Esquire's Question of the Day

WARNING: Today's post contains adult language and graphic content that ay not be appropriate for Hasidic Jews.

Yesterday morning, crankyjewishguy (CJG) was at one of his favorite coffee shops (i.e. not a Starbucks) where they have a magazine rack filled with interesting magazines you can read while you drink your coffee (as opposed to Starbucks where they will sell you a copy of Howard Schultz's new book about Starbucks).

Anyway, they had the new issue of Esquire which had a major article on men's health that included the results of an extensive survey. Most of the questions were predictable, such as how often do you exercise, what do you eat, are you getting enough sleep and so on. But there was one question that really stuck out, so to speak, and it was a very simple one: can you see your penis? pretty direct, too.

But simple questions defy simple answers, despite the fact that 83% of respondents answered "yes." For example, this question could just as easily be about eye sight as body weight. Before CJG guy had cataract surgery last year, without his glasses he couldn't see his hands if he held them up in front of his face and his penis is half way down his body; well out of range. The question is also more complicated than it appears because it didn't specify whether the penis should be flaccid or erect, nor does it make allowances for size. CJG bets there are some heavy men who would have to answer "sometimes" to what appears to be a yes/no question. So, if these men overwhelmingly assumed an erect penis we may have a skewed picture of whether they have a weight problem. It also seems to CJG that the question -- can you see your penis -- cries out for multiple choice answers such as (a) yes, (b) no, (c) easily, (d) in brightly illuminated rooms or (e) when I look in the mirror.

If, as CJG assumes, Esquire was trying to get a handle on how many men have a weight problem, aren't there better ways to find out? Like asking: are you overweight? This is why CJG puts very little stock in articles that appear in Esquire.

P.S. For obvious reasons, today's post has no pictures.

My President

Crankyjewishguy (CJG) thinks it's been too long since the death of Osama bin Laden and a return to the really important business facing the country: proving that Barack Obama is (a) a modern-day Hitler, (b) born on some other planet and brought here by aliens to destroy the Earth, (c) a closet terrorist as John McCain and his running mate, what's her name, insinuated in the last campaign, (d) a weak-kneed Chicago liberal who doesn't have what it takes to be Commander-in-Chief.

As you can probably tell, CJG is kidding because he really thinks it's time for those who have spuriously attacked the president's loyalty, American-ness, mettle and toughness TO SHUT THE FUCK UP. And that's all CJG has to say today: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

This is a picture of MY president and if you are a United States citizen, LIKE HE IS, then he is YOUR president, too.

Where Have You Gone CJG?

If you're like crankyjewishguy (CJG), you've probably been wondering where he's been the past two weeks. Well, now that the statute of limitations has run he can tell you that he was on a privately funded mission to try and find Osama bin Laden in Tora Bora. Imagine CJG's surprise when he learned bin Laden had just escaped the region ten years ago.

CJG figured that by the time he got back his inbox would be overloaded with e-mail messages from people all over the world wondering what had happened to him, asking when he was going to blog again, and begging him to return to the keyboard. Instead, yesterday he had one e-mail from his brother in Boca Raton saying, "what happened to your blog." It's so nice to be missed.

The truth is CJG was finding it difficult to keep up with the demands of a daily blog even though he generally has nothing else to do. But in recent weeks, Mr. and Mrs. CJG have been on deadline for a book they are writing together, an effort to see if a marriage can stand the strain of living and working together. Check back with CJG in a few weeks. If you see him on J-Date it didn't work out so well.

So, what's been happening in the world during CJG's absence? So little changes. Donald Trump continues to ride the GOP Crazy Train, sending his own investigators to Hawaii to try and prove the president wasn't born there. Mitt Romney formed an exploratory committee to try and find out if he has any core convictions. Half Baked Alaska continues to try and master the English language with limited success. And the Boston Red Sox continue to be the worst team in baseball despite having the second highest payroll. Go Pirates!

In other news, the Catholic Church continued to cover itself in glory when a former Bishop in Belgium made light of accusations he abused his nephews by saying it was just a little game that involved "fondling" and that he was never naked. The extent of the Church's little abuse problem seems as limitless as its efforts to sweep the whole thing under the rug.

Air traffic controllers across the country are dozing off in droves and planes landing unassisted. Predictably, the controller's union says napping is necessary. Maybe, but not when you're the only guy on duty. I need to nap sometimes, too, but I make sure I'm not driving when I do. Scientists say naps make us more alert when we wake and CJG buys that, but when planes are landing with a controller asleep at the switch, that's not good.

So, dear readers, here's CJG's plan. He's not going to blog every day. He's going to blog whenever the spirit moves him, hopefully about once a week. If you want to know when a new blog post goes up, subscribe to the blog if you can figure out how. CJG can't help you there because he doesn't understand it himself. Or, just check in once in a while. As always, all CJG blog posts will be rigorously fact-checked by the staff of Congresswoman from Pluto, Michelle Bachmann, the dingbat who thought the battles of Lexington and Concord were fought in New Hampshire and that the founding fathers worked tirelessly to end slavery. CJG has to go now because the clueless guy sitting next to him at Starbucks is under the misimpression that he's in his own office and that we all like listening to him talk on the phone. Away two weeks in Tora Bora but CJG's pet peeves remain intact.

Today's Random Musings

Here's how it works in America where stardom, earned or accidental, is the coin of the realm: Bristol Palin, 20, the Quarter-baked Alaska, earned more than a quarter of a million dollars last year from a foundation that promotes teenage abstinence about which the unwed teenage mother would apparently know very little. So, you can be a teacher in Wisconsin, an auto worker in Detroit, or even a pediatrician in Iowa with thirty years of experience and you won't make close to that. But get knocked up by some knucklehead hockey player from Wasilla and have the senile John McCain pick your incompetent mother to be his running mate and the money flows in like oil in the Gulf. It's as American as apple pie.

America's sweetheart and unwed mother, Bristol Palin: abstinence advocate.

That giant sucking sound you hear in New England over the gnashing of teeth is the despair of Red Sox Nation just four games into the regular season in which the Red Sox, with the second highest payroll in Major League Baseball, have mustered an 0-4 record. Now, it's still early; the season is very, very long. But this team is, as all the pundits say, built to win a World Series. Red Sox fans have long forgotten the Japanese tsunami and will probably be unaffected by the government shutdown the Tea Party and its hostages in Congress have planned because those are trivial matters compared with the sorry start the Red Sox have managed. Yup, we have our priorities straight in Red Sox Nation. And you think Bristol Palin makes a lot of money?

Isn't it time for Southwest Airlines to pull those ads that talk about how other airlines have frequent flyer "restrictions through the roof?" At least those airlines fly planes that have a roof.

The trial of Italy's Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi on sex charges opened yesterday in Milan and was immediately adjourned until May 31. Talk about the wheels of justice turning slowly! Watching this trial get underway is like waiting for Spiderman to open on Broadway.

Finally, this. What exactly does Newt Gingrich do for a living?

Tax Form Simplified

With just eleven days to go until the deadline for filing tax returns, crankyjewishguy (CJG) has developed an alternative Form 1040 which, he submits, would be much easier than the current one and would give taxpayers some say over how their tax dollars are used. Here it is:

1.Your Name___________________ Your Social Security No. ____________________

2. Do you want $1 to go to the Tom deLay Legal Defense Fund? Circle Yes or No.

3. Did you have a good year last year? Not financially, just in general. We at the IRS care about you!
Circle Yes or No. If you'd like to pour your heart out attach additional pages.

4. How much money did you make year? Be honest. $___________.

5. OK, to figure your tax, multiple the amount on line 4 by Derek Jeter's lifetime batting average and write the amount here: $ ___________.

6. Now, multiply the amount on line 5 by 10% and write the number in here: $_____. This is how much of your tax we are sending on your behalf to NPR. You will receive an NPR coffee mug directly from them.

7. If you would like to opt out of your share of federal spending on weapons of mass destruction, put a checkmark here: ___.

8. If you would like us to send a percentage of your tax liability to support your local schools, write the percentage here (must be less than 90% since we are sending 10% to NPR.) ___%.

9. If you are Donald Trump, please attach an original copy of your birth certificate. The bogus one you produced the other day doesn't count.

10. If the amounts on lines 6 and 8 add up to less than the amount on line 5, this is how much we are going to keep. Thank you for doing business with the United States of America.

P.S. Oh yeah, don't forget to sign here: _______________

Ask Crankyjewishguy Vol.9: College Admissions

Today's letter is from a mother in Great Neck, NY whose 17 year-old daughter just got letters from all of the colleges she applied to this year.

Dear Crankyjewishguy (CJG),
I am beside myself. My little princess, Hillary, applied to 247 colleges and was rejected by 212 of them, including all of the Ivy League schools for which, I might add, she was overqualified. Thirty schools put her on the waiting list. She got into only five schools including Southwest Arizona Community College (where she is qualified to be President), Montana Southern University School of Agriculture, The University of New South Wales (which is, I believe, in Australia), the New Jersey School of Advanced Air Conditioning and Heating, and Bryn Mawr. Unfortunately, Bryn Mawr offered no financial aid so that's off the list. What I don't understand is that Hillary had a 4.4 GPA (with 4.0 being the highest possible score), a combined 2380 on her SATs (she missed a question about the hypotenuse of a triangle), was President of her class, played varsity tennis, field hockey and basketball (on the boy's team), spent a summer rebuilding levees in New Orleans with money she raised selling patchwork quilts she made herself, and was a finalist on American Idol last year. In her free time she studied classical piano and was named New York State's most promising musician under the age of twenty, devised a project to bring electricity to remote villages in Zimbabwe over Facebook, and ran, albeit unsuccessfully, for Congress. Do you think it was that question she missed on the math SAT that ruined her chances to attend a good college.
Beside Myself in Great Neck

Dear Beside Myself in Great Neck,
Yes.
CJG

Today's Jobs Report

Staff at the Republican National Committee looking for ways to portray the addition
 of 216,000 jobs to the U.S. economy as more bad news.

Crankyjewishguy (CJG) is pressed for time today, so he'd just like to point out to all those who say "up" when President Obama says "down," and "stop" when President Obama says, "go," that in the first three months of this year the U.S. economy ADDED 500,000 new jobs, 216,000 last month alone. If memory serves, by the end of Bush years the economy was losing about a half million jobs a month (8 million jobs lost on Bush's watch). Oh, and by the way, the first three months of this year saw the stock market post it's largest three-month gain in more than a decade. Since Obama was sworn in it's waaaay up. So, don't you just love listening to the Republicans talk about fixing the economy they destroyed just a few short years ago? But, don't worry, they'll find bad news in these encouraging employment numbers.

An American Idle

Because Mrs. Crankyjewishguy (CJG) is a big American Idol fan, CJG sometimes finds himself sucked in despite his best intentions. Take last night, for example. CJG had planned to watch something educational about the mating habits of fish on Animal Planet but got diverted. And he has to say, there is something oddly compelling on what is, after all, just a huge, overhyped talent show.

Steven Tyler has proven to be surprisingly funny though it may be to his comic advantage that he looks like a gay chimpanzee or Mick Jagger's long lost second cousin. CJG was never an Aerosmith fan, and had only a passing familiarity with Tyler before, but he seems kind and quirkily charming.

Jennifer Lopez projects an air of authenticity rare in such a big star. She came from humble beginnings in New York City and maybe she really hasn't forgotten where she comes from, who knows? But what was it with the make up and the lighting last night? It looked like someone had surgically implanted a collar stay on top of her nose bone. There was this weird flat plane to her nose neither Mr. or Mrs. CJG had ever noticed before. In fact, CJG can't remember a single performance from last night but dreamt about J-Lo's nose.

Which brings us to Randy Jackson. CJG used to think the acerbic Simon Cowell was the show's sine qua non, which is lawyer talk (or Latin) for "that without which," as in Simon Cowell was the man without which American Idol would wither and die. But it proved not to be the case. Randy Jackson is now "the man," and CJG finds him interesting to watch because he seems like he'd be a fun guy to hang out with. Not that CJG wouldn't mind hanging out with J-Lo, mind you. Steven Tyler? Not so sure.

Anyway, CJG hasn't quite gotten to the point where he's voting for his American Idol, but if he were he'd vote for himself.

P.S. Don't write to CJG and tell him there's a mis-spelling in today's headline. There isn't. CJG is just clever.

Trumped Again!

You know, crankyjewishguy (CJG) keeps trying to move on past dumping on Michelle Bachmann, Half Baked Alaska and Donald Trump, but they're the gift that just keeps giving.

In his latest ramble about Barack Obama's birth certificate, Trump trotted out his own and wondered why, if he could produce his in an hour, Obama wasn't producing his. This is Trump's birth certificate:

But there's a slight problem, as a New York City official pointed out. It has neither the raised seal, nor the signature of the Registrar of Births that an official New York City birth certificate would have. CJG thinks this counts as a major gaffe by Richie Rich. Now, CJG doesn't doubt Trump was born in New York, with both a silver spoon and his foot in his mouth; either that or he comes from another galaxy and is using that combover to conceal antennae. But he does think maybe it's time for him to shut-up about Obama's place of birth and stick to simply bragging about himself as usual. Seriously, can anyone imagine this guy running the country?

A Tribute to Dr. Seuss

When the national memorial to Theodore Geisel, alias Dr. Seuss, was dedicated in his hometown of Springfield, Massachusetts in June of 2002, The Christian Science Monitor asked crankyjewishguy (CJG) to cover the dedication ceremony. (They didn’t know CJG by that name, of course.) CJG loved Dr. Seuss as a child, and no books were more fun to read to his own children when they were young than Dr. Seuss’, so he was thrilled by the assignment. There was one catch: the editors wanted the story, with all the key facts, told in verse. Here is the story, reprinted here for your enjoyment.

I am here!

Here I am!

With Horton the Elephant, Yertle, and Sam.

We didn’t come here for green eggs and ham,

But to open a memorial that honors the man,

Who penned hundreds and hundreds of wondrous pages

Still read out loud by kids of all ages.

With six million bucks, point nine from the feds,

His hometown chose to honor old Ted.

Geisel, that is, the man known to youse

As the incomparable, indomitable, beloved Dr. Seuss.

It’s titanic, stupendous, marvelous, gigantic!

What they’ve done in this city is truly fantastic!

From Hamden and Hampshire and Northampton, too,

They came far and wide to this most unusual zoo.

From here to there, from hither to yon

Giant bronze sculptures adorn a green lawn.

There’s The Grinch, and Thidwick, and a book ten feet tall,

And, no, that’s not all (no, that’s certainly not all);

There’s The Cat (in the Hat), The Lorax, and Max

Said the city’s good mayor, it’s a fine use of your tax.

Senators and congressmen heeded the call,

To sing Seuss’ praises here on the mall,

Proving once again that to many a pol,

A ceremony is a ceremony, no matter how small!

Sixteen years in the making, this garden delightful

Seems sure to please even the frightful,

From toddlers and tots, on up to oldsters,

They’ll come in their strollers, their bikes and their roadsters.

Say there, young man, can you tell me your name?

Well, Xadrian Gonzalez, how ‘bout a game?

Which book of Seuss is the best, if you please?

Really? You don’t say: “Green Ham and Cheese!”

And you little girl, Miss Olivia Malone,

In that big bronze chair sitting all alone,

Tell me, pray tell me, when it comes to Seuss,

Which of his books gets the most use?

“The Cat in the Hat” and “The Grinch” so you say?

May your heart grow three sizes this fine sunny day!

From Greenwich to Guam, from Greece to Gibraltar

Stockholm, Seattle, and North East Tidewater,

From Phoenix to Fez, St. Pete to Geneve

Four hundred million copies, can you believe?

(Oh. Yes, don’t forget, that includes Tel Aviv!)

His books are great fun, there’s no doubt about that,

But there’s much more to Seuss than a cat in a hat.

Save the environment! Raise every voice!

Stand against bigotry! Rejoice! Rejoice!

An icon, a treasure, a muse to the nation,

A tradition passed on to the next generation.

Lap to lap his words have been read,

To countless small children all snuggled in bed.

So, whether you’re one or a hundred and two,

This National Memorial may be for you

Indeed, I dare say, this place is a blast!

And to think that I saw it in old Springfield, Mass!

There She Goes Again

As a post-script to my last post, at an appearance before conservatives in Iowa yesterday, Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann,who has of late shown an appalling ignorance of basic facts about American history, took a shot at President Obama saying, the U.S is now "engaged in a third Middle East war. Talk about March Madness. Can anyone see Jimmy Carter?"

The first two Middle East wars she is apparently referring to are the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq started during the Bush Administration and which, thanks to careful planning and brilliant strategy, are now dragging into their second decade. But if you're a Republican congresswoman with no grip on reality, the first two also get put on Obama. She plays the same game on the economy: it's Obama's fault the economy hasn't created in two years the 8 million jobs lost under Bush who was president for eight. It matters not that the economy under Obama is creating jobs and hemorrhaged them under Bush. For Bachmann, there is no history before January 20, 2008.

Crankyjewishguy (CJG) really hopes Bachmann runs for president because the more she says, the more ridiculous she appears. But, CJG also knows that there isn't anything Bachmann could say, no matter how inane, ill-informed, or plain old dumb that would put a dent in her support among those who currently adore her, which says a lot about both her and those supporters. When you live in your own world where up is down and two plus two equals five, it simply doesn't matter what you say. There will always be those who think you're a math genius.

War and Peace

Here's the question crankyjewishguy (CJG) is turning over and over this morning. Why is it that when a Republican is president other Republicans, and a lot of Democrats, will follow like lemmings as the president plunges us into an ill-advised war based on ginned up evidence that will cost the country trillions and keep us at war for more than a decade, all without a declaration of war, and, oh, by the way, if you oppose the president or the war you are an unpatriotic, French-style sissy, but when a Democratic president authorizes air strikes in say, Libya or the former Yugoslavia, there's a huge outcry about the president not getting a declaration of war, lack of mission, lack of a clear strategy etc. etc. etc. If you'll recall, a common refrain before the Iraq war was, "he killed his own people." Now that Quaddafi or however the fuck he spells his name is killing his own people that's not a good reason anymore. CJG isn't taking a side one way or the other about the strikes in Libya, he just wonders about the ridiculous double-standard Republicans apply to questions of war and peace.

Trump That!

Donald Trump. The Pillsbury Dough Boy of American politics is at it again, and yes, crankyjewishguy (CJG) meant "dough" as a double entendre.

What is it with this guy? He's making sounds like he's going to run for president as if what this country needs is some reality TV clown with big with hair and a bigger mouth which, come to think of it, sounds like another Republican who might be running for president. The guy is a braggart: did you you see the TV interview he did from his private jet, the one with some original 18th century art masterpiece hanging in the passenger cabin, where he told the reporter he went to the best college, was really smart and has done tons of brilliant deals? How he could solve the Somali pirate problem with a few ships and "a good admiral?" He sounds like the obnoxious kid in your junior high school with the rich daddy and all the latest toys. And he keeps wondering why no one seems to have known Obama when he was growing up in Hawaii. Do you know anyone who knew Donald Trump growing up in New York? Anyone who actually liked him?

But Trump is going to have one huge problem on the campaign trail, and that's staying out of the wind because anything more than a slight breeze and that ridiculous combover he's got on top of his head is going to make him look like a circus clown. Believe CJG, it's not going to be pretty.

Seriously, what does he think
 when he combs his hair in the morning?

We Are (Probably) Not Alone

A recent study by NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory has concluded that there are two billion, that's billion, Earth-like planets just in our own galaxy that could be capable of sustaining life. Two billion planets in the neighborhood and this woman had to appear on ours?

Alien from Alaska arrives on Planet Earth

pretending to be a Jew. Note the necklace.

Crankyjewishguy (CJG) doesn't like to pick nits, but what does a laboratory devoted to "jet propulsion" know about this subject? Maybe the NASA Laboratory for Finding Life Forms in the Universe, but the Jet Propulsion Laboratory?

Regardless, CJG thinks this is pretty stunning information because it would seem, on the face of it, to mean that the chances are very high that we are not alone in the Universe. After all, there are billions of galaxies out there, too, and if they have billions of Earth-like planets that means there are, oh, a gazillion planets where there could be intelligent life, unlike Earth where signs of intelligent life can be hard to find. All his life CJG has been dying to know if there is life on other planets and he is now creeping toward 60, so he'd appreciate it if any aliens out there would make themselves known to us relatively soon. But before they get here, we really should straighten the place up a bit. Between the oil and sludge fouling the Gulf of Mexico, radiation leaking from reactors in Japan, and New Jersey, that's right, just New Jersey, the place looks like a dump.

You think they could have at least vacuumed the carpets?

On a somewhat related note, you may have seen that while visiting Israel yesterday for what must have been a very important meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu,  Half Baked Alaska was wearing a Star of David necklace (see photo above). Now, can you imagine New York Senator Chuck Schumer wearing a cross to The Vatican? Or CJG wearing one to Doyle's Pub in Boston? It's one thing for non-Jewish men to wear a yarmuckle inside a Temple, that's required of all men in many synagogues and is a sign of respect for custom. But jewelry to a meeting? Please. CJG sure hopes she takes it off next time she's field dressing a moose because even though moose are kosher it just wouldn't look right. We'd go straight to the meat counter and buy it pre-wrapped.

Ask Crankyjewishguy Vol.8: Cell Phone Etiquette

Today's letter comes from a reader in Jacksonville who writes that he saw a story that rude cell phone behavior is on the rise and asks, "in your opinion, what rules should apply to cell phone use in public places? I know cell phones are one of crankyjewishguy's (CJG) pet peeves."
Signed, On Vibrate in Jacksonville.

Dear On Vibrate,
CJG is going to skip over your choice of moniker because he promised Mrs. CJG he wouldn't use his blog to indulge in sexual innuendo, but he's really glad you asked this question because he's been looking for a reason to codify his cell phone rules to live by. So, here we go (when in public, of course; do whatever the hell you want in your own house):
1. Silence the ringer. CJG is constantly being startled in parking lots by cars that insist on blasting their horns when locked by remote control, and by obnoxious and loud ring tones. The world isn't a phone booth; don't treat it as such.
2. Absolutely no cell phone conversations in elevators. Is there anything worse than being stuck with some loudmouth yakking with his girlfriend, mother or boss for 20 floors? If the people around you have no escape, have the courtesy of not sharing your private conversations with them.
3. Public restrooms. Short of soliciting sex in a public restroom, this really is no place for a cell phone conversation. When CJG sees guys at urinals with their phones tucked between their shoulder and ear, he prays the offender drops the phone because he wants to see if he's desperate enough to fish it out of a public urinal.
4. Restaurants. If we wanted to have dinner with you, as opposed to next to you, we'd have invited you over. So, don't ruin our evening out with your meaningless babble. And have you ever looked at yourself? Is there anything ruder than ignoring the dinner company at your table to talk to someone who didn't even show up? And if you're alone, maybe you should ask yourself why.
5. See that four year-old desperately trying to get your attention, the one pulling on your arm and yelling, "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!" He's wondering why your %&@*ing cell phone is more important than his getting to a bathroom before he wets himself. So, when you are with your kids, pay attention to them, not your friend Jackie whose telling you about the Pilates class she's in right now.
6. You are not as good a driver as you think you are, and being on the phone isn't making you any better. This really is a no-brainer that few people seem to get. Really, believe CJG, it can wait until you aren't behind the wheel of a three-ton mass of metal traveling 70 mph down a busy highway.

Save the Planet? Americans Say "No"

Sorry, crankyjewishguy (CJG) was missing in action there yesterday, a victim of March Madness. There sure were a lot of close games yesterday, enough to drive CJG's younger son, who has $10 in a school pool, crazy because he's already, mentally anyway, spent the $700 he stands to win if his "bracket" tops those of 69 other kids. CJG isn't sure of this type of gambling is sanctioned by the school so he is declaring an area that comprises the high school campus an Indian reservation.

Now, what's chapping CJG's ass today is that a recent poll shows that by the widest margin in three decades, Americans say economic growth should take priority over protecting the environment. The spread is 54% to 36%.

What troubles CJG is that in the long-term we ain't gonna have much of an economy if we let the environment go to hell. Just take a look at the price, human and economic, Japan is paying for building six nuclear reactors in one of the worst earthquake zones on Earth. Even more to the point, clean energy technology offers one of the greatest economic opportunities of our lifetime, and we're still sitting here, lagging way behind the Chinese, weighing the fossil fuel/nuclear options. Long-term thinking in Washington is defined as two years, or the greatest distance between now and the next election. Even college basketball coaches building a program have a longer frame of reference than that. Yup, we're in March Madness alright.

Some Thoughts on College Admissions

When crankjewishguy (CJG) applied to college sometime in the middle part of the last century, he was asked some interesting questions. This was in the day when you visited most of the colleges you were applying to and had an interview with a member of the admissions committee. At one Ivy League school, CJG won't say which one except to note that its name is the same as the color as some of his shoes, he was asked what he thought of life insurance and life insurance salesmen. As a callow 17-year-old CJG was non-plused by this questions and it's only with the benefit of decades of hindsight that he realizes that this was a trick question designed to test how well he handled a curveball. Not very well apparently because he didn't get into that college on a hill and had to settle for another college where they don't teach life insurance. But at the college he did attend, the dean of admissions was known to have someone from maintenance seal the window in his office and then ask prospective students to open it so he could gauge how they handled the dilemma.

If you have college-age kids, or are going through the college application process now, you know it's become much more sophisticated and anxiety producing than in CJG's day. It's also become much less personal. The college interview is a relic, except for the alumni interview, most of which, from CJG's observation, take place in Starbucks. They are easy to spot: it's usually a strained conversation in which a nervous kid is asked whether he or she has any questions for the interviewer whereupon the kid pulls out a few painfully obvious questions about what the person studied, whether they liked the school, and so forth, as if the experience there in 2012 will be the same as it was in 1968. This is usually the signal for the alum to spill his or her life story to a kid forty years their junior who is listening, sort of, but only because he or she desperately wants in.

Once they have your SAT scores, if they require them -- and who scores high and doesn't send them in -- and your grades, it seems to CJG that the modern application could be boiled down to a few simple questions:

1. Do you have a name? If so, write it here: _________________________

2. Have you ever read a book?

3. Do you know what a book is?

4. On a scale of one to ten, with ten being the highest, how badly do you want to come to college here?

5. Can your parents muster $200,000 over the next four years?

That about covers it, CJG thinks, and we'd all save a whole lot of time.

Yikes!

As readers of crankyjewishguy (CJG) know, last week he and his older son took a Great American Road Trip down Highway 1 along the California coast. It's a harrowing drive at times; the road hugs the great cliffs of Big Sur and there's often not even a guardrail between you and the pounding surf hundreds of feet below. Not that you should do it anywhere, you absolutely shouldn't, but this is about the last place to text and drive. This road demands your full attention. But this morning, CJG is thinking about fate because yesterday a 100 foot stretch of Highway 1 near Big Sur looked like this:

Now, this is a tiny, miniscule calamity considering what the poor people of Japan are enduring; their nightmare is going to be a long one and their suffering is, quite literally, beyond comprehension. And, incredibly, no one was driving this stretch of Highway 1 when the road collapsed, or was speeding along unaware until they hit what has to be the world's largest pothole. So, no one as hurt and no one died, so it really isn't a calamity at all so much as a massive inconvenience for nearby residents because there's no viable alternative to Route 1 and it's going to take months to fix. But it does give you pause when you realize that a few days here or there and you could have been very much in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Sue the Bastards!

Oh, now this is really rich. A New Yorker named Nicole Imprescia is suing the York Avenue Preschool seeking a refund of $19,000 in tuition she paid (yes, that's 19 grand for a pre-school) after pulling her four-year-old daughter out of the school after just three weeks. Imprescia claims that her "very smart" daughter's chances of getting into an elite private college, presumably in 2024, were jeopardized because the pre-school was not adequately preparing little Lucia for the entrance exam required to get into one of New York City's elite private elementary schools, which is to say, kindergarten. It seems that York Avenue Preschool was teaching kids one alphabet letter a week instead of advanced theoretical physics and allowing them to play instead of offering a college level course on Chaucer, which, crankyjewishguy (CJG) would have to say, you might have reason to expect for $19,000 a year.

This woman makes that Tiger Mom, the Yale law professor, Amy Chua, whose demands of her two children bordered on sadistic, look like Mr. Rogers, or at least Mrs. Rogers. Here's CJG's opinion: Lucia Imprescia will have no more than a one in a million shot at happiness because her mother is an idiot. Now, lots of children survive idiot parents, and vice versa, but can't you just imagine what a self-entitled, obnoxious, self-centered woman this is? CJG can just see her behind the wheel of her Lexus SUV, driving down the Fire Lane on Park Avenue while texting her lawyer.

By the way, CJG has an exclusive to share: he obtained little Lucia's first drawing after being pulled out of York Avenue Preschool and here it is:

Pretty good for a four-year-old, don't you think?

Hypocrites

From the "Did He Really Say That Department," former Speaker of the House and presidential aspirant Newt Gingrich told the Christian Broadcasting Network that his past extramarital affairs were the result of his loving his country so much. Don't believe crankyjewishguy (CJG)? Then see for yourself. One of the wives he cheated on, by the way, was suffering from cancer. Can you imagine how much you'd have to love your country to do that? There are young women and men dying on battlefields half way around the world because they love their country, and others working with the poor or marginalized. But old Newt really made the ultimate sacrifice and a grateful nation thanks him. CJG is sure Newt's excuse will meet with widespread acceptance by American voters, especially the right wing zealots Newt is courting. After all, they were able to embrace Bristol Palin's teenage out of wedlock pregnancy for the simple reason that she didn't have an abortion. Thus, according to the logic, she personified the "family values" they claim to cherish so much. And Newt was, after all, just trying to start new families.

Funny, he doesn't look Jewish.

For another Republican hypocrite, we turn to New York Congressman Peter King, the one holding hearings on the radicalization of American Muslims, a hearing that smells like Act 2 of the McCarthy hearings. What makes King such a hypocrite here is that he was an ardent supporter of the Irish Republican Army, the terror group behind numerous deadly terrorist attacks in Britain in the late 20th century. But, as King explained, the IRA didn't target Americans and he since he loves America, who cares? Seriously: are these people for real?

Funny, he doesn't look Jewish, either.