We Interrupt These Commercials to Bring You Football

The Black Eyed Peas are in the middle of an incomprehensible musical performance at half-time, so crankyjewishguy (CJG) has a few minutes to start this blog post about last night's Super Bowl commercials. Apologies to readers outside of North America, most of whom don't really care about the Super Bowl. Here in the USA, Super Bowl Sunday is second only to Groundhog Day as a day of national importance and in recent years it's become popular to handicap the television commercials shown during the game, most of which are prepared specifically for the Super Bowl, because the game itself often isn't interesting enough on its own.

So far, CJG is completely underwhelmed with the commercials, though he thought the little kid in the Darth Vader costume who thinks he started his father's Volkswagen with his special powers was really cute, and careerbuilder.com got a chuckle out of CJG, but only because the chimps in the commercial are funny the way chimps always are when they're dressed up in business clothes and driving cars. If Christine O'Donnell doesn't think humans and chimps share a common ancestor, she obviously hasn't seen a chimp in a jacket and tie trying to park a car.

The cost to all these advertisers to run these commercials is astronomical so you'd think Pepsi Max could do better than insipid slapstick in which people get hit in the head or the gut by flying soda cans. And CJG still doesn't know, after all these years, what GoDaddy.com does except make commercials with women with large...you know. If CJG had to guess he'd say Go Daddy is a restaurant chain that competes with Hooters. Sealy tried a little sexual innuendo, far more subtle than Go Daddy, with their "It's Better on Springs" ads, but CJG already has a mattress so he didn't care, and the ad where some guy sucks another guy's finger because he has Doritos residue on it ensured that CJG will never, ever eat Doritos again unless offered some by this Go Daddy girl:

Just what business is Go Daddy in anyway?

Car ads were big; Acura, Audi, BMW, Chevy, Chrysler, Toyota, Kia, Mini Cooper, Mercedes and Hyundai all tried to get CJG to buy a car, but to no avail, and what was Chevy thinking with its ad for the Cruise Eco which made fun of old, hard of hearing people? CJG is no expert in advertising, but this is supposed to motivate car buyers to choose an Eco?

CJG has always loved the eTrade talking baby, but the new ad with the baby and his Italian tailor wasn't nearly as funny as previous eTrade commercials. The baby didn't look like the same baby to CJG, either -- not nearly as cute as this guy:

An eTrade classic: shankapotomous.

Anyway, the Super Bowl is America's annual celebration of its real national pastime, overconsumption, and somewhere during the day-long saturation media coverage a football game was played and one team won and one team lost and now that we have that out of the way will pitchers and catchers please report to spring training so we can start thinking about green grass and blue skies? Thank you.

The Mark of a Man (or Woman)

It used to be that having a tattoo was the mark of a renegade, a World War II veteran, or someone who got really drunk at a fraternity party in Rhode Island. Now, having a tattoo is the ultimate mark of conformity (or of people with money to waste) since, it seems, just about everyone has one, or a hundred.

Take 18-year old Miley Cyrus who is famous for something, though crankyjewishguy (CJG) isn't quite sure what. Maybe for being in People magazine? Anyway, it's been reported that Cyrus just got her fifth tattoo, a dream catcher with four feathers, one feather for each of her apparently less talented siblings. For those who aren't as hip or as tuned into the spirit world as Miley Cyrus or CJG, a dream catcher is a Native American creation that looks something like this:

It catches dreams in that web at the top or, if you secure a sharp hook on it and throw it into a body of fresh water, large mouth bass. But CJG digresses. Cyrus's other tattoos include a heart and a "small cross" on her fingers (well, how big could it be if it's on her finger?), the word "love" on her ear (also, one presumes, in small letters), and the words "just breathe" on her rib cage. If she's going to be putting function reminders on her body parts, CJG can think of a great tattoo for her butt. Anyway, according to a friend of Cyrus's, all of Miley's tattoos "have a deep meaning to her." Aw, isn't that sweet? Cyrus sounds like a very, very deep person and getting deeper with each new tattoo. Soon she won't even be able to stand in the shallow end of the pool at the Beverly Hills Hotel.

Professional athletes, of course, have tons of money and like to show us what rebels they are by tattooing their bodies to excess. CJG is waiting for the first pro athlete to step up and offer his body as a billboard for say Nike, and have the Nike logo not just on their sneakers, but on their forehead. In fact, CJG wonders if it's already been done. Can you see LeBron James with "Chick-fil-A" inked on his arm? Or Dwight Howard with a huge Budweiser tattoo on his shoulder? That would be awesome.

Tattoos have been quite fashionable for the past decade or so and it's frightening to think what all these people are going to look like in their 70s and 80s when their skin is sagging like a hammock. It's not going to be pretty.

Chris Anderson of the Denver Nuggets. As you may
 be able to tell, his nickname is "Bird."

Say It Ain't So, Yamamotoyama: Sumo Scandal Rocks the Sports World!

Crankyjewishguy (CJG) is deeply dismayed by the state of professional sports today. Until yesterday he thought Sumo wrestling was the last clean sport around and had become so wildly devoted to Sumo that he gained 300 pounds last year just so he could feel like a Sumo wrestler.

CJG likes riding bikes, or at least he did before his weight ballooned to 480 pounds, and he was mildly interested in professional bicycle racing. Then came one doping scandal after another which explains how hundreds of riders can average something like 25 mph over a two thousand mile course through France that includes inclines that are the equivalent of riding up the face of the Empire State Building. Then, of course, there's steroids in baseball and it's going to be very interesting when the newly retired Andy Pettitte takes the witness stand in July to testify against his former friend and teammate, the ever egotistical Roger Clemens, whose 98 mph fastball was higher than his IQ. So, having given up on cycling and baseball, CJG was sure Sumo wrestling would restore his faith in the integrity of professional athletes. After all, Sumo is more than a sport in Japan: it's an essential part of the country's cultural heritage and national identity, much the way professional wrestling is in America. Sumo dates to the time of the Ninjas; pro wrestling dates back to 1776. CJG knows this because Michelle Bachmann said so on her web site.

That's CJG behind the fellow with the pointy hat when he was invited
 to throw out the first ball at Opening Day of the 2010 Sumo season, making
CJG the first Jew to ever appear as an official part of a Sumo match.

The allegations in the Sumo scandal rocking Japan this week are that wrestlers fixed matches and bet on the outcome. Unlike other sports, such as curling and table tennis, where steroids and other performance enhancing drugs have tainted the competition, there are no accusations of drug abuse in Sumo, mainly because the substances used to enhance the performance of Sumo wrestlers are bacon, chicken fat, and Twinkie tempura.

So, what sport can we believe in? CJG submits it is American professional wrestling because (a) everyone knows the matches are fake, (b) there are no banned substances so everyone has an equal shot at stardom, and (c) you can't make up names like Hulk Hogan, The Rock, and Rowdy Roddy Piper. It's illegal.

You can't fake this because it is fake,
which means it's sport you can believe in.

News of Yesterday in Review

Yesterday, as he waited for his flight to leave sunny Florida and return to the frozen misery of New England, crankyjewishguy (CJG) was perusing the headlines and noted a few that fall into the category of either utterly predictable or mildly bemusing.

For example, "Rumsfeld Defends Handling of Iraq War in New Book." Now there's a whopping surprise. CJG supposes it was too much to hope for a headline that said, "Rumsfeld Takes Blame for Biggest Blunder in American History."

Then there was, "Health Care Repeal Vote Fails in Senate." After promising to focus like a laser on job creation, Republicans in Congress have made it a top priority to force symbolic votes on health care reform they know are going nowhere because Democrats control the Senate and The White House. CJG supposes it was expecting too much to see a headline that said, "Comprehending Reality, GOP Decides to Focus on Actually Accomplishing Something."

Speaking of the Republicans, another headline proclaimed, "GOP Uses Simple Strategy to Deal With Michelle Bachmann." Basically, said the story, the Republican Party is ignoring the Minnesota congresswoman, who is a Republican, and hoping she doesn't make the party look like a bunch of ill-informed right wing whackos. Way too late! That train left the station months ago.

Another headline that caught CJG's eye was, "Asia Welcomes Year of the Rabbit." Well, of course. Why wouldn't they? Especially when you consider this other headline from yesterday's news: "Singapore Prime Minister: Reproduce in Year of the Rabbit." Sounds like this is the year to make that long delayed visit to Singapore! CJG also applauds efforts to grow his fan base in Singapore which, as readers know, is already quite formidable.

Then there was this: "Growing Concern for Charlie Sheen's Kids." CJG can't say he was aware of a national outpouring of concern for Charlie Sheen's kids, or even a local one, and so far Michelle Bachmann hasn't tried to make it a national issue, though she's probably just waiting for the right moment. Of course the story, which you might think would have been about the emotional trauma of having a father who is in rehab for the umpteenth time, focused instead on the fact that though Sheen writes checks for $30,000 to porn stars, he hasn't, according to the kids' mother, set aside money for the children: no trust funds, no college funds. Money would seem to be the least of their problems, don't you think?

And finally, there was the day's most ironic headline: "Mubarak: Chaos If I Quit Now." Look out the palace window, dude! What do you call this?

Ask Crankyjewishguy Vol.4: Global Warming a Hoax?

As readers of this blog know, crankyjewishguy (CJG) occasionally answers letters from readers. Today's letter comes from Gene in New Jersey who writes:

Dear CJG,
Now that I have chipped four inches of ice from my front walk, shoveled two more feet of snow, stayed home with my kids for the fifth snow day in two weeks, and am now waiting for the ice dams in my gutters to force melting snow to leak into my house I have two choice words for Al Gore and his global warming crap. Isn't it obvious by now that global warming is a left wing conspiracy dreamed up to prevent Americans from consuming their fair share of the Earth's resources?
Gene in New Jersey

Dear Gene,
You are a moron. CJG is embarrassed that you hail from his home state, but not surprised. Two-thousand-ten was the warmest year on record since scientists starting keeping track of such things. Did you write to CJG when you were sweating from your eyeballs last summer in the sweltering heat? Extreme weather, including colder, snowier winters in some places as a result of overall global warming has been predicted by climate scientists. And here's two more things that might surprise you: the Earth is round and, by virtue of being an American, you consumed your fair share of the planet's resources by the time you were four. Trade in your Hummer for a Prius and don't write to CJG again.

In 1914, the Endurance was locked in, and then crushed by,
Antarctic ice. Sir Ernest Shackleton and his crew spent eighteen miserable months
 before reaching land and rescue. None died and none complained as much as
Gene from New Jersey who probably has his heat cranked up to 80.

Afraid of His Own Shadow

Today, as you know from the saturation news coverage that has knocked the Egyptian Revolution off the front pages, is Groundhog Day in the United States. For those visiting this blog from other countries, Groundhog Day is a very important American holiday in which a bunch of people in a small town in Pennsylvania wait for a groundhog to come out of his burrow to have a look around. If the groundhog sees his shadow it means there will be six more weeks of winter. If he doesn't see his shadow it means winter is almost over. Or the other way around. Honestly, crankyjewishguy (CJG) doesn't think a groundhog knows his ass from his elbow, let alone understands what his shadow is, but there you have it.

Crankyjewishguy (CJG) knows what people from other countries must be thinking: the United States is one of the most technologically advanced countries on Earth and spends billions of dollars every year studying, analyzing and predicting the weather and this is how they do it? The answer is yes, this is exactly how we do it.

In a normal year CJG would anxiously await the news from Gobbler's Knob, Pennsylvania the way he awaits his colonoscopy results. But this year he doesn't care. First, he's in Boca Raton where it's already summer (80 degrees as CJG writes), and second, no matter when spring comes to New England, it's going to be at least August before all the snow melts. And, frankly, there's another reason: CJG has lived more than five decades now and he doesn't believe in the groundhog anymore. CJG can't remember a year when the groundhog's prediction was right, at least in New England. If you live in New England and it's February 2nd, there's always at least six weeks of winter left regardless of whether the sun is out in Pennsylvania.

Now, as for Boca, CJG continued his streak of consecutive vacation days on which he has run into people he knows, or close to it. Readers will recall that when CJG was in Puerto Rico in December he could hardly turn around without bumping into people from home, including the kid who used to work at his local Starbucks, and yesterday, walking the beach, it happened again, but only because CJG made the mistake of wearing a t-shirt with the name of the town where he lives on it. CJG hadn't walked a hundred feet before an excited couple from CJG's home town came running up to see if maybe they knew one another. CJG didn't recall ever running into them at the supermarket or the library, or denting their fender at the bad intersection near the post office, so pleasantries were exchanged, mostly about how smug we felt walking the beach while our neighbors were being buried in another foot of snow. But CJG suspects that he could have been wandering the streets of Khartoum in the same t-shirt and the exact same thing would have happened because that's the kind of guy he is: friend to all the people.

No need for the groundhog here. The weather forecast is for several
thousand more years of sunshine with occasional hurricanes.

Greetings from Boca! Wish You Were Here!

Crankyjewishguy (CJG) had a pleasant flight to Fort Lauderdale yesterday thanks to smooth air and two of the little white pills he likes to take just before a flight, the ones that help him forget he's inside an aluminum tube going 500 m.p.h. six miles above the earth.  CJG wasn't just happy to get back to terra firma when he landed, he was also reassured to find out that terra firma still exists given that he hasn't actually seen the ground in weeks thanks to snow that is now piled so high it's grazing the window sills on the second floor of his house. CJG, being Jewish, also has to admit to feeling a little bit guilty about coming to Florida one day before the next massive snowstorm moves in, leaving Mrs. CJG and their younger son to fend for themselves during the onslaught. However, before he left, CJG did show Mrs. CJG how to bait the traps, load the hunting rifles and call for Chinese take out, so they should be OK until Thursday when CJG is scheduled to return home with a three-day tan, like this guy, who just happens to be CJG's body double because CJG doesn't do his own stunts.

Sensitive, pensive and thoughtful, CJG requires that his
 body doubles be like him in every way.

Later today CJG has signed up for a spin class and something called "a plastic surgery walking tour" of Boca, a guided tour through the history of tummy tucks, face lifts and breast enhancement surgery that apparently uses random citizens of Boca as models. Sounds quirky, but fun.

A Shout Out to...

Readers of crankyjewishguy (CJG) might find it reassuring to know they are not alone in reading CJG. In fact, CJG seems to be developing quite the international following. So far, he's had visitors from (in no particular order) Canada, Italy, Laos, France, Germany, India, Belgium, Pakistan, The Netherlands, Switzerland, the United Kingdom (thanks Colin Firth!), Brazil, the Czech Republic, the Dominican Republic, Bosnia-Herzegovina, Spain, Luxembourg, Lithuania, Qatar, Algeria, Estonia, Finland, Paraguay, Azerbaijan, Poland, Morocco, Israel, Cambodia, Vietnam, Slovenia, Slovakia, Romania, the Cayman Islands, the Republic of Georgia, Sweden, Norway, New Zealand, The United States, Singapore, Croatia, Russia, Argentina, Nepal, Denmark, China, Mexico, Austria, Ukraine, the United Arab Emirates, Greece, Turkey, Portugal, Peru, Australia, Antigua and Barbuda, Colombia, Ireland, Japan, Hungary, South Africa, Indonesia, Thailand, South Korea, China, Malaysia, Saudi Arabia, Taiwan, Egypt, Bulgaria, El Salvador, Honduras, Guatemala, Iran, Pakistan, Moldova, the Philippines, Brazil and the International Space Station. OK, he didn't really have a visitor from outer space; just making sure you're paying attention. If you've been following CJG for a while, you know he likes to give an occasional shout out to the country, outside North America, with the most visitors to his blog, adjusted, of course, for population size. This was relatively easy at the beginning, but now it requires several hours of calculations to figure out who's winning. Nevertheless, CJG is compulsive enough to want to know the answer and it is...

Singapore! (Apparently they didn't have time to decorate the bottom half of that flag.) Thanks, Singapore! If you send CJG a round trip, first class ticket he'll be happy to make a personal appearance. And if you want to know why CJG is so popular in Singapore, this column by Thomas Friedman in The New York Times offers some clues.