Ask Crankyjewishguy Vol.7: March Madness Explained

For reasons that elude crankyjewishguy (CJG) he seems to have as many readers outside the United States as inside, and since many of his posts are about U.S. politics and other topics that would seem to be of little interest to people in, say, Lithuania or United Arab Emirates, it's doubly puzzling. (Does anyone in those two countries even know who Charlie Sheen is?) So, CJG was bemused to find this letter in his mailbag from Sayid in Morocco:

Dear CJG,
I keep hearing that America has a month-long holiday called March Madness. Can you please tell me what is this March Madness and why it is such an important American holiday?
Sayid in Morocco

Dear Sayid,
Most Americans believe in two deities: one is the almighty dollar and the other is called college basketball, or sometimes college hoops. And even though college basketball is ostensibly played by college students, it is BIG BUSINESS in my country. Every March more than 60 college basketball teams are chosen to play in a tournament to determine who really has the right to shout "we're number one" for the next twelve months. In the weeks leading up the decisions by a committee about who will get to play in the tournament, Americans will spend billions of hours that could be better spent rebuilding our crumbling infrastructure or helping our fellow citizens in need arguing, discussing and predicting which college teams deserve to go to this annual ritual which we also call "The Big Dance" even though it's not a dance the way you might think of a dance in that no one actually dances. And highly paid "analysts," also called "bracketologists" for reasons that would take CJG another hour to explain, will dissect the strengths and weaknesses of the arguments for and against each team considered to be "on the bubble," which means maybe they will go to the dance and maybe they won't, unlike other teams that are considered "a lock," or who, by virtue of winning their conference championship get what is called "an automatic bid." Sayid, are you with me so far? Because after this CJG is going to explain baseball to you. Anyway, the point is that a huge number of Americans will be consumed by March Madness for the next four weeks all culminating in one final game, the outcome of which will have no discernible impact on the future of the planet. If all of this is too confusing, just refer to the chart below and everything will be perfectly clear.