It's For You. God Calling.

Today's topic, as it often is, is God's ironic sense of humor. Readers of crankyjewishguy (CJG) will recall that a few days ago he wrote about Josh Hamilton of the Texas Rangers who told reporters after Game 6 of the World Series that God told him he would hit a home run in the top of the tenth inning to give Texas the lead. CJG noted that what God neglected to tell Hamilton is that in the bottom of the eleventh he was going to have the Cardinals David Freese hit a walk off home run for the win, rendering Hamilton's homer an exercise in futility.

A young Josh Hamilton with
 his hitting instructor.

Today's "God is ironic" news comes from Marshalltown, Iowa where, last night, Michelle Bachmann told an enraptured audience passing around poisonous snakes that God, presumably the same one that fixes baseball games, was "calling" her to run for President. Now, CJG admits that's a hard call not to answer. When the phone rings and it's God, you take the call. But, again, God's ironic side is very much in evidence here because what he apparently neglected to tell Ms. Bachmann is that he also created 300 million Americans more qualified than she is for the job, including many of her GOP opponents and the fourteen-year old Metal Head in your family room who has been playing Wizards and Warlocks on the flat screen TV twenty hours a day for last six years.

Whenever CJG hears people say "God told me..." or "God called me..." he wonders, in the first instance, how anyone could be so presumptuous to think God would take time from his busy schedule to call them directly when Twitter and Facebook are readily available, and, in the second instance, that this person needs to call Verizon and get a cell phone plan with more free minutes. Look, if God were really speaking or calling people directly, surely he would have called CJG by now and revealed the meaning of life or given him some winning lottery ticket numbers.

Anyway, God is telling CJG it's time to go pick up his son at school so he has to sign off now. Oh, never mind, that was Mrs. CJG, not the voice of God. They sure do sound alike though.

P.S. Breaking news on another subject CJG cares deeply about, Linday Lohan. It seems Lindsay is going back to jail, not even stopping at "GO," for violating the terms of her probation. Honestly, what is this woman's problem?

A Universe of GOP Rising Stars

He's baaaaaaack! Crankyjewishguy (CJG) took a long break from his blog to go to the bathroom (yes, it took five months, but that's CJG's business). Actually, one reason CJG has been away is that he was finishing a book he wrote with Mrs. CJG that comes out next month. The marriage survived and the book is destined for greatness. The other reason, is that CJG decided to run for president as a Republican and has been building his campaign staff in the all important primary state of North Dakota where, next month, CJG will debate Michelle Bachmann on the subject of whether she is mentally competent. That should take about five minutes.

The new cast of "The Biggest Loser"? No, it's the 2011 GOP  field.
Note the presence of the Pillsbury Doughboy, third from left.
Tim Pawlenty, second from right, was voted off the island and Rick Perry
took his place only to find the surrounding waters way over his head.

Speaking of Michelle Bachmann, CJG has, of course, been closely following the circus known as the GOP race for president in which the idea seems to be to see who can say the most ridiculously stupid shit in hopes of getting the nomination. Rick Santorum's platform seems to be two pronged: the family is sacred and no one should have sex except under very special circumstances most of which have something to do with creating Christian families. Newt Gingrich, who by his own admission is the brightest of the candidates, thus damning himself with faint praise, looked at the wreckage of the U.S. economy and decided someone should go to jail -- not the CEOs of AIG, Lehmann Brothers, Countrywide or anyone else who actually had a prominent role in destroying the economy. No, Newt said Barney Frank and former Senator Chris Dodd should go to jail. Rick Perry, whose main qualification for the job appears to be incredible posture, apparently didn't realize that looking the part and acting the part are two different skill sets. Asked why there are one million children in Texas without health insurance, he immediately launched a blistering attack on Mitt Romney for hiring a lawn care company that employed an illegal alien to cut his grass thus drawing a illuminating connection between the two issues CJG had never made before.

Well, fancy me! Rick Perry as "yell leader"
at Texas A & M during his salad days.
The dog was later executed.

Speaking of immigration, the GOP field is doing what politicians do whenever times are tough: looking for a scapegoat. And what better scapegoat than illegal immigrants! They have no money or power. Let's blame them! So, who is the toughest hombre in the lot on this issue? Michelle Bachmann showed she is doubly tough on illegals by proposing not one fence along the entire US-Mexico border, but a double fence! Nice try, Michelle, but she never saw Herman Cain's solution coming: an electrified fence that would kill anyone trying to get across the border looking for a job as a delivery man for Godfather's Pizza. Cain is the new Ross Perot: a successful businessman with a simple solution for every complex problem. Most memorably, of course, his 9-9-9 tax plan that would raise taxes dramatically on the poor and the middle class while cutting them for Mitt Romney so he can fulfill his role as a "job creator."  The more Herman's ideas get exposed as lunacy the higher he rises in the GOP firmament. Please: someone call 9-1-1. Then, of course, there's good ol' Mitt Romney trying to come across as the everyman as he quadruples the size of his beachfront home in La Jolla, California and tells audiences that "corporations are people, too." He does have a point in that Mitt is a walking, talking corporation who specialized in taking over companies at Bain Capital then squeezing them dry for the cash while firing thousands of employees. He talks a good game about "job creation" but his real expertise is in job destruction and hair care products. Unlike many of his GOP competitors, Mitt cannot plead the insanity defense, but has there been a politician in recent memory so devoid of any core convictions? Trust CJG, Mitt Romney the presidential candidate and the Mitt Romney who was governor of Massachusetts are not the same person. Either that or the man has a serious case of multiple personality disorder.

Given the high quality of the GOP debates, CJG is amazed that no has taken the obvious line of attack against Perry yet: that if you rearrange the letters in Texas you get Taxes. If that doesn't set the Republican base on fire nothing will. The next time Michelle Bachmann is asked what color the sky is, she should go right at Perry on this.

Despite this, shall we say, lackluster GOP field, President Obama is in big trouble because everything that is wrong in the country today is his fault. You can take down bin Laden and Quaddafi (or Kadaffi or Qadaffy or Hanukah or Chanukkah, whatever) without a single American casualty, end the ten year war in Iraq, and finally make sure everyone is this country has health insurance, but unless you can fill, in three years, the 8 million jobs hole Bush left behind you're toast. So, help is on the way. As soon as the GOP regains power and can continue its massive wealth redistribution program in which the top 1% will soon have everything, they'll start using all that excess cash to create jobs on the plantation for the rest of us. CJG, for one, hopes to land a job as a surf board waxer at Mitt's place in La Jolla.

Man of the people, Mitt Romney, waves from his hot
air balloon above the 3,000 square foot La Jolla home
he is tearing down to build a 12,000 square foot home
in its stead.

Where Have You Gone CJG?

If you're like crankyjewishguy (CJG), you've probably been wondering where he's been the past two weeks. Well, now that the statute of limitations has run he can tell you that he was on a privately funded mission to try and find Osama bin Laden in Tora Bora. Imagine CJG's surprise when he learned bin Laden had just escaped the region ten years ago.

CJG figured that by the time he got back his inbox would be overloaded with e-mail messages from people all over the world wondering what had happened to him, asking when he was going to blog again, and begging him to return to the keyboard. Instead, yesterday he had one e-mail from his brother in Boca Raton saying, "what happened to your blog." It's so nice to be missed.

The truth is CJG was finding it difficult to keep up with the demands of a daily blog even though he generally has nothing else to do. But in recent weeks, Mr. and Mrs. CJG have been on deadline for a book they are writing together, an effort to see if a marriage can stand the strain of living and working together. Check back with CJG in a few weeks. If you see him on J-Date it didn't work out so well.

So, what's been happening in the world during CJG's absence? So little changes. Donald Trump continues to ride the GOP Crazy Train, sending his own investigators to Hawaii to try and prove the president wasn't born there. Mitt Romney formed an exploratory committee to try and find out if he has any core convictions. Half Baked Alaska continues to try and master the English language with limited success. And the Boston Red Sox continue to be the worst team in baseball despite having the second highest payroll. Go Pirates!

In other news, the Catholic Church continued to cover itself in glory when a former Bishop in Belgium made light of accusations he abused his nephews by saying it was just a little game that involved "fondling" and that he was never naked. The extent of the Church's little abuse problem seems as limitless as its efforts to sweep the whole thing under the rug.

Air traffic controllers across the country are dozing off in droves and planes landing unassisted. Predictably, the controller's union says napping is necessary. Maybe, but not when you're the only guy on duty. I need to nap sometimes, too, but I make sure I'm not driving when I do. Scientists say naps make us more alert when we wake and CJG buys that, but when planes are landing with a controller asleep at the switch, that's not good.

So, dear readers, here's CJG's plan. He's not going to blog every day. He's going to blog whenever the spirit moves him, hopefully about once a week. If you want to know when a new blog post goes up, subscribe to the blog if you can figure out how. CJG can't help you there because he doesn't understand it himself. Or, just check in once in a while. As always, all CJG blog posts will be rigorously fact-checked by the staff of Congresswoman from Pluto, Michelle Bachmann, the dingbat who thought the battles of Lexington and Concord were fought in New Hampshire and that the founding fathers worked tirelessly to end slavery. CJG has to go now because the clueless guy sitting next to him at Starbucks is under the misimpression that he's in his own office and that we all like listening to him talk on the phone. Away two weeks in Tora Bora but CJG's pet peeves remain intact.

Trumped Again!

You know, crankyjewishguy (CJG) keeps trying to move on past dumping on Michelle Bachmann, Half Baked Alaska and Donald Trump, but they're the gift that just keeps giving.

In his latest ramble about Barack Obama's birth certificate, Trump trotted out his own and wondered why, if he could produce his in an hour, Obama wasn't producing his. This is Trump's birth certificate:

But there's a slight problem, as a New York City official pointed out. It has neither the raised seal, nor the signature of the Registrar of Births that an official New York City birth certificate would have. CJG thinks this counts as a major gaffe by Richie Rich. Now, CJG doesn't doubt Trump was born in New York, with both a silver spoon and his foot in his mouth; either that or he comes from another galaxy and is using that combover to conceal antennae. But he does think maybe it's time for him to shut-up about Obama's place of birth and stick to simply bragging about himself as usual. Seriously, can anyone imagine this guy running the country?

There She Goes Again

As a post-script to my last post, at an appearance before conservatives in Iowa yesterday, Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann,who has of late shown an appalling ignorance of basic facts about American history, took a shot at President Obama saying, the U.S is now "engaged in a third Middle East war. Talk about March Madness. Can anyone see Jimmy Carter?"

The first two Middle East wars she is apparently referring to are the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq started during the Bush Administration and which, thanks to careful planning and brilliant strategy, are now dragging into their second decade. But if you're a Republican congresswoman with no grip on reality, the first two also get put on Obama. She plays the same game on the economy: it's Obama's fault the economy hasn't created in two years the 8 million jobs lost under Bush who was president for eight. It matters not that the economy under Obama is creating jobs and hemorrhaged them under Bush. For Bachmann, there is no history before January 20, 2008.

Crankyjewishguy (CJG) really hopes Bachmann runs for president because the more she says, the more ridiculous she appears. But, CJG also knows that there isn't anything Bachmann could say, no matter how inane, ill-informed, or plain old dumb that would put a dent in her support among those who currently adore her, which says a lot about both her and those supporters. When you live in your own world where up is down and two plus two equals five, it simply doesn't matter what you say. There will always be those who think you're a math genius.

Do You Know Right from Left?

When the Tea Party folks take to the streets protesting, many with sidearms in full view, people like Sean Hannity and dingbat Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann hail them as ordinary Americans fed up with the status quo and exercising their rights as a free people. When millions of people in Egypt, Libya and Tunisia take to the streets they hold them up as people yearning for freedom. When policemen, firemen, teachers, nurses and other hard working Americans in Madison, Wisconsin gather at the state capitol to protest legislation that would remove the right of their unions to collective bargaining, Hannity, Bachmann, and their ilk demonize them as radical, left-wing crazies and slam their strong-arm tactics. These good Americans are the very same working class folks these Republicans claim to be fighting for. In the meantime, Rush Limbaugh, no stranger to obesity, has been lambasting Michelle Obama this week for eating a plate of ribs as she campaigns to reduce obesity in America. Does this asshole have nothing better to do? How low can he go? Crankyjewishguy (CJG) says, "f#*% him."

As you can see, this is a group of loyal, God-fearing Americans...

...and this is a group of drug-crazed commies trying to tear America down...

...and this is the biggest asshole in America.

American Idiot

One of the reasons we have Medicare and Medicaid in this country is that we believe, or at least we used to believe, that older Americans and the poor should have access to health care. It's expensive, but basic human decency would seem to require it. Now, there are two things that drive the costs of these programs sky high: smoking and obesity. They aren't the only two, but they account for a huge amount of illness in this country and the costs for treatment are sky high. Just one small example: in 2003 American taxpayers paid approximately $37 billion in health care costs related to obesity, and taxpayers also pay a large portion of the $100 billion in annual health care costs related to smoking. So, you would think that Michelle Obama's efforts to encourage healthier lifestyles and combat obesity would be something all Americans could rally around. And you would be wrong.

America the beautiful.

Congresswoman and presidential hopeful Michelle Bachmann of Minnesota, the leader of the fruitcake wing of the Republican Party, a faction that seems to be swallowing the rest of the party whole, has gone on the attack against the First Lady, accusing her of promoting a "nanny state." (To be fair, Bachmann also objects to the First Lady's efforts to promote breast feeding, but it seems to crankyjewishguy [CJG] that if you are breastfeeding you have less of an incentive for a nanny since you need to be around a lot. But there's another connection: studies show breastfed children are less likely to become obese.) Bachmann is also one of those calling for reducing government spending (other than defense, of course) to about $84 a year. But she is also a deep believer in the "sanctity of life," and is one of those Republican scaremongers who told us, falsely, that Obama's health care reform plan included government death panels that would cut lives short. You see, if you are an obese smoker on terminal life support, Bachmann and her ilk would do what they did during the Terri Schiavo fiasco: get Congress involved in one patient's care by passing legislation specific to that one patient that sought to prevent the poor woman's husband from letting her die peacefully after fifteen years on life support. Can you imagine what that cost? (Schiavo's illness was not related to smoking or obesity; CJG is just making a point.) Oh, and did CJG mention these are the people who want government out of our lives?

If Bachmann wants to cut spending, you'd think she'd be all in favor of programs that discourage smoking and obesity, even if the government spends money on them, because they are a heck of a lot cheaper than the costs of treating smokers and the obese. It seems a fair bargain to CJG that if we provide health care to the elderly and the poor because we believe in "life," then we should do what we can to reduce the costs by promoting healthy life styles. Isn't that a family value? But you could spend the rest of your life arguing with an ignoramus like Bachmann and all it's going to do is raise your blood pressure and increase the cost of your own medical care.

It used to be that the good works of First Ladies were uncontroversial: Lady Bird Johnson promoted the beautification of America's highways; Laura Bush promoted literacy (apparently she failed in Bachmann's case); and Betty Ford helped us understand drug and alcohol dependancy. But in their never-ending attempts to cast the Obamas as "foreign" and "other" and "socialists," even efforts to encourage public health and thus reduce health care costs borne by taxpayers are suspect to Bachmann and the far right. If Michelle Obama's cause was preservation of Mount Rushmore you can be sure Bachmann and her crowd would vote the funds needed to blow it up. In fact, CJG is surprised Bachmann hasn't changed her first name. He bets she just hates having the same first name as the First Lady who, by the way, has more class and more brains in her right pinky than a hundred Michelle Bachmanns.

If Michelle Obama's cause was preservation of Mt. Rushmore,
Republicans would vote the funds to blow it up.

Say It Ain't So, Yamamotoyama: Sumo Scandal Rocks the Sports World!

Crankyjewishguy (CJG) is deeply dismayed by the state of professional sports today. Until yesterday he thought Sumo wrestling was the last clean sport around and had become so wildly devoted to Sumo that he gained 300 pounds last year just so he could feel like a Sumo wrestler.

CJG likes riding bikes, or at least he did before his weight ballooned to 480 pounds, and he was mildly interested in professional bicycle racing. Then came one doping scandal after another which explains how hundreds of riders can average something like 25 mph over a two thousand mile course through France that includes inclines that are the equivalent of riding up the face of the Empire State Building. Then, of course, there's steroids in baseball and it's going to be very interesting when the newly retired Andy Pettitte takes the witness stand in July to testify against his former friend and teammate, the ever egotistical Roger Clemens, whose 98 mph fastball was higher than his IQ. So, having given up on cycling and baseball, CJG was sure Sumo wrestling would restore his faith in the integrity of professional athletes. After all, Sumo is more than a sport in Japan: it's an essential part of the country's cultural heritage and national identity, much the way professional wrestling is in America. Sumo dates to the time of the Ninjas; pro wrestling dates back to 1776. CJG knows this because Michelle Bachmann said so on her web site.

That's CJG behind the fellow with the pointy hat when he was invited
 to throw out the first ball at Opening Day of the 2010 Sumo season, making
CJG the first Jew to ever appear as an official part of a Sumo match.

The allegations in the Sumo scandal rocking Japan this week are that wrestlers fixed matches and bet on the outcome. Unlike other sports, such as curling and table tennis, where steroids and other performance enhancing drugs have tainted the competition, there are no accusations of drug abuse in Sumo, mainly because the substances used to enhance the performance of Sumo wrestlers are bacon, chicken fat, and Twinkie tempura.

So, what sport can we believe in? CJG submits it is American professional wrestling because (a) everyone knows the matches are fake, (b) there are no banned substances so everyone has an equal shot at stardom, and (c) you can't make up names like Hulk Hogan, The Rock, and Rowdy Roddy Piper. It's illegal.

You can't fake this because it is fake,
which means it's sport you can believe in.

News of Yesterday in Review

Yesterday, as he waited for his flight to leave sunny Florida and return to the frozen misery of New England, crankyjewishguy (CJG) was perusing the headlines and noted a few that fall into the category of either utterly predictable or mildly bemusing.

For example, "Rumsfeld Defends Handling of Iraq War in New Book." Now there's a whopping surprise. CJG supposes it was too much to hope for a headline that said, "Rumsfeld Takes Blame for Biggest Blunder in American History."

Then there was, "Health Care Repeal Vote Fails in Senate." After promising to focus like a laser on job creation, Republicans in Congress have made it a top priority to force symbolic votes on health care reform they know are going nowhere because Democrats control the Senate and The White House. CJG supposes it was expecting too much to see a headline that said, "Comprehending Reality, GOP Decides to Focus on Actually Accomplishing Something."

Speaking of the Republicans, another headline proclaimed, "GOP Uses Simple Strategy to Deal With Michelle Bachmann." Basically, said the story, the Republican Party is ignoring the Minnesota congresswoman, who is a Republican, and hoping she doesn't make the party look like a bunch of ill-informed right wing whackos. Way too late! That train left the station months ago.

Another headline that caught CJG's eye was, "Asia Welcomes Year of the Rabbit." Well, of course. Why wouldn't they? Especially when you consider this other headline from yesterday's news: "Singapore Prime Minister: Reproduce in Year of the Rabbit." Sounds like this is the year to make that long delayed visit to Singapore! CJG also applauds efforts to grow his fan base in Singapore which, as readers know, is already quite formidable.

Then there was this: "Growing Concern for Charlie Sheen's Kids." CJG can't say he was aware of a national outpouring of concern for Charlie Sheen's kids, or even a local one, and so far Michelle Bachmann hasn't tried to make it a national issue, though she's probably just waiting for the right moment. Of course the story, which you might think would have been about the emotional trauma of having a father who is in rehab for the umpteenth time, focused instead on the fact that though Sheen writes checks for $30,000 to porn stars, he hasn't, according to the kids' mother, set aside money for the children: no trust funds, no college funds. Money would seem to be the least of their problems, don't you think?

And finally, there was the day's most ironic headline: "Mubarak: Chaos If I Quit Now." Look out the palace window, dude! What do you call this?

Charlie Sheen Enters Rehab: This is a Story?

Crankyjewishguy (CJG) is sorry to report that actor Charlie Sheen has entered rehab...again. Let's all hope the 87th time is the charm because if he isn't careful he's likely to end up all over the tabloids. To help readers grasp this breaking story, MSNBC.com had a very helpful timeline of Charlie's rap sheet that went on for about the web equivalent of about two miles starting with the time he "accidentally" shot the first of his 23 fiancees in 1990, through his testimony at the trial of Hollywood Madam Heidi Fleiss, with whom he ran up a $50,000 bill and who, CJG is proud to say, is Jewish, to his arrest for beating up his porn star girlfriend, Brittany Ashland, in 1996, to his arrest on domestic violence charges in 2009 to his historic Las Vegas bender with a hooker earlier this month. The good news is that at least fame and money haven't changed him over the years.

Heidi Fleiss, prominent Jewish entrepreneur.

But, you know, anyone's life can sound like a train wreck when you line up small, isolated instances together like that, so MSNBC.com's timeline is really unfair. Take CJG's life, for example. There was the time in 1968 when CJG's little brother broke his hand on CJG's head during a fight over a television show, the argument with his parents over getting a haircut in 1969, the break-up with a girlfriend in 1972 that left bruised feelings all around, the parking ticket in 1979, the minor fender bender in the supermarket parking lot in 1985, and the big argument with his wife a week ago over which brand of marinara sauce is "the usual" one they buy. Fortunately, no one was seriously hurt during that last incident. When you put them side by side CJG's life doesn't sound so much different than Charlie Sheen's, does it?

But here's the big difference: Charlie Sheen could go on beating up and betraying wives, girlfriends, and prostitutes, abusing alcohol and cocaine, and tearing up hotel rooms and, even though CJG is much better looking than Charlie Sheen and almost as famous, there will always be another gorgeous woman waiting to go out with Charlie Sheen because, unlike CJG, he makes two million bucks a week and, as American history expert Michelle Bachmann can attest, his father was president of the United States. Hardly seems fair does it?

President Josiah Bartlet.

WTF? Ignorance Officially Replaces Hope as One of the Seven Virtues

As you may have heard, Half Baked Alaska, responding to President Obama's State of the Union speech, rewrote history by asserting that the launch of the Sputnik satellite by the Soviet Union in 1957 led to the dissolution of the USSR more than 30 years later. You have to love the confidence she shows when she utters her inanities as if, duh, everyone knows that. She also said the U.S. "lost" the space race, apparently unaware that the U.S. dominated the space race through the 1960s and reached the moon first. She then criticized the president for trying to "aspire" Americans by saying this was our Sputnik moment. She called it another "WTF" moment in Obama's speech which, as you may know, means "white trash female."

Did you know that the launch of Sputnik in 1957 led to the demise of the
Soviet Union more than thirty years later? Neither did CJG.

But Half Baked Alaska's utterly ignorant remarks almost pale next to congresswoman and Tea Party diva Michele Bachmann's claim that the Founding Fathers, "the ones who wrote those very documents" worked "tirelessly" to end slavery. As most high school students know, not only did Jefferson and Washington own slaves, slavery was the great unfinished business of the American Revolution and the issue festered until it led directly to the Civil War nearly a century later. She is also apparently unaware of the compromise enshrined in Article 1, Section 2 of the United States Constitution that for the purposes of counting the American population to apportion taxation and members of the House of Representatives, slaves were counted as three-fifths of a person which helped states with large slave populations remain slave states.

Don't know the answer? Look it up.

This is the stuff that makes crankyjewishguy's (CJG's) blood pressure go through the roof. No one waves the Constitution around more, or claims to be more patriotic than thou, than these two half-wits, yet for the purposes of enumerating the population we count each of them as a whole person. CJG thinks that perhaps members of Congress, and those aspiring (note correct usage of the word "aspire") to the presidency, should be given a basic test in Constitutional literacy and American history. CJG is hard pressed to recall a time when abject ignorance was the political virtue it is now. WTF indeed.