Little Horoscope of Horrors: Do You Know What YOUR Sign Is?

As if we needed more proof that some people have way too much time on their hands, the Internet is all atwitter (:-) about what can best be described as an astrology crisis. Though crankyjewishguy (CJG) read this article on CNN.com several times, he still can't quite parse it, but as best he can tell there's been some kind of shift in zodiac signs that means some people who thought they were Libras are now Virgos, some who thought they were Scorpios are now Republicans, and others have been bumped from their flight of fancy altogether into a whole new sign called Ophiuchus. CJG thought the ophiuchus was the part of the gastro-intestinal system just below the colon, but apparently CJG was wrong. It refers to a constellation of a man wrestling a serpent, something you can see on pay-per-view almost any weekend night.

CJG defies you to stare into the night sky and come up with this
 because without the artist's help it would just be a random bunch of stars.
CJG guarantees he could take the same group of stars and come up with
 a hot dog vendor in Times Square...with sauerkraut and mustard.

This zodiac sign shift has caused a huge uproar. Astrologers have been inundated with calls and e-mails from distraught clients. Fortunately, one of them, Hilary Young, the CEO of AstrologyDating.com, had the presence of mind to tell everyone to calm the fuck down. "Everyone can relax," she told CNN. "People ask me what does it mean for their personality. I expect it will be the same it was yesterday. You probably didn't wake up with a new personality." CJG notes that Ms. Young was hedging her bets with the word "probably," but CJG thinks these people had one oar out of the water before the big announcement and they still do, no "probably" about it. Anyone who thinks a wobble in Saturn's orbit is going to transform their personality overnight should only wish it were true.

According to CNN, 25% of Americans believe the moon and stars can affect someone's life and CJG is going to go out on a limb and guess that Christine O'Donnell is one of them. As for CJG, he doesn't believe one whit in astrology. When people ask, as they do all the time, "hey, CJG, what's your sign," he shows them this and says, "take your pick."

P.S. The other day, CJG expressed his hope that Miss Massachusetts, the Miss America Pageant's only Jewish contestant, would win the crown. Is doing so, he poked a little bit of fun at Miss Arkansas. Well, Miss Massachusetts didn't win, but Miss Arkansas was the first runner-up! Your new Miss America, in case you haven't heard, is 17 year-old Miss Nebraska. Wow, today's NFL playoff games are going to be such a let down.