The Most Brilliant Idea Ever

While shvitzing heavily on his spin bike yesterday, crankyjewishguy (CJG) had an idea...and idea so brilliant it might just solve all of the world's problems (except for Rush Limbaugh) in one fell swoop. This brainstorm, which hit CJG while in third position (you spinners will know what CJG is talking about) and listening to The Who's Pinball Wizard at full volume, may make the invention of the personal computer look like the first Frisbee. Ready? Here it is. This guy...

...should become the new star of Two and a Half Men, and this lunatic...

...should become the next president of Libya. If you've been listening to these two rant the past couple of days it's a real toss-up trying to decide which one is crazier. Is it Quaddafi (there are so many spellings of this guy's name CJG just chose one, but it can also be Gaddafi, Ghadaffi. Khaddafi, Kaddafi, or Hanukah, among others), the man who travels with a buxom Ukrainian nurse and a cadre of stunning, uniformed female "bodyguards," who insists, despite abundant evidence to the contrary, that his people love him, or is it Charlie Sheen who has two "goddesses" who both sleep in his bedroom but in different beds and he gets to choose each night which one to sleep with and, by the way, these two women, one a former porn star, help take care of Sheen's two kids who, by the way, were removed from the Sheen home by police yesterday after which Sheen told the kids' mother that "this is not responsible parenting." CJG guesses he would know. Despite his very public complete crack-up, Sheen insists CBS should come on its hands and knees to get him back on his show and, by the way, he so fucking great they should kiss his feet and up his pay from a million to three million an episode. Frankly, just watching this asshole self-destruct on shows that don't have to pay him to appear is far more economical than watching him play a normal guy for half an hour a week at a million per.

Now that CJG thinks about, maybe his idea won't solve anything at all. It might even make matters worse.

The NFL on CBS, FOX, ESPN

Since the NFL Playoffs started this past weekend, crankyjewishguy (CJG) thought this would be a good time to analyze the veritable blizzard of pre, post and halftime analysis that accompanies every game. CJG has been watching football with mild interest on and off for about half a century and he makes no claim to being a student of the game. He's more in awe of the fact that every two hour game (eighteen minutes if measured in actual on-field action) is surrounded by hundreds of hours of analysis on television, talk radio and in newspapers and web sites, as if every football game, even Cleveland v. Buffalo, is an event of monumental proportions with the fate of the Earth hanging in the balance. You turn on FOX or CBS or ESPN and there, arrayed around a huge table, are a half dozen former players, coaches, sportswriters or Iranian clerics pontificating about who is going to win, who is winning, or who just won and why. All of this blather can be boiled down into a relative handful of contradictory football truths.

1. The team that controls the line of scrimmage will win.

2. The team that plays best on special teams will win.

3. The team that forces the most turnovers will win.

4. The team with the quarterback that has the best day will win.

5. The team that maintains the territorial advantage will win.

6. The team with the offensive line that dominates will win.

7. The team with the defensive line that dominates will win.

8. The team with the best game plan will win.

9. The team that establishes the running game will win.

10. The team that establishes the passing game will win.

11. Having the hottest cheerleaders will have no effect on the outcome.

All of this is nonsense of course because everyone knows that it's the team that scores the most points that will win, or in the case of a tie score the team with the hottest cheerleaders. But, none of these overpaid "analysts" ever says that because they aren't being paid to state the obvious. If just one of these networks had thought to add a woman to the panel, maybe we'd be able to cut through all this bullshit.

So, CJG's question is which of the teams below would win a hypothetical contest to determine who offers the most astute analysis. Is it the team from CBS,

the team from FOX,

the team from ESPN,

or CJG's Uncle Sherm?

Don't bet against Uncle Sherm. He put five kids through college with his winnings at Aqueduct.

A Shout Out to Baltimore!

CJG wants to say thanks to the Baltimore Jewish Times for recommending crankyjewishguy to its readers. CJG loves Baltimore. His father went to college and medical school there and CJG has family living in Baltimore. Just to prove CJG isn't just blowing smoke out of his ears and sucking up to the Baltimore Jewish Times, here he is proudly wearing his Johns Hopkins University sweatshirt. It's still around here somewhere.

CJG shows his loyalty to Johns Hopkins University
 at age five months. He looks happy here, but at
six months he started to get cranky...really cranky.

So, thanks Baltimore Jewish Times for making CJG's day, or at least making him a little less ornery than usual. As an expression of his gratitude, CJG promises to root for the Baltimore Ravens next week when they play the Pittsburgh Steelers. If the Ravens score more points than the Steelers, CJG predicts the Ravens will win.