Ask Crankyjewishguy Vol.7: March Madness Explained

For reasons that elude crankyjewishguy (CJG) he seems to have as many readers outside the United States as inside, and since many of his posts are about U.S. politics and other topics that would seem to be of little interest to people in, say, Lithuania or United Arab Emirates, it's doubly puzzling. (Does anyone in those two countries even know who Charlie Sheen is?) So, CJG was bemused to find this letter in his mailbag from Sayid in Morocco:

Dear CJG,
I keep hearing that America has a month-long holiday called March Madness. Can you please tell me what is this March Madness and why it is such an important American holiday?
Sayid in Morocco

Dear Sayid,
Most Americans believe in two deities: one is the almighty dollar and the other is called college basketball, or sometimes college hoops. And even though college basketball is ostensibly played by college students, it is BIG BUSINESS in my country. Every March more than 60 college basketball teams are chosen to play in a tournament to determine who really has the right to shout "we're number one" for the next twelve months. In the weeks leading up the decisions by a committee about who will get to play in the tournament, Americans will spend billions of hours that could be better spent rebuilding our crumbling infrastructure or helping our fellow citizens in need arguing, discussing and predicting which college teams deserve to go to this annual ritual which we also call "The Big Dance" even though it's not a dance the way you might think of a dance in that no one actually dances. And highly paid "analysts," also called "bracketologists" for reasons that would take CJG another hour to explain, will dissect the strengths and weaknesses of the arguments for and against each team considered to be "on the bubble," which means maybe they will go to the dance and maybe they won't, unlike other teams that are considered "a lock," or who, by virtue of winning their conference championship get what is called "an automatic bid." Sayid, are you with me so far? Because after this CJG is going to explain baseball to you. Anyway, the point is that a huge number of Americans will be consumed by March Madness for the next four weeks all culminating in one final game, the outcome of which will have no discernible impact on the future of the planet. If all of this is too confusing, just refer to the chart below and everything will be perfectly clear.

From the Profound Irony Department

In what has to be one of the worst P.R. debacles of all time, two days ago the 575-pound spokesman for a Phoenix-area restaurant called the "Heart Attack Grill" died at the age of 29. Word is they are negotiating for the services of a new spokesman, Charlie Sheen, and plan to rename the restaurant the "Crack Attack Grill." Crankyjewishguy (CJG) wishes them well in their new endeavor.

Blair River, former spokesman for the Heart Attack Grill. Remarkably,
 he didn't die of a heart attack, but from pneumonia.

Surely You Jest!

A few headlines caught crankyjewishguy's (CJG) eye yesterday and he thought he'd share them with you.

First, this: "Charlie Sheen Offers Some Advice to Lindsay Lohan." OMG! Can you imagine how bad things would have to be in your life to be getting advice from Charlie Sheen? This is like asking Mel Gibson for tips on reaching out to the Jewish community, or John Edwards for marital advice. Heaven help Lindsay Lohan.

Then there was, "Horse Visits Starbucks Drive-Thru." What the headline failed to note was that there was a rider on that 'thar horse; it didn't just wander in there by itself. The horse, no doubt, used the occasion to carry on a loud cell phone conversation. Oh, and this didn't happen in Manhattan or L.A. It was in Plano, Texas, of course.

"Egypt Leaders Found 'Off' Switch for Internet," said yesterday's New York Times about the five days during the recent uprising that the Egyptian government managed to shut down the entire Internet in that country. CJG never knew the Internet had an on-off switch. Where do you suppose they keep it? In Al Gore's house? Under Kim Il Jong's bouffant? And besides the Egyptians, who else knows where it is?

Believe it or not, this little switch
controls the entire Internet. But where is it?

CJG loved this one from a local web site: "Temperature Could Rise to 60 on Friday." Now, CJG knows that means nothing to many of you, but trust him, this is the best news in a long time because the winter snows that have piled up around here have remained frozen in place for weeks and are so high that everyone in these parts feels like a rat trapped in a maze...and there's no pulling up to the Starbuck's Drive-Thru on a horse drawn sleigh. Oh, then again, maybe there is.

Overhead view of CJG's neighborhood from space.
If you look closely you'll find the on-off switch for the Internet.

News of Yesterday in Review

Yesterday, as he waited for his flight to leave sunny Florida and return to the frozen misery of New England, crankyjewishguy (CJG) was perusing the headlines and noted a few that fall into the category of either utterly predictable or mildly bemusing.

For example, "Rumsfeld Defends Handling of Iraq War in New Book." Now there's a whopping surprise. CJG supposes it was too much to hope for a headline that said, "Rumsfeld Takes Blame for Biggest Blunder in American History."

Then there was, "Health Care Repeal Vote Fails in Senate." After promising to focus like a laser on job creation, Republicans in Congress have made it a top priority to force symbolic votes on health care reform they know are going nowhere because Democrats control the Senate and The White House. CJG supposes it was expecting too much to see a headline that said, "Comprehending Reality, GOP Decides to Focus on Actually Accomplishing Something."

Speaking of the Republicans, another headline proclaimed, "GOP Uses Simple Strategy to Deal With Michelle Bachmann." Basically, said the story, the Republican Party is ignoring the Minnesota congresswoman, who is a Republican, and hoping she doesn't make the party look like a bunch of ill-informed right wing whackos. Way too late! That train left the station months ago.

Another headline that caught CJG's eye was, "Asia Welcomes Year of the Rabbit." Well, of course. Why wouldn't they? Especially when you consider this other headline from yesterday's news: "Singapore Prime Minister: Reproduce in Year of the Rabbit." Sounds like this is the year to make that long delayed visit to Singapore! CJG also applauds efforts to grow his fan base in Singapore which, as readers know, is already quite formidable.

Then there was this: "Growing Concern for Charlie Sheen's Kids." CJG can't say he was aware of a national outpouring of concern for Charlie Sheen's kids, or even a local one, and so far Michelle Bachmann hasn't tried to make it a national issue, though she's probably just waiting for the right moment. Of course the story, which you might think would have been about the emotional trauma of having a father who is in rehab for the umpteenth time, focused instead on the fact that though Sheen writes checks for $30,000 to porn stars, he hasn't, according to the kids' mother, set aside money for the children: no trust funds, no college funds. Money would seem to be the least of their problems, don't you think?

And finally, there was the day's most ironic headline: "Mubarak: Chaos If I Quit Now." Look out the palace window, dude! What do you call this?

Charlie Sheen Enters Rehab: This is a Story?

Crankyjewishguy (CJG) is sorry to report that actor Charlie Sheen has entered rehab...again. Let's all hope the 87th time is the charm because if he isn't careful he's likely to end up all over the tabloids. To help readers grasp this breaking story, MSNBC.com had a very helpful timeline of Charlie's rap sheet that went on for about the web equivalent of about two miles starting with the time he "accidentally" shot the first of his 23 fiancees in 1990, through his testimony at the trial of Hollywood Madam Heidi Fleiss, with whom he ran up a $50,000 bill and who, CJG is proud to say, is Jewish, to his arrest for beating up his porn star girlfriend, Brittany Ashland, in 1996, to his arrest on domestic violence charges in 2009 to his historic Las Vegas bender with a hooker earlier this month. The good news is that at least fame and money haven't changed him over the years.

Heidi Fleiss, prominent Jewish entrepreneur.

But, you know, anyone's life can sound like a train wreck when you line up small, isolated instances together like that, so MSNBC.com's timeline is really unfair. Take CJG's life, for example. There was the time in 1968 when CJG's little brother broke his hand on CJG's head during a fight over a television show, the argument with his parents over getting a haircut in 1969, the break-up with a girlfriend in 1972 that left bruised feelings all around, the parking ticket in 1979, the minor fender bender in the supermarket parking lot in 1985, and the big argument with his wife a week ago over which brand of marinara sauce is "the usual" one they buy. Fortunately, no one was seriously hurt during that last incident. When you put them side by side CJG's life doesn't sound so much different than Charlie Sheen's, does it?

But here's the big difference: Charlie Sheen could go on beating up and betraying wives, girlfriends, and prostitutes, abusing alcohol and cocaine, and tearing up hotel rooms and, even though CJG is much better looking than Charlie Sheen and almost as famous, there will always be another gorgeous woman waiting to go out with Charlie Sheen because, unlike CJG, he makes two million bucks a week and, as American history expert Michelle Bachmann can attest, his father was president of the United States. Hardly seems fair does it?

President Josiah Bartlet.