Fluff Those Carpets? Get Real

Readers of crankyjewishguy (CJG) will recall that a couple of days ago he passed along some helpful household tips from Real Simple magazine, known in the psychiatric community as the Journal of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. One of those tips was that you can use a fork to fluff up your carpets. (Under no circumstances should you use Marshmallow Fluff for this purpose, despite the name. They won't tell you this on the Marshmallow Fluff web site, but CJG will.)

Now, CJG will freely admit that he's a tad compulsive, which is why he uses tight little words such as "tad" instead of "really" or "extremely." So, he has spent sixteen hours over the past two days with a dinner fork trying to make his carpets look like Donald Trump's hair and so far he has managed to get three and a half square feet of his living room carpet to sit approximately .00025 inches higher than the rest of the carpet, sort of like what you see here.

Unfortunately, this is well outside CJG's tolerance for lack of uniformity (as is the Donald's hair) and now he either has to borrow an industrial strength iron to flatten out the fluffed carpet, or spend another six to ten days fluffing the remaining 92 and 1/2 square feet with a dinner fork. But since CJG, inspired by Real Simple's determination to recommend time consuming ways to use ordinary household implements for purposes other than those for which they were intended, CJG doesn't have that much free time. For example, since two feet of snow fell here last week, CJG has been using a soup spoon and a ladle to remove approximately five tons of snow from his front walk and driveway and so far he's made it to the mailbox, which is immediately outside his front door. But CJG reminds himself to be patient because people in East Berlin used to tunnel into West Berlin with the same equipment.

Even the Berlin Wall was no match for a simple soup spoon.

When he finishes removing the snow this summer, CJG is going to try filling a swimming pool with a thimble, or reading twelve back issues of Real Simple with binoculars.