It's For You. God Calling.

Today's topic, as it often is, is God's ironic sense of humor. Readers of crankyjewishguy (CJG) will recall that a few days ago he wrote about Josh Hamilton of the Texas Rangers who told reporters after Game 6 of the World Series that God told him he would hit a home run in the top of the tenth inning to give Texas the lead. CJG noted that what God neglected to tell Hamilton is that in the bottom of the eleventh he was going to have the Cardinals David Freese hit a walk off home run for the win, rendering Hamilton's homer an exercise in futility.

A young Josh Hamilton with
 his hitting instructor.

Today's "God is ironic" news comes from Marshalltown, Iowa where, last night, Michelle Bachmann told an enraptured audience passing around poisonous snakes that God, presumably the same one that fixes baseball games, was "calling" her to run for President. Now, CJG admits that's a hard call not to answer. When the phone rings and it's God, you take the call. But, again, God's ironic side is very much in evidence here because what he apparently neglected to tell Ms. Bachmann is that he also created 300 million Americans more qualified than she is for the job, including many of her GOP opponents and the fourteen-year old Metal Head in your family room who has been playing Wizards and Warlocks on the flat screen TV twenty hours a day for last six years.

Whenever CJG hears people say "God told me..." or "God called me..." he wonders, in the first instance, how anyone could be so presumptuous to think God would take time from his busy schedule to call them directly when Twitter and Facebook are readily available, and, in the second instance, that this person needs to call Verizon and get a cell phone plan with more free minutes. Look, if God were really speaking or calling people directly, surely he would have called CJG by now and revealed the meaning of life or given him some winning lottery ticket numbers.

Anyway, God is telling CJG it's time to go pick up his son at school so he has to sign off now. Oh, never mind, that was Mrs. CJG, not the voice of God. They sure do sound alike though.

P.S. Breaking news on another subject CJG cares deeply about, Linday Lohan. It seems Lindsay is going back to jail, not even stopping at "GO," for violating the terms of her probation. Honestly, what is this woman's problem?

Bad Lindsay, Good Lindsay

If there's one person crankyjewishguy (CJG) hasn't heard enough about lately, it's Lindsay Lohan. CJG isn't even sure why she's famous. Is she a tennis player or something? No, that was Amy Winehouse. Anyway, CJG does know she's been in and out of jail, that she takes a lot of medicine, and is often late for stuff. Like the other day she was supposed to do some court-ordered community service at a morgue and she was sent away because she showed up late. CJG doesn't know what she was supposed to do at the morgue, but he thinks it's safe to say that not too many people in the morgue are in a big hurry to do anything so being late doesn't sound like a huge problem. To make up for her tardiness, she showed up the next day with a box of donuts. Well, one published report said donuts, another said cupcakes (why can't the media get this story straight!) and in any event the assistant coroner deemed Lohan's efforts to lift the spirits, so to speak, of her charges, inappropriate. He's right, of course. It was incredibly insensitive since most of the residents probably died of obesity and other diet-related ailments. Talk about rubbing salt in the wounds (or sugar in the arteries). Sometimes CJG suspects Lindsay Lohan thinks she deserves special treatment just because she's a celebrity.

Hey everybody, Lindsay brought donuts!

If you've been watching the new Lindsay Lohan 24-hour pay-per-view channel, you probably already know that Lindsay has agreed to pose for Playboy for a million dollars (note to the GOP: don't even think about raising this "job creator's" taxes) and her father was arrested yesterday in Florida on domestic violence charges. What a family of attention seekers! Believe CJG, if they wanted anonymity they'd be bloggers.

Lindsay Lohan in familiar surroundings. When she
isn't in rehab she's in court.

P.S. The woman sitting next to CJG at Starbucks today keeps lifting her empty coffee cup and banging it on the table as she talks. If CJG had her cell phone number he'd call her and tell her to stop.

Surely You Jest!

A few headlines caught crankyjewishguy's (CJG) eye yesterday and he thought he'd share them with you.

First, this: "Charlie Sheen Offers Some Advice to Lindsay Lohan." OMG! Can you imagine how bad things would have to be in your life to be getting advice from Charlie Sheen? This is like asking Mel Gibson for tips on reaching out to the Jewish community, or John Edwards for marital advice. Heaven help Lindsay Lohan.

Then there was, "Horse Visits Starbucks Drive-Thru." What the headline failed to note was that there was a rider on that 'thar horse; it didn't just wander in there by itself. The horse, no doubt, used the occasion to carry on a loud cell phone conversation. Oh, and this didn't happen in Manhattan or L.A. It was in Plano, Texas, of course.

"Egypt Leaders Found 'Off' Switch for Internet," said yesterday's New York Times about the five days during the recent uprising that the Egyptian government managed to shut down the entire Internet in that country. CJG never knew the Internet had an on-off switch. Where do you suppose they keep it? In Al Gore's house? Under Kim Il Jong's bouffant? And besides the Egyptians, who else knows where it is?

Believe it or not, this little switch
controls the entire Internet. But where is it?

CJG loved this one from a local web site: "Temperature Could Rise to 60 on Friday." Now, CJG knows that means nothing to many of you, but trust him, this is the best news in a long time because the winter snows that have piled up around here have remained frozen in place for weeks and are so high that everyone in these parts feels like a rat trapped in a maze...and there's no pulling up to the Starbuck's Drive-Thru on a horse drawn sleigh. Oh, then again, maybe there is.

Overhead view of CJG's neighborhood from space.
If you look closely you'll find the on-off switch for the Internet.