Life Made Real Simple: Don't Try This at Home!

Crankyjewishguy's (CJG) wife used to get a magazine called Real Simple, and occasionally CJG would leaf through it for tips on organizing his socks, things he could buy to help him organize his socks, and consultants he could hire to help him organize his socks. Typically, there was at least one article a month on this topic. Perusing Real Simple, CJG was struck by how much stuff one would have to own to make use of the tsunami of advice, organizational and otherwise, they have to offer in every issue. Hey, what do you recommend for organizing back copies of Real Simple? How about a recycling bin?

Did you know that according to Real Simple you can use mayonnaise as a hair conditioner? Or, if you have three weeks with nothing better to do, you can fluff your carpets with a fork? Or how about these adorable little berry baskets to organize your bathroom stuff?

Isn't that just so cute? Those things should last at least a week before they're covered with expectorated toothpaste, soap scum and mold from being saturated with water. And note the high quality, staple and balsa wood construction. That should hold up to the rough and tumble of the average household for a few hours. Given what's in these baskets, CJG estimates the average woman would need about eight thousand of them to hold all her bathroom supplies. Boy, what CJG wouldn't give to be at the editorial meetings where people think up brilliant ideas like this. 

One of CJG's favorite Real Simple tips is to use oatmeal as an "At-Home" facial product, as if someone might smear oatmeal all over their face and then ride the commuter train to the office, or board a flight to Tokyo. Yeah, if you're thinking of covering your face with oatmeal, you might want to stay home with the person with all that mayonnaise in their hair lest the two of you get attacked by a pack of rabid racoons.

Recently, Real Simple had a useful feature about non-kitchen related uses for your dishwasher, followed by a list of things you should never put in your dishwasher. Did you know, for example, that you can wash potatoes in your dishwasher? (Don't add detergent). Or garden tools, shin guards, knee pads and plastic hairbrushes? (Every other Real Simple tip is hair related.) Believe it or not, you can even cook salmon in your dishwasher if you don't mind the smell. For a future issue Real Simple no doubt has five hundred tips for eradicating the salmon odor lined up, including roasting a brisket in there. CJG isn't clear whether you put the salmon in alive or cleaned and skinned, in foil or on a baking sheet, or whether you put the marinade in the detergent dispenser or just throw it in willy nilly, but there's probably a whole cookbook in this somewhere. And what setting do you use? Pots and Pans? Quick Wash? And why salmon? Can a dishwasher distinguish between salmon and sturgeon? Maybe someone should come up with a dishwasher with settings like, "White Flakey Fish," "Oily Fish," and "Shellfish," so people don't have to figure out how long the lobsters are supposed to steam every time. Frankly, CJG has no intention of cooking anything in his dishwasher. That's why he has a stove, an oven, a toaster oven, a microwave, and a gas grill. If you need more options than that, CJG recommends a snow blower which doubles nicely as a food processor. CJG also suggests grilling fish whenever possible. Then you just put the entire grill in the dishwasher to clean it. 

Pre-heat dishwasher to 5,000 degrees and use a chain saw to cut
salmon into 20 pound filets. Cook for five days or until done.

What makes all this so interesting, is the list of things you should never put in a dishwasher: formal dishes, "nice" flatware, crystal glasses, wooden spoons, good kitchen knives, steak knives, wood cutting boards, insulated mugs and containers, and children under the age of four. In other words, just about everything you might actually use in a kitchen and need to put in the dishwasher. See, life isn't so simple after all which is why CJG is looking for investors for his new venture: a magazine called Real Complicated. Contact CJG for a prospectus.