An American Idle

Because Mrs. Crankyjewishguy (CJG) is a big American Idol fan, CJG sometimes finds himself sucked in despite his best intentions. Take last night, for example. CJG had planned to watch something educational about the mating habits of fish on Animal Planet but got diverted. And he has to say, there is something oddly compelling on what is, after all, just a huge, overhyped talent show.

Steven Tyler has proven to be surprisingly funny though it may be to his comic advantage that he looks like a gay chimpanzee or Mick Jagger's long lost second cousin. CJG was never an Aerosmith fan, and had only a passing familiarity with Tyler before, but he seems kind and quirkily charming.

Jennifer Lopez projects an air of authenticity rare in such a big star. She came from humble beginnings in New York City and maybe she really hasn't forgotten where she comes from, who knows? But what was it with the make up and the lighting last night? It looked like someone had surgically implanted a collar stay on top of her nose bone. There was this weird flat plane to her nose neither Mr. or Mrs. CJG had ever noticed before. In fact, CJG can't remember a single performance from last night but dreamt about J-Lo's nose.

Which brings us to Randy Jackson. CJG used to think the acerbic Simon Cowell was the show's sine qua non, which is lawyer talk (or Latin) for "that without which," as in Simon Cowell was the man without which American Idol would wither and die. But it proved not to be the case. Randy Jackson is now "the man," and CJG finds him interesting to watch because he seems like he'd be a fun guy to hang out with. Not that CJG wouldn't mind hanging out with J-Lo, mind you. Steven Tyler? Not so sure.

Anyway, CJG hasn't quite gotten to the point where he's voting for his American Idol, but if he were he'd vote for himself.

P.S. Don't write to CJG and tell him there's a mis-spelling in today's headline. There isn't. CJG is just clever.

A Little Italy

So much raw material, so little time! Today, crankyjewishguy (CJG) doesn't know where to go first: to the arrests of more than a hundred mobsters in the largest one-day Mafia round-up in U.S. history, or the latest revelations about Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi's lurid sex life. CJG is almost afraid to mention what these two stories have in common because he doesn't want to return involuntarily to his home state of New Jersey, so figure it out for yourself.

Let's start with the mob. The federal indictments handed down yesterday included charges of murder, extortion, narcotics trafficking, illegal gambling, loan sharking and racketeering, a panoply of crimes otherwise known as a Jersey Poo-Poo Platter. Give us a break. Other than going to the shore or the mall that's all there is to do in New Jersey. All the major New York/New Jersey crime families -- Lucchese, Gambino, Colombo, Bonanno and Genovese -- and the Patriarcha Family of New England, were affected. (CJG is sorry if he left anyone out. Let him know and he'll publish your family name in a future post.)

As usual, the list of defendants includes people with names like Jackie the Nose, Vinny Carwash, Junior Lollipops, Jack the Whack and Tony Bagels. (No, CJG didn't make that up.) Some of those names don't even sound Italian, which makes CJG suspect they may not be their real names. In fact, Tony Bagels sounds vaguely Jewish, doesn't it? Anyway, all this just reminds CJG how much he misses The Sopranos.

Of the 127 people charged in federal indictments yesterday, all but one were arrested in the U.S. The other was arrested in Italy and much to CJG's surprise it wasn't Silvio Berlusconi. Actually, what Berlusconi's been up to sounds like much more fun than murder, loan sharking and illegal gambling. He's been cavorting with teenage girls and paying them huge sums of money to keep quiet about it, except that Silvio, who is 74, obviously doesn't appreciate the reach of a teenage girl with an iPhone. So, now Italian prosecutors have about 300 pages of transcripts and other information that reveal a level of depravity that makes the Lewinsky scandal look like a pancake breakfast at a Baptist church in Mobile.

It seems Silvio "The Salami" Berlusconi was done in by one Karima El Mahroug, an under-age Moroccan belly dancer known as Karima Cheese and Bagels. (No relation to Tony Bagels.) Just kidding. She's known as "Ruby the Heart Stealer." Sounds faintly reminiscent of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, don't you think? Anyway, here's a picture of the femme fatale...

Karima El Mahroug, Silvio Berlusconi's right hand man, as it were.

At least CJG thinks that's a picture of Karima El Mahroug. On closer examination it could be American Idol judge Steven Tyler. "Judge" for yourself.