We Are (Probably) Not Alone

A recent study by NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory has concluded that there are two billion, that's billion, Earth-like planets just in our own galaxy that could be capable of sustaining life. Two billion planets in the neighborhood and this woman had to appear on ours?

Alien from Alaska arrives on Planet Earth

pretending to be a Jew. Note the necklace.

Crankyjewishguy (CJG) doesn't like to pick nits, but what does a laboratory devoted to "jet propulsion" know about this subject? Maybe the NASA Laboratory for Finding Life Forms in the Universe, but the Jet Propulsion Laboratory?

Regardless, CJG thinks this is pretty stunning information because it would seem, on the face of it, to mean that the chances are very high that we are not alone in the Universe. After all, there are billions of galaxies out there, too, and if they have billions of Earth-like planets that means there are, oh, a gazillion planets where there could be intelligent life, unlike Earth where signs of intelligent life can be hard to find. All his life CJG has been dying to know if there is life on other planets and he is now creeping toward 60, so he'd appreciate it if any aliens out there would make themselves known to us relatively soon. But before they get here, we really should straighten the place up a bit. Between the oil and sludge fouling the Gulf of Mexico, radiation leaking from reactors in Japan, and New Jersey, that's right, just New Jersey, the place looks like a dump.

You think they could have at least vacuumed the carpets?

On a somewhat related note, you may have seen that while visiting Israel yesterday for what must have been a very important meeting with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu,  Half Baked Alaska was wearing a Star of David necklace (see photo above). Now, can you imagine New York Senator Chuck Schumer wearing a cross to The Vatican? Or CJG wearing one to Doyle's Pub in Boston? It's one thing for non-Jewish men to wear a yarmuckle inside a Temple, that's required of all men in many synagogues and is a sign of respect for custom. But jewelry to a meeting? Please. CJG sure hopes she takes it off next time she's field dressing a moose because even though moose are kosher it just wouldn't look right. We'd go straight to the meat counter and buy it pre-wrapped.

Ask Crankyjewishguy Vol.8: Cell Phone Etiquette

Today's letter comes from a reader in Jacksonville who writes that he saw a story that rude cell phone behavior is on the rise and asks, "in your opinion, what rules should apply to cell phone use in public places? I know cell phones are one of crankyjewishguy's (CJG) pet peeves."
Signed, On Vibrate in Jacksonville.

Dear On Vibrate,
CJG is going to skip over your choice of moniker because he promised Mrs. CJG he wouldn't use his blog to indulge in sexual innuendo, but he's really glad you asked this question because he's been looking for a reason to codify his cell phone rules to live by. So, here we go (when in public, of course; do whatever the hell you want in your own house):
1. Silence the ringer. CJG is constantly being startled in parking lots by cars that insist on blasting their horns when locked by remote control, and by obnoxious and loud ring tones. The world isn't a phone booth; don't treat it as such.
2. Absolutely no cell phone conversations in elevators. Is there anything worse than being stuck with some loudmouth yakking with his girlfriend, mother or boss for 20 floors? If the people around you have no escape, have the courtesy of not sharing your private conversations with them.
3. Public restrooms. Short of soliciting sex in a public restroom, this really is no place for a cell phone conversation. When CJG sees guys at urinals with their phones tucked between their shoulder and ear, he prays the offender drops the phone because he wants to see if he's desperate enough to fish it out of a public urinal.
4. Restaurants. If we wanted to have dinner with you, as opposed to next to you, we'd have invited you over. So, don't ruin our evening out with your meaningless babble. And have you ever looked at yourself? Is there anything ruder than ignoring the dinner company at your table to talk to someone who didn't even show up? And if you're alone, maybe you should ask yourself why.
5. See that four year-old desperately trying to get your attention, the one pulling on your arm and yelling, "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!" He's wondering why your %&@*ing cell phone is more important than his getting to a bathroom before he wets himself. So, when you are with your kids, pay attention to them, not your friend Jackie whose telling you about the Pilates class she's in right now.
6. You are not as good a driver as you think you are, and being on the phone isn't making you any better. This really is a no-brainer that few people seem to get. Really, believe CJG, it can wait until you aren't behind the wheel of a three-ton mass of metal traveling 70 mph down a busy highway.

Save the Planet? Americans Say "No"

Sorry, crankyjewishguy (CJG) was missing in action there yesterday, a victim of March Madness. There sure were a lot of close games yesterday, enough to drive CJG's younger son, who has $10 in a school pool, crazy because he's already, mentally anyway, spent the $700 he stands to win if his "bracket" tops those of 69 other kids. CJG isn't sure of this type of gambling is sanctioned by the school so he is declaring an area that comprises the high school campus an Indian reservation.

Now, what's chapping CJG's ass today is that a recent poll shows that by the widest margin in three decades, Americans say economic growth should take priority over protecting the environment. The spread is 54% to 36%.

What troubles CJG is that in the long-term we ain't gonna have much of an economy if we let the environment go to hell. Just take a look at the price, human and economic, Japan is paying for building six nuclear reactors in one of the worst earthquake zones on Earth. Even more to the point, clean energy technology offers one of the greatest economic opportunities of our lifetime, and we're still sitting here, lagging way behind the Chinese, weighing the fossil fuel/nuclear options. Long-term thinking in Washington is defined as two years, or the greatest distance between now and the next election. Even college basketball coaches building a program have a longer frame of reference than that. Yup, we're in March Madness alright.

Some Thoughts on College Admissions

When crankjewishguy (CJG) applied to college sometime in the middle part of the last century, he was asked some interesting questions. This was in the day when you visited most of the colleges you were applying to and had an interview with a member of the admissions committee. At one Ivy League school, CJG won't say which one except to note that its name is the same as the color as some of his shoes, he was asked what he thought of life insurance and life insurance salesmen. As a callow 17-year-old CJG was non-plused by this questions and it's only with the benefit of decades of hindsight that he realizes that this was a trick question designed to test how well he handled a curveball. Not very well apparently because he didn't get into that college on a hill and had to settle for another college where they don't teach life insurance. But at the college he did attend, the dean of admissions was known to have someone from maintenance seal the window in his office and then ask prospective students to open it so he could gauge how they handled the dilemma.

If you have college-age kids, or are going through the college application process now, you know it's become much more sophisticated and anxiety producing than in CJG's day. It's also become much less personal. The college interview is a relic, except for the alumni interview, most of which, from CJG's observation, take place in Starbucks. They are easy to spot: it's usually a strained conversation in which a nervous kid is asked whether he or she has any questions for the interviewer whereupon the kid pulls out a few painfully obvious questions about what the person studied, whether they liked the school, and so forth, as if the experience there in 2012 will be the same as it was in 1968. This is usually the signal for the alum to spill his or her life story to a kid forty years their junior who is listening, sort of, but only because he or she desperately wants in.

Once they have your SAT scores, if they require them -- and who scores high and doesn't send them in -- and your grades, it seems to CJG that the modern application could be boiled down to a few simple questions:

1. Do you have a name? If so, write it here: _________________________

2. Have you ever read a book?

3. Do you know what a book is?

4. On a scale of one to ten, with ten being the highest, how badly do you want to come to college here?

5. Can your parents muster $200,000 over the next four years?

That about covers it, CJG thinks, and we'd all save a whole lot of time.

Yikes!

As readers of crankyjewishguy (CJG) know, last week he and his older son took a Great American Road Trip down Highway 1 along the California coast. It's a harrowing drive at times; the road hugs the great cliffs of Big Sur and there's often not even a guardrail between you and the pounding surf hundreds of feet below. Not that you should do it anywhere, you absolutely shouldn't, but this is about the last place to text and drive. This road demands your full attention. But this morning, CJG is thinking about fate because yesterday a 100 foot stretch of Highway 1 near Big Sur looked like this:

Now, this is a tiny, miniscule calamity considering what the poor people of Japan are enduring; their nightmare is going to be a long one and their suffering is, quite literally, beyond comprehension. And, incredibly, no one was driving this stretch of Highway 1 when the road collapsed, or was speeding along unaware until they hit what has to be the world's largest pothole. So, no one as hurt and no one died, so it really isn't a calamity at all so much as a massive inconvenience for nearby residents because there's no viable alternative to Route 1 and it's going to take months to fix. But it does give you pause when you realize that a few days here or there and you could have been very much in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Sue the Bastards!

Oh, now this is really rich. A New Yorker named Nicole Imprescia is suing the York Avenue Preschool seeking a refund of $19,000 in tuition she paid (yes, that's 19 grand for a pre-school) after pulling her four-year-old daughter out of the school after just three weeks. Imprescia claims that her "very smart" daughter's chances of getting into an elite private college, presumably in 2024, were jeopardized because the pre-school was not adequately preparing little Lucia for the entrance exam required to get into one of New York City's elite private elementary schools, which is to say, kindergarten. It seems that York Avenue Preschool was teaching kids one alphabet letter a week instead of advanced theoretical physics and allowing them to play instead of offering a college level course on Chaucer, which, crankyjewishguy (CJG) would have to say, you might have reason to expect for $19,000 a year.

This woman makes that Tiger Mom, the Yale law professor, Amy Chua, whose demands of her two children bordered on sadistic, look like Mr. Rogers, or at least Mrs. Rogers. Here's CJG's opinion: Lucia Imprescia will have no more than a one in a million shot at happiness because her mother is an idiot. Now, lots of children survive idiot parents, and vice versa, but can't you just imagine what a self-entitled, obnoxious, self-centered woman this is? CJG can just see her behind the wheel of her Lexus SUV, driving down the Fire Lane on Park Avenue while texting her lawyer.

By the way, CJG has an exclusive to share: he obtained little Lucia's first drawing after being pulled out of York Avenue Preschool and here it is:

Pretty good for a four-year-old, don't you think?

Hypocrites

From the "Did He Really Say That Department," former Speaker of the House and presidential aspirant Newt Gingrich told the Christian Broadcasting Network that his past extramarital affairs were the result of his loving his country so much. Don't believe crankyjewishguy (CJG)? Then see for yourself. One of the wives he cheated on, by the way, was suffering from cancer. Can you imagine how much you'd have to love your country to do that? There are young women and men dying on battlefields half way around the world because they love their country, and others working with the poor or marginalized. But old Newt really made the ultimate sacrifice and a grateful nation thanks him. CJG is sure Newt's excuse will meet with widespread acceptance by American voters, especially the right wing zealots Newt is courting. After all, they were able to embrace Bristol Palin's teenage out of wedlock pregnancy for the simple reason that she didn't have an abortion. Thus, according to the logic, she personified the "family values" they claim to cherish so much. And Newt was, after all, just trying to start new families.

Funny, he doesn't look Jewish.

For another Republican hypocrite, we turn to New York Congressman Peter King, the one holding hearings on the radicalization of American Muslims, a hearing that smells like Act 2 of the McCarthy hearings. What makes King such a hypocrite here is that he was an ardent supporter of the Irish Republican Army, the terror group behind numerous deadly terrorist attacks in Britain in the late 20th century. But, as King explained, the IRA didn't target Americans and he since he loves America, who cares? Seriously: are these people for real?

Funny, he doesn't look Jewish, either.