Beware the Return of The Blob

Maybe you’ve heard enough about global warming already, but there’s one thing you probably haven’t heard: the massive hurricanes, inundated coastal cities, severe drought, epidemics and disruptions to the food supply that will result may be the least of our worries. Something else more ominous lurks out there. But, we’ll come to that in a moment.

With global temperatures at an all time high and huge ice shelves breaking free in the Arctic, CJG started to wonder: who was it, exactly, that first sounded the alarm on global warming? CJG’s exhaustive research revealed something surprising. It wasn’t Al Gore, the Sierra Club, or Rachel Carson. It was Steve McQueen. In 1958. That was the year the 28-year-old McQueen made his film debut as a teenager named, well...Steve, in the classic horror film, “The Blob.” Everything about it was horrifying, from the screenplay to the acting.

Steve McQueen: the canary in the
 coal mine on global warming.

The Blob, as you may recall, arrived from outer space in some kind of ball and began consuming humans at an alarming rate, getting bigger and bigger, but apparently no more satisfied, as it oozed around a small American town. Unfortunately, the Blob didn’t have the good sense to land in Washington, D.C. The Blob, which resembled a particularly extravagant Jell-O mold CJG’s mother made in 1964, threatens the town until Steve, in a moment of desperation – he’s trapped in the basement of a diner  – sprays the thing with a fire extinguisher. The Blob, or at least part of it, recoils. Steve then remembers that the Blob failed to follow him into the meat freezer in his father’s grocery store just five minutes earlier. At that moment it dawns on Steve that it’s the cold from the CO2 in the fire extinguisher that is the Blob’s Achilles heel, since it has heretofore been immune to bullets, a jolt of electricity, and a poor script. (This is rather odd for a creature that came from somewhere near Pluto where daytime temperatures top out around 380 degrees F. below zero, but never mind.)

Fortunately, the cops have patched a line through to the diner, and Steve tells them to get every fire extinguisher in town. Then they hose the thing into submission. With a single call, Police Sgt. Dave from Podunk is able to persuade the United States Air Force to fly the Blob to the Arctic and drop it there. Government sure was efficient then. Imagine giving FEMA the same job today. The Blob would still be in a trailer on the Gulf Coast.

Anyway, in a prescient moment at the end, McQueen declares the Earth to be safe from the Blob as long as the Arctic stays cold, which, in 1958, was taken to mean forever, and everyone laughs a self-assured laugh, sure they will never have to worry about The Blob again. This sentiment was surely reassuring to millions of people who thought they might die any minute in a Soviet nuclear attack. Today, of course, a Soviet nuclear strike seems about as likely as the Arctic melting did in 1958. Forget hurricanes, drought, and drowning cities. Now CJG is worried about the return of the Blob. Someone should alert the president.

Surely You Jest!

A few headlines caught crankyjewishguy's (CJG) eye yesterday and he thought he'd share them with you.

First, this: "Charlie Sheen Offers Some Advice to Lindsay Lohan." OMG! Can you imagine how bad things would have to be in your life to be getting advice from Charlie Sheen? This is like asking Mel Gibson for tips on reaching out to the Jewish community, or John Edwards for marital advice. Heaven help Lindsay Lohan.

Then there was, "Horse Visits Starbucks Drive-Thru." What the headline failed to note was that there was a rider on that 'thar horse; it didn't just wander in there by itself. The horse, no doubt, used the occasion to carry on a loud cell phone conversation. Oh, and this didn't happen in Manhattan or L.A. It was in Plano, Texas, of course.

"Egypt Leaders Found 'Off' Switch for Internet," said yesterday's New York Times about the five days during the recent uprising that the Egyptian government managed to shut down the entire Internet in that country. CJG never knew the Internet had an on-off switch. Where do you suppose they keep it? In Al Gore's house? Under Kim Il Jong's bouffant? And besides the Egyptians, who else knows where it is?

Believe it or not, this little switch
controls the entire Internet. But where is it?

CJG loved this one from a local web site: "Temperature Could Rise to 60 on Friday." Now, CJG knows that means nothing to many of you, but trust him, this is the best news in a long time because the winter snows that have piled up around here have remained frozen in place for weeks and are so high that everyone in these parts feels like a rat trapped in a maze...and there's no pulling up to the Starbuck's Drive-Thru on a horse drawn sleigh. Oh, then again, maybe there is.

Overhead view of CJG's neighborhood from space.
If you look closely you'll find the on-off switch for the Internet.

Ask Crankyjewishguy Vol.4: Global Warming a Hoax?

As readers of this blog know, crankyjewishguy (CJG) occasionally answers letters from readers. Today's letter comes from Gene in New Jersey who writes:

Dear CJG,
Now that I have chipped four inches of ice from my front walk, shoveled two more feet of snow, stayed home with my kids for the fifth snow day in two weeks, and am now waiting for the ice dams in my gutters to force melting snow to leak into my house I have two choice words for Al Gore and his global warming crap. Isn't it obvious by now that global warming is a left wing conspiracy dreamed up to prevent Americans from consuming their fair share of the Earth's resources?
Gene in New Jersey

Dear Gene,
You are a moron. CJG is embarrassed that you hail from his home state, but not surprised. Two-thousand-ten was the warmest year on record since scientists starting keeping track of such things. Did you write to CJG when you were sweating from your eyeballs last summer in the sweltering heat? Extreme weather, including colder, snowier winters in some places as a result of overall global warming has been predicted by climate scientists. And here's two more things that might surprise you: the Earth is round and, by virtue of being an American, you consumed your fair share of the planet's resources by the time you were four. Trade in your Hummer for a Prius and don't write to CJG again.

In 1914, the Endurance was locked in, and then crushed by,
Antarctic ice. Sir Ernest Shackleton and his crew spent eighteen miserable months
 before reaching land and rescue. None died and none complained as much as
Gene from New Jersey who probably has his heat cranked up to 80.