Feliz Navidad: Christmas in Paradise

As almost everyone knows, Jesus Christ was Jewish so it seems like an incredible coincidence that he was born on Christmas. Like, what are the odds of that? Maybe 365 to one? Anyway, Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday!

As readers of this blog know by now, are maybe even sick of hearing by now, crankyjewishguy (CJG) and his family are spending this Christmas in Puerto Rico. Since CJG grew up and still lives in a place where winter exists, it's a little hard to get that Christmasy feeling when all the houses look like this:

Thanks to gross overconsumption of fossil fuels as depicted
here, this is what Christmas will look like in Winnipeg by mid-century,

One thing CJG has noticed about the tropics is that with the notable exception of south Florida, people who live in balmy climes are much less cranky than other folks. CJG worries that if he spends too much time here he may have to change the name of his blog to "mellowjewishmon" (pictured below). Breathe easy!

CJG Arrives in The Homeland: Greeted by Huge Yawn

As crankyjewishguy (CJG) wrote last week, he was about to make a trip with his wife and kids to The Homeland. Well, CJG is pleased to announce that thanks to his little white pills he made it! But, while CJG was happy to leave the cold and snow behind for the balmy breezes of his native Puerto Rico, he has to confess he was a little disappointed with the reception he received upon arriving at Luis Munoz Marin Airport in San Juan. Not only did he learn the airport is named after somebody else, apparently someone in this establishment forgot to tell the people of Puerto Rico that CJG was coming home after 57 years. CJG was sort of expecting a reception that looked like this:

Instead, CJG was met by this guy:

Oh, well. That's life. A series of small disappointments interrupted by sleep. CJG is optimistic, however, that when he and his family leave San Juan later today for his hometown of Aguadilla, word will quickly spread and a bagel, lox and cream cheese banquet will waiting for him when he gets there. (Don't forget the capers!) 

By the way, CJG is well aware of the controversy surrounding Barack Obama's birth certificate and that some ridiculously large percentage of the population (a percentage that correlates, not surprisingly, with the mentally deranged population of the country) believes Obama is a foreign-born Muslim terrorist. But CJG was very surprised to receive a lot of e-mail from "birthers," some of it rather impolite, challenging his claim that he was born in Puerto Rico. Since CJG is keeping all of his political options open, he presents here for your inspection a genuine, uncertified facsimile of his own birth certificate, slightly redacted at the request of the Department of Homeland Security. 

CJG's birth certificate proving he came ashore on the island of Puerto Rico.

CJG guesses the only remaining question is whether being born in a U.S. territory, not a state, makes him a "natural born citizen" and, therefore, eligible to serve. In that regard, CJG points out that John McCain was born in the Panama Canal Zone and that's in a whole other country. CJG thinks it's in Panama. Granted, for a zillion other reasons, among them his choice of running mate and senility, McCain was utterly unqualified to be president, but no one argued his birth in the Canal Zone disqualified him. CJG rests his case and announces that if nominated, he will name Lewis Black as his running mate, the first all-Jewish ticket in history. For future reference, this is Lewis Black, a great American, off his meds. He will preside over the Senate.

Returning to The Homeland

By early next week, crankyjewishguy (CJG) is really going to be out of sorts, and it's not going to have anything to do with overdosing on Christmas music. Why is CJG going to be cranky? Because he and his family are going on vacation to Puerto Rico. I know; why would the prospect of going to a sun drenched island with palm trees and spectacular beaches in the middle of December make CJG cranky? A couple of reasons actually.

First, CJG hates to fly. He feels very insecure up there. Second, CJG doesn't tolerate chaos well and packing, for some members of his family who will go unmentioned, requires that every stitch of clothing be removed from the closets, dressers and armoires to be liberally strewn about the house for several days before final decisions about what to pack are made, and in the end, almost everything will be crammed into overloaded suitcases. Packing for CJG is very simple and takes about five minutes, regardless of destination and length of trip: one pair jeans, two pair shorts, sneakers, t-shirts, underwear, socks, toothbrush and medications, including the little white pills that help him board the plane. CJG guy will also be cranky because his sons, 20 and 15, will constantly be telling him to calm down.

The Other Jewish Homeland

Actually, CJG is kind of stoked about this trip because he is returning to the land of his roots. You see, CJG was born in Puerto Rico, but has never been back to Aguadilla (see map above), the town where he was born. He can't wait to see the monument the grateful people of Aguadilla have erected in his honor. He thinks it will look something like this:

Because he left Aguadilla for the mainland long before he could walk, CJG has few memories of life in Puerto Rico, but it was probably awesome. In fact, here is a picture of CJG enjoying life in the Homeland the last time he was there. The weather looked pretty good. Hakuna matata.

crankyjewishguy with Mom and Carly in 1953. If he could have
talked he would have complained about the dirty diaper left on the
 beach (left center).

NEWS FLASH! 

Just one week in the blogosphere and crankyjewishguy is already an international sensation! He's had visitors from the United States and nine foreign countries, including one page view in Nepal. Nepal? That means 100% of the Jewish population of Nepal has visited crankyjewishguy! If that guy needs to have a minyan he has to borrow Jews from neighboring China.

P.S. After writing this News Flash, CJG was surprised to find a web site called Jewish Nepal. Who knew Jews could live so high above sea level?