Caution: Moron at Work!

If you follow the Rick Perry campaign as closely as crankyjewishguy (CJG) -- and who can resist watching a man implode on the national stage -- you know that he recently touted his new tax plan which will, he claims, greatly simplify the tax code, much like a Perry presidency would greatly simplify the presidency. To prove it he held up a postcard that had his entire tax plan on it. CJG isn't so sure this sent the message Perry was hoping for because it suggests that everything he knows about the subject can fit in a 3x5 inch space. CJG suspects that Rick Perry could probably fit a lot of what he knows about a lot of things on a postcard. What's next, a tweet that lays out the Perry Doctrine on war and peace? A text message detailing Perry's foreign policy? A postcard? So yesterday.

Rick Perry touting his new tax plan, simple
enough to fit on a postcard. Next week? A tweet
outlining the Perry Doctrine on war and peace.

Perry, of course, was simply trying to steal some of the attention that Herman Cain got for his 9-9-9 tax plan. So Perry came up with the 20% flat tax. But CJG thinks even these plans are far too complex for a country a simple as the US of A. To be really fair, everyone should simply pay the same amount. CJG thinks that $29.95 sounds about right.

Now, what Perry lacks in intelligence, debate skills, and knowledge of the world outside of Paint Creek, Texas, he makes up for in self-confidence. Yesterday, as you may have seen, he sought to reassure GOP voters that he could "handle" President Obama in a debate. Now, given that he had trouble stringing, if that's the proper word, a single coherent sentence together during multiple debates with his fellow Republicans, and given that President Obama, whatever his flaws, is endowed with the gift of eloquence, on what rational basis can Perry boast that he can "handle" Obama in a debate? This is the same guy who says he doubts climate change is real despite a mountain of evidence to the contrary, so CJG thinks Rick Perry has a slight problem when it comes to weighing empirical evidence.

And speaking of empirical evidence, if you need any proof that outside of any Rick Perry campaign event there ought to be a sign that says "Moron at Work," watch this video of a Perry campaign speech in New Hampshire. OMFG!

A Universe of GOP Rising Stars

He's baaaaaaack! Crankyjewishguy (CJG) took a long break from his blog to go to the bathroom (yes, it took five months, but that's CJG's business). Actually, one reason CJG has been away is that he was finishing a book he wrote with Mrs. CJG that comes out next month. The marriage survived and the book is destined for greatness. The other reason, is that CJG decided to run for president as a Republican and has been building his campaign staff in the all important primary state of North Dakota where, next month, CJG will debate Michelle Bachmann on the subject of whether she is mentally competent. That should take about five minutes.

The new cast of "The Biggest Loser"? No, it's the 2011 GOP  field.
Note the presence of the Pillsbury Doughboy, third from left.
Tim Pawlenty, second from right, was voted off the island and Rick Perry
took his place only to find the surrounding waters way over his head.

Speaking of Michelle Bachmann, CJG has, of course, been closely following the circus known as the GOP race for president in which the idea seems to be to see who can say the most ridiculously stupid shit in hopes of getting the nomination. Rick Santorum's platform seems to be two pronged: the family is sacred and no one should have sex except under very special circumstances most of which have something to do with creating Christian families. Newt Gingrich, who by his own admission is the brightest of the candidates, thus damning himself with faint praise, looked at the wreckage of the U.S. economy and decided someone should go to jail -- not the CEOs of AIG, Lehmann Brothers, Countrywide or anyone else who actually had a prominent role in destroying the economy. No, Newt said Barney Frank and former Senator Chris Dodd should go to jail. Rick Perry, whose main qualification for the job appears to be incredible posture, apparently didn't realize that looking the part and acting the part are two different skill sets. Asked why there are one million children in Texas without health insurance, he immediately launched a blistering attack on Mitt Romney for hiring a lawn care company that employed an illegal alien to cut his grass thus drawing a illuminating connection between the two issues CJG had never made before.

Well, fancy me! Rick Perry as "yell leader"
at Texas A & M during his salad days.
The dog was later executed.

Speaking of immigration, the GOP field is doing what politicians do whenever times are tough: looking for a scapegoat. And what better scapegoat than illegal immigrants! They have no money or power. Let's blame them! So, who is the toughest hombre in the lot on this issue? Michelle Bachmann showed she is doubly tough on illegals by proposing not one fence along the entire US-Mexico border, but a double fence! Nice try, Michelle, but she never saw Herman Cain's solution coming: an electrified fence that would kill anyone trying to get across the border looking for a job as a delivery man for Godfather's Pizza. Cain is the new Ross Perot: a successful businessman with a simple solution for every complex problem. Most memorably, of course, his 9-9-9 tax plan that would raise taxes dramatically on the poor and the middle class while cutting them for Mitt Romney so he can fulfill his role as a "job creator."  The more Herman's ideas get exposed as lunacy the higher he rises in the GOP firmament. Please: someone call 9-1-1. Then, of course, there's good ol' Mitt Romney trying to come across as the everyman as he quadruples the size of his beachfront home in La Jolla, California and tells audiences that "corporations are people, too." He does have a point in that Mitt is a walking, talking corporation who specialized in taking over companies at Bain Capital then squeezing them dry for the cash while firing thousands of employees. He talks a good game about "job creation" but his real expertise is in job destruction and hair care products. Unlike many of his GOP competitors, Mitt cannot plead the insanity defense, but has there been a politician in recent memory so devoid of any core convictions? Trust CJG, Mitt Romney the presidential candidate and the Mitt Romney who was governor of Massachusetts are not the same person. Either that or the man has a serious case of multiple personality disorder.

Given the high quality of the GOP debates, CJG is amazed that no has taken the obvious line of attack against Perry yet: that if you rearrange the letters in Texas you get Taxes. If that doesn't set the Republican base on fire nothing will. The next time Michelle Bachmann is asked what color the sky is, she should go right at Perry on this.

Despite this, shall we say, lackluster GOP field, President Obama is in big trouble because everything that is wrong in the country today is his fault. You can take down bin Laden and Quaddafi (or Kadaffi or Qadaffy or Hanukah or Chanukkah, whatever) without a single American casualty, end the ten year war in Iraq, and finally make sure everyone is this country has health insurance, but unless you can fill, in three years, the 8 million jobs hole Bush left behind you're toast. So, help is on the way. As soon as the GOP regains power and can continue its massive wealth redistribution program in which the top 1% will soon have everything, they'll start using all that excess cash to create jobs on the plantation for the rest of us. CJG, for one, hopes to land a job as a surf board waxer at Mitt's place in La Jolla.

Man of the people, Mitt Romney, waves from his hot
air balloon above the 3,000 square foot La Jolla home
he is tearing down to build a 12,000 square foot home
in its stead.

Is Bush Piqued?

Hard to know if the reports are true, but a story is moving on various news wires that President G.W. Bush declined President Obama's invitation to join him at Ground Zero today because he feels Obama is taking a victory lap and did not give Bush sufficient credit for the bin Laden operation. First of all, as the text of Obama's announcement the other night makes clear, he credited the efforts of everyone involved over the past ten years; he didn't make it sound as if it all began on his inauguration day. Second, he was gracious enough not to note that after bin Laden escaped at Tora Bora Bush took his eye off the ball and gave low priority to the hunt for bin Laden as he pursued war in Iraq. Third, for the past two years plus the man has been living on a cul de sac in Houston. How much credit is he due? He wasn't "the decider" on this: Obama took the risk, made the gutsy call, and made the hunt for bin Laden a top priority after it languished for seven years under Bush. If you ask crankyjewishguy (CJG) the notion that Bush is piqued, if true, is outrageous. By asking Bush to share the stage so to speak at Ground Zero today, Obama was inviting him to a display of unity and to share in the moment. If Bush is such a small man that he feels dissed, then he deserves to be ignored.

My President

Crankyjewishguy (CJG) thinks it's been too long since the death of Osama bin Laden and a return to the really important business facing the country: proving that Barack Obama is (a) a modern-day Hitler, (b) born on some other planet and brought here by aliens to destroy the Earth, (c) a closet terrorist as John McCain and his running mate, what's her name, insinuated in the last campaign, (d) a weak-kneed Chicago liberal who doesn't have what it takes to be Commander-in-Chief.

As you can probably tell, CJG is kidding because he really thinks it's time for those who have spuriously attacked the president's loyalty, American-ness, mettle and toughness TO SHUT THE FUCK UP. And that's all CJG has to say today: SHUT THE FUCK UP!

This is a picture of MY president and if you are a United States citizen, LIKE HE IS, then he is YOUR president, too.

Today's Jobs Report

Staff at the Republican National Committee looking for ways to portray the addition
 of 216,000 jobs to the U.S. economy as more bad news.

Crankyjewishguy (CJG) is pressed for time today, so he'd just like to point out to all those who say "up" when President Obama says "down," and "stop" when President Obama says, "go," that in the first three months of this year the U.S. economy ADDED 500,000 new jobs, 216,000 last month alone. If memory serves, by the end of Bush years the economy was losing about a half million jobs a month (8 million jobs lost on Bush's watch). Oh, and by the way, the first three months of this year saw the stock market post it's largest three-month gain in more than a decade. Since Obama was sworn in it's waaaay up. So, don't you just love listening to the Republicans talk about fixing the economy they destroyed just a few short years ago? But, don't worry, they'll find bad news in these encouraging employment numbers.

Trumped Again!

You know, crankyjewishguy (CJG) keeps trying to move on past dumping on Michelle Bachmann, Half Baked Alaska and Donald Trump, but they're the gift that just keeps giving.

In his latest ramble about Barack Obama's birth certificate, Trump trotted out his own and wondered why, if he could produce his in an hour, Obama wasn't producing his. This is Trump's birth certificate:

But there's a slight problem, as a New York City official pointed out. It has neither the raised seal, nor the signature of the Registrar of Births that an official New York City birth certificate would have. CJG thinks this counts as a major gaffe by Richie Rich. Now, CJG doesn't doubt Trump was born in New York, with both a silver spoon and his foot in his mouth; either that or he comes from another galaxy and is using that combover to conceal antennae. But he does think maybe it's time for him to shut-up about Obama's place of birth and stick to simply bragging about himself as usual. Seriously, can anyone imagine this guy running the country?

There She Goes Again

As a post-script to my last post, at an appearance before conservatives in Iowa yesterday, Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann,who has of late shown an appalling ignorance of basic facts about American history, took a shot at President Obama saying, the U.S is now "engaged in a third Middle East war. Talk about March Madness. Can anyone see Jimmy Carter?"

The first two Middle East wars she is apparently referring to are the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq started during the Bush Administration and which, thanks to careful planning and brilliant strategy, are now dragging into their second decade. But if you're a Republican congresswoman with no grip on reality, the first two also get put on Obama. She plays the same game on the economy: it's Obama's fault the economy hasn't created in two years the 8 million jobs lost under Bush who was president for eight. It matters not that the economy under Obama is creating jobs and hemorrhaged them under Bush. For Bachmann, there is no history before January 20, 2008.

Crankyjewishguy (CJG) really hopes Bachmann runs for president because the more she says, the more ridiculous she appears. But, CJG also knows that there isn't anything Bachmann could say, no matter how inane, ill-informed, or plain old dumb that would put a dent in her support among those who currently adore her, which says a lot about both her and those supporters. When you live in your own world where up is down and two plus two equals five, it simply doesn't matter what you say. There will always be those who think you're a math genius.

Trump That!

Donald Trump. The Pillsbury Dough Boy of American politics is at it again, and yes, crankyjewishguy (CJG) meant "dough" as a double entendre.

What is it with this guy? He's making sounds like he's going to run for president as if what this country needs is some reality TV clown with big with hair and a bigger mouth which, come to think of it, sounds like another Republican who might be running for president. The guy is a braggart: did you you see the TV interview he did from his private jet, the one with some original 18th century art masterpiece hanging in the passenger cabin, where he told the reporter he went to the best college, was really smart and has done tons of brilliant deals? How he could solve the Somali pirate problem with a few ships and "a good admiral?" He sounds like the obnoxious kid in your junior high school with the rich daddy and all the latest toys. And he keeps wondering why no one seems to have known Obama when he was growing up in Hawaii. Do you know anyone who knew Donald Trump growing up in New York? Anyone who actually liked him?

But Trump is going to have one huge problem on the campaign trail, and that's staying out of the wind because anything more than a slight breeze and that ridiculous combover he's got on top of his head is going to make him look like a circus clown. Believe CJG, it's not going to be pretty.

Seriously, what does he think
 when he combs his hair in the morning?

Crazy Mike Huckabee: Did You Know He Grew Up in Mauritania?

The past week has made one thing very clear: the man who has the answers to America's biggest problems is Mike Huckabee, the former governor of Arkansas. He is the only politician with the courage and moral clarity to cut through all the clutter and get at what's really ailing America: Natalie Portman's pregnancy. By putting the unwed actresses's pregnancy where it belongs -- on the front pages of every major and minor news outlet in the nation -- Huckabee, who just happens to be flogging his new book, "The Hope of Audacity: My Childhood as a Peul Tribesman in Mauritania," also managed to take the heat off another floundering politician who made a major gaffe last week when he claimed, falsely, that President Obama grew up in Kenya -- a politician named Mike Huckabee. This is all part of a clever P.R. campaign, of course, because now everyone is wondering what ridiculous thing Mike Huckabee will say next and is paying unusually close attention to a man whose most notable accomplishment in recent years has been losing 110 pounds. Can you tell which of these photos was before and which was after? (No, that is not W.C. Fields in the top photo.)

The person who has to be most frustrated with the sudden interest in crazy Mike Huckabee is Half Baked Alaska. The former governor of Alaska hasn't been in the news for two or three days, which seems like an eternity given how her every inanity is typically given saturation coverage. It looks like the GOP presidential race is going to boil down to who can say the craziest things and generate the most controversy over issues that have nothing to do with making life better for average Americans. It used to be you had to watch Art Linkletter interviewing a half dozen 7 and 8-year-olds in his "Kids Say the Darndest Things" to get laughs like this. Now you just have to watch FOX News.

Hypocrite of the Week: Mitt Romney

Last night, Mitt Romney, the former governor of crankyjewishguy's (CJG) adopted home state of Massachusetts, who rolls like a tumbleweed through America (i.e. whichever way he thinks the political wind is blowing), once again blasted President Obama on the economy. Apparently, Mitt was at one of his vacation homes outside the solar system when Bush was president because since Obama took office the stock market has nearly doubled, the 800,000 jobs a month we were losing at the end of Bush's second term has been turned into job creation, most recently 190,000 new jobs last month, and unemployment, while still high, is the lowest it's been in two years.

Mitt Romney in New Hampshire turning right.

CJG didn't see last night's event, but if Mitt was true to form he was tying himself in rhetorical knots trying to explain to the right wing zealots he's now courting that the universal health care plan with a public option he put in place as governor doesn't preclude his being a fierce critic of the Obama plan, which is quite similar to the Massachusetts plan except that it doesn't have a public option because that, of course, would be like turning the United States into the Soviet Union with its gulags, death panels and Siberian work camps.

This Ken doll's constant shape-shifting is embarrassing to everyone except himself because Mitt's only bedrock conviction is that he deserves to be president. CJG will give him this, however: he stands one great head of hair above the other obvious contenders for the GOP nomination, but CJG is waiting to see how answers the three inevitable question that will determine whether he has what it takes to appeal to today's modern Republican voter: (1) which country, outside the United States, did Barack Obama grow up in; (2) on what day in history did God put human beings, fully formed, on Earth, and (3) why did God make the Earth flat when round would have been so much more practical?

British Royal Family Snubs Obamas: Call in the Wedding Crashers

Crankyjewishguy (CJG) has posted a new blog entry every day since he started blogging on December 13, 2010. (You're welcome.) Even Barack Obama has taken a day or two off during that time, but not CJG. CJG thinks his persistence is paying off, however, as the list of countries where visitors to his blog come from continues to grow, with Romania and the Cayman Islands being just two of the more recent additions. (You can see a complete list here as CJG has quietly gone back and amended this old post from time to time.) As readers who have followed CJG for a while know, he didn't miss a day even when he was on vacation in Puerto Rico, the land of his birth. But CJG thinks maybe he needs a short break even though he continues to have plenty to say. In a couple of hours, CJG is flying to New Orleans for a few days to visit his son at Harvard on St. Charles. The weather down there is supposed to be great. So, don't be alarmed if CJG doesn't post something new every day from New Orleans. It just means he's having a really good time. On the other hand, if he finds a few minutes maybe he'll post something from the Crescent City just to let you know how it's going and to make you jealous. (It may surprise readers to know that CJG's finely honed blog posts, which would appear to take hours, if not days, to prepare, usually take about twenty minutes. Impressive, eh?)

Speaking of Barack Obama, CJG is really ticked off at Prince William and Kate Middleton for not inviting the Obamas to the royal wedding. Isn't it about time the British got over their loss in the Revolutionary War? There's no room for the Obamas but Kanye West got an invite? What's up with that? CJG hopes they aren't expecting him to sing. To be fair, they can only have about 2,000 guests, about the size of a typical bar mitzvah in Boca, but still..the President of the United States isn't good enough for them? For a minute CJG was startled to learn that even Glenn Beck had been invited. Then he put on his glasses and realized it was David Beckham, the soccer star, not Glenn Beck the professional clown.

Beck.

Beckham.
One of these men has been invited to the
 Royal Wedding in April. Do you know which one?
If you'd been reading the text and not just these captions you would.

CJG is also a little disappointed that he and Mrs. CJG weren't invited to the wedding because they're practically family. According to CJG's late father-in-law, who was a judge, Mrs. CJG's paternal grandmother's cousin married the Queen Mother's brother sometime in the early 1900s. For marrying a Jew, he was ostracized and the couple lived in self-imposed exile in South Africa. CJG hopes Colin Firth is reading this because this could be his next big role. In the meantime, although CJG has no reason to doubt his father-in-law, he is going to see if he can confirm the rumor and land a seat at Table 14 at the reception.

The Mid-Life Crisis Myth

According to a story on msnbc.com yesterday, the famous American mid-life crisis is a myth. Crankyjewishguy (CJG) was especially amused by this because just a few hours before stumbling upon this article he agreed to give his aging Volvo to his older son, who will be a junior next year at Harvard on St. Charles, otherwise known as Tulane University. Knowing he now needed to think about replacing his Volvo, CJG spent a pleasant half hour on the Mazda web site pricing Miata convertibles. No kidding.

Mid-life crisis symptom or practical family car?

Most psychologists peg mid-life as the desert between 40 and 65 (CJG is in there somewhere) and say there is no evidence that people in that age range experience life crises at a rate any different than people in other age groups and, in fact, most people's lives are very stable at mid-life. Reassured that his yearning for a Mazda Miata was not driven by some subconscious desire to return to his salad days, CJG now feels even more justified than ever about giving the Miata serious consideration. All he has to do is persuade Mrs. CJG of its practicality, like the fact that the trunk can hold one entire bag of groceries.

But CJG has a bone to pick with msnbc.com. The story debunking the mid-life crisis had photos of many people in mid-life who seem to be thriving -- Oprah, George Clooney, Jon Stewart, Jeff Bridges, Johnny Depp, Conan O'Brien, J-Lo, Colin Firth, Brad Pitt and Barack Obama among others -- and CJG spent the better part of Sunday trying to figure out what he has in common with these people other than age (and, in the case of Johnny Depp, looks) and came up empty. For one thing, not a single one of those people would seem to have to worry about money and that certainly can help keep you young. Second, they all have, with the exception of Barack Obama, job security. And, third, none of them needs to work as hard as CJG for attention, and when you dress like this it does seem you're trying to get people to look at you, don't you think?

CJG dressed as Capt. Jack Sparrow.

Not a Day for Levity

Crankyjewishguy (CJG) had another post leavened with levity ready to go this morning, but he can't post it in light of yesterday's grim news out of Arizona. Sometimes what makes CJG cranky is too serious.

We don't know yet whether the shooting of Congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords was politically motivated or not, but regardless, we need to take a moment and think about the poison in our political discourse because there's been plenty of incitement out there and it's not coming equally, not by a long shot, from both sides of the political spectrum. There's been a lot of over-heated rhetoric in this country for the past few years, and it greatly intensified when President Obama was a candidate. His opponents in that race, Arizona's John McCain and the woman CJG won't name, tried strenuously to tie Obama to a 60's radical named Bill Ayers who they called a terrorist. The implication wasn't at all subtle and was even stated explicitly: Obama "pals around" with terrorists. What's the message there when the nation is waging a so-called "War on Terrorism?" Since his election, GOP leaders such as Newt Gingrich have tried to plant the idea that Obama isn't one of us saying that one can only understand Obama's world view through the lens of a Lao Tribesman of Kenya, a reference to Obama's father's tribe. A majority of Republicans, according to polls, believe Obama is a foriegn-born Muslim; a quarter think he's the Antichrist. That should take your breath away. Senate candidates like Sharon Angle and many congressional candidates hinted darkly at "Second Amendment remedies" if the "right" candidates weren't elected in November. And 24/7 FOX News throws garbage into the public discourse, most of it targeted at the President. Yeah, there's some overheated rhetoric on both sides but there is no rough equivalency here, none. It's like comparing the Empire State Building to a two-story condo in Van Nuys.

Now, yesterday, the former half-term governor of Alaska issued a statement about the shootings, one filled with sympathy for the victims and so forth. But take a good look at the poster below that her Political Action Committee produced before the 2010 mid-term elections, and note that one of those in the crosshairs is none other than Congresswoman Giffords (fourth name down in the first column). Now, CJG wants to be clear here. The shooter may never have seen this poster. It may have played no role in yesterday's tragedy. But is this really appropriate, especially from someone aspiring to be president? CJG hopes that somewhere today the former governor is feeling just a little bit of regret about this poster given what happened yesterday, maybe even regretful enough to come out and say it. When this poster first came out it was defended with words like, "no sane person is going to take this as an invitation to go hunting." But that's the problem. There are too many insane people out there and far too many of them have easy access to guns. This poster and similar rhetoric isn't going to be the tipping point for a sane person, but for any one of a large number of unbalanced people consuming this poison it might well be. CJG's point is that whether yesterday's shootings were politically motivated or not, we are playing with fire and the grownups need to tell the children to stop.

P.S. By the way, Congresswoman Giffords is the first Jewish woman to represent Arizona in Congress.

CJG Arrives in The Homeland: Greeted by Huge Yawn

As crankyjewishguy (CJG) wrote last week, he was about to make a trip with his wife and kids to The Homeland. Well, CJG is pleased to announce that thanks to his little white pills he made it! But, while CJG was happy to leave the cold and snow behind for the balmy breezes of his native Puerto Rico, he has to confess he was a little disappointed with the reception he received upon arriving at Luis Munoz Marin Airport in San Juan. Not only did he learn the airport is named after somebody else, apparently someone in this establishment forgot to tell the people of Puerto Rico that CJG was coming home after 57 years. CJG was sort of expecting a reception that looked like this:

Instead, CJG was met by this guy:

Oh, well. That's life. A series of small disappointments interrupted by sleep. CJG is optimistic, however, that when he and his family leave San Juan later today for his hometown of Aguadilla, word will quickly spread and a bagel, lox and cream cheese banquet will waiting for him when he gets there. (Don't forget the capers!) 

By the way, CJG is well aware of the controversy surrounding Barack Obama's birth certificate and that some ridiculously large percentage of the population (a percentage that correlates, not surprisingly, with the mentally deranged population of the country) believes Obama is a foreign-born Muslim terrorist. But CJG was very surprised to receive a lot of e-mail from "birthers," some of it rather impolite, challenging his claim that he was born in Puerto Rico. Since CJG is keeping all of his political options open, he presents here for your inspection a genuine, uncertified facsimile of his own birth certificate, slightly redacted at the request of the Department of Homeland Security. 

CJG's birth certificate proving he came ashore on the island of Puerto Rico.

CJG guesses the only remaining question is whether being born in a U.S. territory, not a state, makes him a "natural born citizen" and, therefore, eligible to serve. In that regard, CJG points out that John McCain was born in the Panama Canal Zone and that's in a whole other country. CJG thinks it's in Panama. Granted, for a zillion other reasons, among them his choice of running mate and senility, McCain was utterly unqualified to be president, but no one argued his birth in the Canal Zone disqualified him. CJG rests his case and announces that if nominated, he will name Lewis Black as his running mate, the first all-Jewish ticket in history. For future reference, this is Lewis Black, a great American, off his meds. He will preside over the Senate.