Ask Crankyjewishguy Vol.8: Cell Phone Etiquette

Today's letter comes from a reader in Jacksonville who writes that he saw a story that rude cell phone behavior is on the rise and asks, "in your opinion, what rules should apply to cell phone use in public places? I know cell phones are one of crankyjewishguy's (CJG) pet peeves."
Signed, On Vibrate in Jacksonville.

Dear On Vibrate,
CJG is going to skip over your choice of moniker because he promised Mrs. CJG he wouldn't use his blog to indulge in sexual innuendo, but he's really glad you asked this question because he's been looking for a reason to codify his cell phone rules to live by. So, here we go (when in public, of course; do whatever the hell you want in your own house):
1. Silence the ringer. CJG is constantly being startled in parking lots by cars that insist on blasting their horns when locked by remote control, and by obnoxious and loud ring tones. The world isn't a phone booth; don't treat it as such.
2. Absolutely no cell phone conversations in elevators. Is there anything worse than being stuck with some loudmouth yakking with his girlfriend, mother or boss for 20 floors? If the people around you have no escape, have the courtesy of not sharing your private conversations with them.
3. Public restrooms. Short of soliciting sex in a public restroom, this really is no place for a cell phone conversation. When CJG sees guys at urinals with their phones tucked between their shoulder and ear, he prays the offender drops the phone because he wants to see if he's desperate enough to fish it out of a public urinal.
4. Restaurants. If we wanted to have dinner with you, as opposed to next to you, we'd have invited you over. So, don't ruin our evening out with your meaningless babble. And have you ever looked at yourself? Is there anything ruder than ignoring the dinner company at your table to talk to someone who didn't even show up? And if you're alone, maybe you should ask yourself why.
5. See that four year-old desperately trying to get your attention, the one pulling on your arm and yelling, "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!" He's wondering why your %&@*ing cell phone is more important than his getting to a bathroom before he wets himself. So, when you are with your kids, pay attention to them, not your friend Jackie whose telling you about the Pilates class she's in right now.
6. You are not as good a driver as you think you are, and being on the phone isn't making you any better. This really is a no-brainer that few people seem to get. Really, believe CJG, it can wait until you aren't behind the wheel of a three-ton mass of metal traveling 70 mph down a busy highway.

Tower of Babel

I'm in Starbucks. Who isn't?

crankyjewishguy (CJG) spends an inordinate amount of time (and money) in Starbucks, but he hates his local Starbucks because it's very crowded and noisy. But he keeps going back because it's close to home. At Starbucks, CJG observes that 99% of the population is self-absorbed and completely oblivious. Here is a bunch of pictures of people in Starbucks.

"Hold on. The asshole at the cash register
 is interrupting me to take my order."

"Hey, I finally got laid last night!"

"My gastroenterologist says I have three
polyps on my colon, can you believe that?"

Waiting for upgrade (or Godot).

This is more like it.

"A black man is president? That's rich!"

"I'm in Starbucks. Where are you?"

"Am I the world's biggest schmuck, or what?"

"The dorks behind me are telling me to shut the fuck up.

What's their problem?"

What a powerful and important man.

CJG has written to Starbucks about eight thousand times suggesting that if they want to move a notch above McDonald's they should encourage customers to keep cell phone conversations private, preferably by taking them outside. (CJG always mentions he is a major Starbucks stockholder. He thinks he owns at least five shares.) Of course, Starbucks never does anything except send him coupons for free drinks with a preprinted card that says they hope his next visit is better. (For your free coupon, send a complaint of any kind to Starbucks by clicking here.) CJG thinks one problem is that the Starbucks logo sends the completely wrong message: the mermaid appears to be holding two cell phones, one in each flipper.