroids in baseball and it's going to be very interesting when the newly retired Andy Pettitte takes the witness stand in July to testify against his former friend and teammate, the ever egotistical Roger Clemens, whose 98 mph fastball was higher than his IQ. So, having given up on cycling and baseball, CJG was sure Sumo wrestling would restore his faith in the integrity of professional athletes. After all, Sumo is more than a sport in Japan: it's an essential part of the country's cultural heritage and national identity, much the way professional wrestling is in America. Sumo dates to the time of the Ninjas; pro wrestling dates back to 1776. CJG knows this because Michelle Bachmann said so on her web site.

That's CJG behind the fellow with the pointy hat when he was invited
 to throw out the first ball at Opening Day of the 2010 Sumo season, making
CJG the first Jew to ever appear as an official part of a Sumo match.

The allegations in the Sumo scandal rocking Japan this week are that wrestlers fixed matches and bet on the outcome. Unlike other sports, such as curling and table tennis, where steroids and other performance enhancing drugs have tainted the competition, there are no accusations of drug abuse in Sumo, mainly because the substances used to enhance the performance of Sumo wrestlers are bacon, chicken fat, and Twinkie tempura.

So, what sport can we believe in? CJG submits it is American professional wrestling because (a) everyone knows the matches are fake, (b) there are no banned substances so everyone has an equal shot at stardom, and (c) you can't make up names like Hulk Hogan, The Rock, and Rowdy Roddy Piper. It's illegal.

You can't fake this because it is fake,
which means it's sport you can believe in.