Tax Form Simplified

With just eleven days to go until the deadline for filing tax returns, crankyjewishguy (CJG) has developed an alternative Form 1040 which, he submits, would be much easier than the current one and would give taxpayers some say over how their tax dollars are used. Here it is:

1.Your Name___________________ Your Social Security No. ____________________

2. Do you want $1 to go to the Tom deLay Legal Defense Fund? Circle Yes or No.

3. Did you have a good year last year? Not financially, just in general. We at the IRS care about you!
Circle Yes or No. If you'd like to pour your heart out attach additional pages.

4. How much money did you make year? Be honest. $___________.

5. OK, to figure your tax, multiple the amount on line 4 by Derek Jeter's lifetime batting average and write the amount here: $ ___________.

6. Now, multiply the amount on line 5 by 10% and write the number in here: $_____. This is how much of your tax we are sending on your behalf to NPR. You will receive an NPR coffee mug directly from them.

7. If you would like to opt out of your share of federal spending on weapons of mass destruction, put a checkmark here: ___.

8. If you would like us to send a percentage of your tax liability to support your local schools, write the percentage here (must be less than 90% since we are sending 10% to NPR.) ___%.

9. If you are Donald Trump, please attach an original copy of your birth certificate. The bogus one you produced the other day doesn't count.

10. If the amounts on lines 6 and 8 add up to less than the amount on line 5, this is how much we are going to keep. Thank you for doing business with the United States of America.

P.S. Oh yeah, don't forget to sign here: _______________

Don't Look If You Are Offended by Sexually Explicit Images!

Crankyjewishguy (CJG) learned a valuable lesson yesterday. He blogged about something to do with sex and more than tripled his average number of daily visitors. Coincidence? CJG submits that it is not. But even more interesting is that CJG's blog post yesterday contained two images, one of a Kosher cheese steak sandwich (inside Jewish joke) and the other a mug shot of disgraced former congressman Tom DeLay. (The cheese steak was the one with meat and cheese inside a sub roll. The other was just a cheesy meathead.) Given that you can find far more exciting pictures in about .0000001 seconds on the Internet, CJG is flattered that so many people were curious to see what he had to say on the subject of sex and hopes it was helpful because CJG lives to serve.

But, just for the sake of science, CJG is going to post a sexually explicit photo here today and see what happens. He'll let you know tomorrow if his server crashed.

If you are offended by sexually explicit material this is your last chance to turn back.

For those who proceeded through the warning signs, here it is...

Tom "The Hammer" DeLay on Dancing With the Stars.
  Now that's obscene.

Scratch and Sniff: Astonishing New Finding in Sex Research!

While perusing the Internet yesterday, crankyjewishguy (CJG) came across an article that really piqued his interest. The article says scientists have determined that the way a man smells may be the most important factor for women when it comes to picking sex partners. This caused CJG to immediately tuck his nose under his arm in the middle of Starbucks where three very attractive women were in the process of undressing the nerdy guy at the next table who apparently smelled like Brad Pitt (no pun intended).

What CJG finds especially remarkable is that there are real scientists out there spending real time and real money to study such things. Rather than spending their time finding cures for disease, or figuring out how to save the Earth from the ravages of climate change or a speeding asteroid the size of Rhode Island, these scientists are figuring out what odors women find attractive in a man. Finally, science we can actually use! Scientists aren't going for cologne or aftershave odors, but natural odors which, theoretically, can only be masked by colognes and aftershaves, but not altered by them. One experiment involved having men wear the same t-shirt two days in a row and then having women smell the different t-shirts and, based on that, pick a husband, or something like that. Just who, CJG wants to know, volunteers for these experiments and what are their goals in life?

Even more astonishing is that scientists have determined that odor preferences vary by city. So, for example, women in New York prefer men who smell like coffee, which may explain the high rate of STDs among male baristas in Manhattan. In L.A., it's lavender. In Chicago, it's vanilla. Cut grass, for reasons unclear, is the preferred odor in the Twin Cities. OK, so far, so good. But if you are a guy and you live in Houston, you need to aspire to smell like barbeque. No, CJG is not kidding and no, he doesn't want to meet your cute sister from Houston. But CJG's favorite is Philadelphia. You'd think the preferred man odor there would be cheese steak, but it's not. It's clean laundry. How they determined this by having women sniff two-day old t-shirts CJG has no idea.

Do women in Philadelphia prefer men
 who smell like cheese steak? The answer may surprise you.

The obvious lesson here is that men having trouble dating should figure out what their natural odor is and move to the city where women prefer that particular aroma. CJG conducted a little informal survey of his own and offers these suggestions:

If you smell like a landfill...Newark or Jersey City, NJ.

If you smell like oak with hints of blackberry and spice and citrus notes...Napa, CA.

If you smell like a buffalo in August...Cheyenne, WY.

If you smell like burning rubber...Indianapolis, IN. (Note, that's "burning rubber," as in the Indy 500, not "a burning rubber.")

And, if you smell like laundered money...anywhere in the 22nd congressional district of Texas. It worked for this guy: