Crazy Mike Huckabee: Did You Know He Grew Up in Mauritania?

The past week has made one thing very clear: the man who has the answers to America's biggest problems is Mike Huckabee, the former governor of Arkansas. He is the only politician with the courage and moral clarity to cut through all the clutter and get at what's really ailing America: Natalie Portman's pregnancy. By putting the unwed actresses's pregnancy where it belongs -- on the front pages of every major and minor news outlet in the nation -- Huckabee, who just happens to be flogging his new book, "The Hope of Audacity: My Childhood as a Peul Tribesman in Mauritania," also managed to take the heat off another floundering politician who made a major gaffe last week when he claimed, falsely, that President Obama grew up in Kenya -- a politician named Mike Huckabee. This is all part of a clever P.R. campaign, of course, because now everyone is wondering what ridiculous thing Mike Huckabee will say next and is paying unusually close attention to a man whose most notable accomplishment in recent years has been losing 110 pounds. Can you tell which of these photos was before and which was after? (No, that is not W.C. Fields in the top photo.)

The person who has to be most frustrated with the sudden interest in crazy Mike Huckabee is Half Baked Alaska. The former governor of Alaska hasn't been in the news for two or three days, which seems like an eternity given how her every inanity is typically given saturation coverage. It looks like the GOP presidential race is going to boil down to who can say the craziest things and generate the most controversy over issues that have nothing to do with making life better for average Americans. It used to be you had to watch Art Linkletter interviewing a half dozen 7 and 8-year-olds in his "Kids Say the Darndest Things" to get laughs like this. Now you just have to watch FOX News.

Raining Cats and Dogs (and Sometimes Birds)

Crankyjewishguy (CJG) doesn't know if you saw this story on the news the other day, but just four days into the new year and CJG thinks we can safely say it is going to be Number 1 on every list of the top ten weird news stories of 2011. In the little town of Beebe, Arkansas, on New Year's eve, 5,000 red-winged blackbirds suddenly dropped dead. Literally. That's right, they just fell out of the sky. People woke up to find dead birds littering the streets, sidewalks and lawns in a one square mile area. Wildlife officials have ruled out disease and poisoning and are focusing on three possible causes: a lightning strike, high altitude hail and New Year's Eve fireworks that may have stressed the birds to death. Whatever the cause, CJG would say this was not a good omen for the people of Beebe as they started the new year. On the Town of Beebe web site, Mayor Mike Robertson calls Beebe, "Your Dream Hometown." CJG would say...no, it's not.

Now, CJG doesn't think birds dying is funny; he loves birds, just like the guy in the picture below. But he does note the irony that they rained down on a town called Beebe. As if this weren't bad enough, a few days before the birds dropped dead, between 80,000 and 100,000 dead fish were found floating in the Arkansas River, which, you won't be surprised to learn, is also in Arkansas.

John James Audubon poses with two feathered friends.

Now, if CJG lived in Arkansas, which he doesn't because (a) he's Jewish, (b) he doesn't play the banjo, and (c) he despises NASCAR, he'd be giving serious thought to fleeing the state. Clearly, something is amiss in Arkansas and it isn't just Mike Huckabee.

In light of these twin disasters, CJG decided to visit the Arkansas Department of Tourism web site. As you may know from ads in various travel magazines, Arkansas bills itself as "The Natural State." Well, they certainly seem to have a lot of wildlife based on recent casualty statistics. And they sure make it easy to find since it's easier to see fish when they are on the water instead of in it and birds when they are on the ground instead of hiding in trees or flying at high altitude. CJG also checked out the official web site of the State of Arkansas and was interested to read that, "We proudly live up to our motto -- The Natural State -- by showcasing clear, clean lakes and magestic mountain ranges for exploration or relaxation." They also apparently like to live up to their reputation for being bad spellers. When he finishes writing this post, CJG is going to e-mail the Arkansas Department of Education, point out that "majestic" is spelled with a "j" and not a "g," and tell them they are embarrassing themselves. By the way, the Department of Tourism web site has an entire section called "Moving to Arkansas." CJG doesn't think so.

At least they spelled the name of their state right.