Excuse Me. Is That Your Foot?

Believe crankyjewishguy (CJG) when he tells you he isn't pulling your leg about this story he read online last week. British Columbia, as you may know, is a spectacular place with magnificent coastlines, dramatic mountain peaks, and pure, crystal clear lakes. When CJG traveled there a few years back it reminded him of where he grew up in northern New Jersey.

But British Columbia has been plagued of late with a very bizarre form of pollution. Over the past four years, nine, yes nine, unattached human feet have washed up on British Columbia's shores, the latest one on a lakefront. This kind of stuff wouldn't even be news in New Jersey, but in bucolic British Columbia it's really out of the ordinary.

Daniel Day Lewis starred in the
 1989 film that foreshadowed
events in British Columbia.

The previous feet, all in running shoes, have washed up on ocean beaches. Six of them were determined to come from four individuals (meaning at least two pair of socks managed not to get separated in the laundry). The last one was in a hiking boot. But here's the kicker, if CJG can use that term: foul play isn't suspected in any of these cases. Really? Somehow, at least six people went for a run or a hike, became separated from their feet, and foul play isn't suspected? CJG wonders what kind of evidence in a rash of missing feet cases would lead investigators to believe all of these people either outran their own feet, or otherwise managed to become separated from their primary means of locomotion by natural means. (By the way, for a fabulous rendition of Carole King's smash hit, Do the Locomotion, click here. That's Slash, no pun intended, on guitar. And note the YouTube headline: "Carole King feat Slash.")

Now, CJG is no detective or forensic anthropologist, but it strikes him that if these feetless people were dead, chances are other part of their bodies would likely have turned up at some point, too. Really, what are the chances that six or seven people in British Columbia could lose their feet and not have other body parts running around somewhere (so to speak). On the other hand, if these people were still around surely someone at some point would have noticed and said to them, "hey, what happened to your foot?" Or in at least two cases, if CJG's math is right, "what happened to your feet? Forget them on the trail?" CJG would also be interested to know what brand of running shoes and hiking boots were involved so he can buy other brands.

Astute fans of the hit TV series Lost always knew
this scene was shot in British Columbia, not Hawaii.

This is truly a first rate mystery. Almost as mysterious as the whereabouts of Rick Perry's brain.

We Are (Probably) Not Alone

A recent study by NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory has concluded that there are two billion, that's billion, Earth-like planets just in our own galaxy that could be capable of sustaining life. Two billion planets in the neighborhood and this woman had to appear on ours?

Alien from Alaska arrives on Planet Earth

pretending to be a Jew. Note the necklace.

Crankyjewishguy (CJG) doesn't like to pick nits, but what does a laboratory devoted to "jet propulsion" know about this subject? Maybe the NASA Laboratory for Finding Life Forms in the Universe, but the Jet Propulsion Laboratory?

Regardless, CJG thinks this is pretty stunning information because it would seem, on the face of it, to mean that the chances are very high that we are not alone in the Universe. After all, there are billions of galaxies out there, too, and if they have billions of Earth-like planets that means there are, oh, a gazillion planets where there could be intelligent life, unlike Earth where signs of intelligent life can be hard to find. All his life CJG has been dying to know if there is life on other planets and he is now creeping toward 60, so he'd appreciate it if any aliens out there would make themselves known to us relatively soon. But before they get here, we really should straighten the place up a bit. Between the oil and sludge fouling the Gulf of Mexico, radiation leaking from reactors in Japan, and New Jersey, that's right, just New Jersey, the place looks like a dump.

You think they could have at least vacuumed the carpets?

On a somewhat related note, you may have seen that while visiting Israel yesterday for what must have been a very important meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu,  Half Baked Alaska was wearing a Star of David necklace (see photo above). Now, can you imagine New York Senator Chuck Schumer wearing a cross to The Vatican? Or CJG wearing one to Doyle's Pub in Boston? It's one thing for non-Jewish men to wear a yarmuckle inside a Temple, that's required of all men in many synagogues and is a sign of respect for custom. But jewelry to a meeting? Please. CJG sure hopes she takes it off next time she's field dressing a moose because even though moose are kosher it just wouldn't look right. We'd go straight to the meat counter and buy it pre-wrapped.

A Little Italy

So much raw material, so little time! Today, crankyjewishguy (CJG) doesn't know where to go first: to the arrests of more than a hundred mobsters in the largest one-day Mafia round-up in U.S. history, or the latest revelations about Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi's lurid sex life. CJG is almost afraid to mention what these two stories have in common because he doesn't want to return involuntarily to his home state of New Jersey, so figure it out for yourself.

Let's start with the mob. The federal indictments handed down yesterday included charges of murder, extortion, narcotics trafficking, illegal gambling, loan sharking and racketeering, a panoply of crimes otherwise known as a Jersey Poo-Poo Platter. Give us a break. Other than going to the shore or the mall that's all there is to do in New Jersey. All the major New York/New Jersey crime families -- Lucchese, Gambino, Colombo, Bonanno and Genovese -- and the Patriarcha Family of New England, were affected. (CJG is sorry if he left anyone out. Let him know and he'll publish your family name in a future post.)

As usual, the list of defendants includes people with names like Jackie the Nose, Vinny Carwash, Junior Lollipops, Jack the Whack and Tony Bagels. (No, CJG didn't make that up.) Some of those names don't even sound Italian, which makes CJG suspect they may not be their real names. In fact, Tony Bagels sounds vaguely Jewish, doesn't it? Anyway, all this just reminds CJG how much he misses The Sopranos.

Of the 127 people charged in federal indictments yesterday, all but one were arrested in the U.S. The other was arrested in Italy and much to CJG's surprise it wasn't Silvio Berlusconi. Actually, what Berlusconi's been up to sounds like much more fun than murder, loan sharking and illegal gambling. He's been cavorting with teenage girls and paying them huge sums of money to keep quiet about it, except that Silvio, who is 74, obviously doesn't appreciate the reach of a teenage girl with an iPhone. So, now Italian prosecutors have about 300 pages of transcripts and other information that reveal a level of depravity that makes the Lewinsky scandal look like a pancake breakfast at a Baptist church in Mobile.

It seems Silvio "The Salami" Berlusconi was done in by one Karima El Mahroug, an under-age Moroccan belly dancer known as Karima Cheese and Bagels. (No relation to Tony Bagels.) Just kidding. She's known as "Ruby the Heart Stealer." Sounds faintly reminiscent of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, don't you think? Anyway, here's a picture of the femme fatale...

Karima El Mahroug, Silvio Berlusconi's right hand man, as it were.

At least CJG thinks that's a picture of Karima El Mahroug. On closer examination it could be American Idol judge Steven Tyler. "Judge" for yourself.