Starbucks Unveils New Logo: Company Collapses

People lacking crankyjewishguy's (CJG) sense of perspective probably thought the big news story this week was the Republican takeover of the House of Representatives, or maybe the impending start of a new season of American Idol. But those people would be wrong because the big news this week, and it really is HUGE, is that to celebrate its fortieth anniversary Starbucks has unveiled a new logo! It looks like this:

Just kidding. It actually looks like this:

No, the new logo isn't four coffee cups lined up on the bar at a Starbucks indicating a ten minute wait for your drink; it's the one to the far right. See the difference? The mermaid, which Starbucks calls the Siren, is no longer imprisoned in a ring that says "Starbucks Coffee." CJG thinks this means she's free to swim away. Maybe all the way to a Peet's. Somehow, though, this depiction of the evolution of the Starbucks logo reminds CJG of this:

As fans of CJG know, CJG has a love/hate relationship with Starbucks. First, he is a major shareholder in the company with about five shares, give or take. Second, he is the proud owner of the Starbucks equivalent of the frequent flyer card, a gold credit-card type thingee with his very own name on it. This means that every time he racks up fifteen drinks as Starbucks, or roughly every other day, he gets a coupon for a free drink. Third, though he frequents Starbucks with alarming frequency he is always at a low boil that the company doesn't take steps to discourage cell phone use in the stores which means his fellow patrons are always bringing him to the brink of a full boil. So, the news that Starbucks was changing its logo hit CJG right in the solar plexus, the region between Mercury and the sun.

Changing a corporate logo, especially one as ubiquitous as Starbucks', is no small proposition. They no doubt paid some consulting firm millions of dollars to come up with something as brilliant as simply removing part of the old logo and changing the mermaid from black and white to white and green, not coincidentally, CJG suspects, the color of money. Now they have to spend untold millions more to change all that stationery and all those business cards, toss about eight billion cups with the old logo and make fifteen billion of the new ones, and change the signage in every one of their seven million stores in the Milky Way Galaxy and on and on and on. The whole thing probably cost more than the gross national product of Canada. All this begs a simple question: could it possibly be worth it? Is CJG's decaf mocha latte with whipped cream going to taste any better as a result? CJG guesses he'll find out soon. Personally, CJG would have preferred a major investment in heavily upholstered furniture so he could sleep more comfortably at Starbucks, a matter he plans to raise at the next shareholder meeting.

Cry, Baby!

Speaker of the House John Boehner
upon learning that he is now in charge.

Crankyjewishguy (CJG) is crying today, too, because this man, and his fellow Republicans, have taken control of the House of Representatives. What CJG can't wrap his head around is how the party whose resurgence was bankrolled by a small group of hedge fund managers manages to persuade the average American that Republicans have the answers to what ails those who are struggling.

Now, CJG has no problem with grown men crying, even grown men who are Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives and, thus, third in line to the presidency. But, CJG does have a problem with grown men who cry at the wrong times, like Purim parties.

John Boehner seems to break down and cry whenever he's talking about himself and his rise from a large working class Ohio family to the pinnacles of power. This strikes CJG as self-indulgent. He thinks Boehner should be crying when Republicans in Congress block $7 billion for health care for  9/11 first responders who are suffering serious medical problems related to their heroic work (they eventually were shamed into shifting gears and agreed to $4 billion), especially when the tax cuts for the rich they fought so hard for are going to add trillions to the national debt. (By the way, tax rates for the rich are at historic lows.)

CJG also thinks Boehner should be crying when Republicans block $108 million to help reduce child marriage around the world, a practice that sentences many children to lives of abuse and slavery, especially when Congress approved, without debate, another $160 billion for the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq. (Blame both parties for that one.) He thinks Boehner should cry when Republicans fight an extension of unemployment benefits for the working class at Christmas, the very people paying the price for Republican economics of the Bush years, but fight tooth and nail to keep the estates of multi-millionaires from being taxed.

Boehner has a lot to cry about, alright. He's just crying about the wrong things. Tomorrow, CJG will try and return to his usual levity, but today was a tough day for him and Nancy Pelosi.

Captain (Dis)Honors: SOS!

In light of recent news that the current captain of the USS Enterprise produced and broadcast over the ship's internal television station system lewd, raunchy videos featuring simulated lesbian sex, anti-gay slurs and offensive comments about women, crankyjewishguy (CJG) wants to know if maybe, just maybe, we might be able to trim our defense budget just a wee bit. CJG is all for entertaining the troops who put their lives on the line for us, but maybe a subscription to Netflix would be more appropriate and less expensive than movies produced in-house. It's nice to know that while this aircraft carrier, just one of eleven in the entire fleet, was deployed in the Middle East to support combat missions in Iraq and Afghanistan, Captain Owen Honors (you can't make up names like that in stories like this), then second in command, now first, found the time for such leisurely pursuits. CJG's guess is that he logged the time as "building troop morale," or "Honors honors the troops." CJG would like to get a peek at the ship's log and maybe even review those video tapes for himself.

Carnival Cruise Line's new party ship, the USS Enterprise.

But, CJG's concerns go way beyond the terrible message this behavior sends. There are millions of Americans who may not immediately grasp the difference between the USS Enterprise and the Starship Enterprise and for that reason, Captain Honors has done a great disservice to the good men and women of Starfleet Command. Now, there's no doubt that Captain James T. Kirk had a thing for the ladies, but CJG defies anyone to point to a single instance when his conduct could be deemed inappropriate. And CJG has replayed every episode of Star Trek in his head over the last three minutes and can summon not a single incident of anti-gay or homophobic behavior. Yet, now, Captain James T. Kirk, who served his galaxy so well, will forever be lumped together with Captain Owen Honors. This is terribly unfair to the Jewish people, too, since James Kirk was played by actor William Shatner, who is Jewish. Leonard Nimoy, who played Mr. Spock, is also Jewish, proving that while we may not control the media as Rick Sanchez thinks, we did, in the late 1960s, briefly control the galaxy. In any event, in an effort to minimize this travesty, CJG is urging that his huge international audience not confuse this man

The Honorable James T. Kirk

with this man, who, quite frankly, doesn't look the least bit Jewish.

The dishonorable Owen Honors

By the way, Captain Honors was relieved of his command yesterday. CJG is sure he will find gainful employment in the porn industry or, if he is allowed to remain in uniform, as a replacement for Alex of The Village People.

Raining Cats and Dogs (and Sometimes Birds)

Crankyjewishguy (CJG) doesn't know if you saw this story on the news the other day, but just four days into the new year and CJG thinks we can safely say it is going to be Number 1 on every list of the top ten weird news stories of 2011. In the little town of Beebe, Arkansas, on New Year's eve, 5,000 red-winged blackbirds suddenly dropped dead. Literally. That's right, they just fell out of the sky. People woke up to find dead birds littering the streets, sidewalks and lawns in a one square mile area. Wildlife officials have ruled out disease and poisoning and are focusing on three possible causes: a lightning strike, high altitude hail and New Year's Eve fireworks that may have stressed the birds to death. Whatever the cause, CJG would say this was not a good omen for the people of Beebe as they started the new year. On the Town of Beebe web site, Mayor Mike Robertson calls Beebe, "Your Dream Hometown." CJG would say...no, it's not.

Now, CJG doesn't think birds dying is funny; he loves birds, just like the guy in the picture below. But he does note the irony that they rained down on a town called Beebe. As if this weren't bad enough, a few days before the birds dropped dead, between 80,000 and 100,000 dead fish were found floating in the Arkansas River, which, you won't be surprised to learn, is also in Arkansas.

John James Audubon poses with two feathered friends.

Now, if CJG lived in Arkansas, which he doesn't because (a) he's Jewish, (b) he doesn't play the banjo, and (c) he despises NASCAR, he'd be giving serious thought to fleeing the state. Clearly, something is amiss in Arkansas and it isn't just Mike Huckabee.

In light of these twin disasters, CJG decided to visit the Arkansas Department of Tourism web site. As you may know from ads in various travel magazines, Arkansas bills itself as "The Natural State." Well, they certainly seem to have a lot of wildlife based on recent casualty statistics. And they sure make it easy to find since it's easier to see fish when they are on the water instead of in it and birds when they are on the ground instead of hiding in trees or flying at high altitude. CJG also checked out the official web site of the State of Arkansas and was interested to read that, "We proudly live up to our motto -- The Natural State -- by showcasing clear, clean lakes and magestic mountain ranges for exploration or relaxation." They also apparently like to live up to their reputation for being bad spellers. When he finishes writing this post, CJG is going to e-mail the Arkansas Department of Education, point out that "majestic" is spelled with a "j" and not a "g," and tell them they are embarrassing themselves. By the way, the Department of Tourism web site has an entire section called "Moving to Arkansas." CJG doesn't think so.

At least they spelled the name of their state right.

Ask Crankyjewishguy: Go Ahead, He Dares You

Because he is a font of knowledge on many subjects ranging from politics and rocket science to sex and household cleaning products (Lestoil for oily stains followed by a hot water wash), people within crankyjewishguy's (CJG) rectangle of friends often ask for his advice. (For some reason they refuse to form a circle.) And CJG is more than happy to give it. Now, readers of this blog can avail themselves of this opportunity, too, because today CJG announces a new, regular feature on his blog called, "Ask Crankyjewishguy." Readers are invited to submit their questions on any subject, except badminton, by e-mailing CJG at crankyjewishguy@gmail.com and CJG will answer some of them on the air. If he's not too busy reading the paper at Starbucks he may even answer two.

Today's question comes from Rachel in Weehawken, New Jersey who writes:

"In badminton, why do they call it a shuttlecock?"

OK, next question. Apparently, Rachel can't read. This one is from Mark in Boynton Beach, Florida.

"My 17 year-old son sits in front our 42-inch HDTV all day long playing violent video games like Call of Duty: Black Ops and Grand Theft Auto. He wears nothing but black, his hair is cut in a purple mohawk, he has about 80 body piercings and his arms, legs and neck are covered with grotesque tattoos. His room is decorated with posters of heavy metal bands and reeks constantly of pot smoke. He dropped out of high school, has no friends, is 6'3" tall and weighs 119 pounds, and refuses to get a job, bathe, or light the Hannukah candles. He lets his pet iguana run all over the house and I think he's stealing money from us. What should we do?"

Well, lucky for you, Mark, this one is right in CJG's wheelhouse and the answer is very simple. You need to go out and buy a 60-inch set. Your son can't possibly take full advantage of the amazing graphics in Black Ops on the puny 42-inch thing he's using now. CJG recommends the Panasonic.

The North American Green-Belted Shuttlecock.
 What else could you possibly call it?

Bowled Over

When crankyjewishguy (CJG) was growing up during the Fillmore Administration, there were, if memory serves, a grand total of five college football "bowl" games played either on New Year's eve or New Year's Day. There was the Orange Bowl in Miami, the Cotton Bowl in Dallas, the Sugar Bowl in New Orleans, the Gator Bowl in Jacksonville and the granddaddy of them all, the Rose Bowl in Pasadena. What these bowl games had in common was that each featured two teams playing football against one another and each, except for Gator Bowl, was named for something that grew out of the ground. (OK, sugar needs to be refined from sugar cane, but the cane grows out the ground, so don't write CJG and say he made an error. CJG is infallible.) It wasn't just that the bowls were named for natural things, they were things that tasted, smelled or felt nice, too, provided you like alligator. There was no Poison Ivy Bowl, for example, and no Turnip Bowl.

The official Rose Bowl logo. See how fresh and wholesome it looks?
CJG just isn't sure why they placed the rose atop a cabbage.

The official Sugar Bowl logo. Needs work.

Today, of course, there are something like 850 bowl games which means every college football team in America, and a few from Kazakhstan, get bids to play in a post-season bowl spectacular, and some maybe even two. And gone are the days when bowl games were named for flowers, fruits, or the material used to make your sheets. Now the games are named after banks (Capital One), helicopter manufacturers (Bell), fast food restaurants (Chick-fil-A) and, CJG's personal favorite, the Brut Sun Bowl, named after a deodorant. (CJG doesn't know about you, but to him Brut Sun sounds like a Taiwanese gangster.)

As a result of this bowl proliferation, you get some really interesting match-ups in these games. You know, like the 1-800-FLOWERS Bowl featuring Northwest Bozeman State and the University of Southern Dade County (Ft. Lauderdale Campus), or the South Texas Police Benevolent Association Bowl pitting Oshkosh Community College against the Acme Night School for Advanced Trucking and Hauling, known to its fans as ANSATH. These lesser bowls feature more players in uniform than people in the stands, but each one is televised which means the networks have to scrounge up otherwise unemployed play-by-play announcers and color commentators. Usually, these guys know nothing about football so you hear them say things like, "that touchdown gives the Hackensack Hackeysacks an insurmountable 14 run lead," or "the penalty is declined and there will be a do-over." When CJG watches the announcers calling the Swingline Stapler Bowl, for example, he wonders what could these people possibly be doing for a living during the 364 days of the year when there isn't an utterly obscure football game on their agenda.

CJG also wonders what some of these sponsors get for the millions of dollars they put up to name a bowl game after themselves. Take Bell Helicopter, for example. Exactly how many people watching the Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl are in the market for a helicopter, especially in this economy? And how many are going to drive past a nice little Italian bodega to get to a platter of mini corn dogs at Beef 'O' Brady's just because Beef 'O' Brady's attached its name to a football game between Rutgers and the University of Central Florida? (Rutgers won, by the way.) CJG never even heard of Beef 'O' Brady's until he looked up the 2010-11 bowl schedule on the Google machine three minutes ago. And what's up with the apostrophes on both sides of the 'O'? Even the Irish are limited to one apostrophe per name and this place has three. Is it supposed to make the name readable in both directions? Anyway, as CJG just said, he'd never heard of Beef 'O' Brady's until...well, now it's four minutes ago...but he's sold.

Now that Beef 'O' Brady's has sponsored
 a college bowl game, CJG is a customer for life...

...and he's gonna get there in his new Bell Helicopter as soon as his ship comes in!

CJG's Top Ten Annoying People of 2011

Yesterday, the last day of the year, crankyjewishguy (CJG) named his Top Ten Annoying People of 2010 which means it must be time to name the Top Ten Annoying People of 2011. See, that didn't take long. Topping the list for 2011, as she will every year as long as she remains publicly visible, is She Who Shall Not Be Named. You know, John McCain's running mate. The one who doesn't speak a single language fluently, even English.

Followers of CJG may have been surprised that yesterday's list did not include some obvious candidates for most annoying person, namely Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter and anyone who works at FOX News and has the chutzpah to call themselves a journalist. But there's a simple explanation for why they didn't make the list: CJG has shut them out completely so they don't bother him. So, who other than the Half Baked Alaskan are the other Top Ten Annoying People of 2011?

No. 1: Topping this year's list is the guy sitting next to CJG at Starbucks right now returning all the calls he missed last year. And he's not even having a coffee. He thinks he's in a large phone booth.

No. 2: Second is the guy at the other table next to CJG who is literally ripping up a year's worth of financial records as he gets a head start on his tax return. If this keeps up much longer, CJG is going to hand him a hundred bucks and tell him to go buy a paper shredder at Staples, provided he doesn't come back here and plug it in.

No. 3: The telemarketers at the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee (DSCC). CJG made a crucial contribution to the DSCC in late October that kept the Senate from falling into Republican hands. (You're welcome.) While CJG was happy to do so, he didn't realize that someone from the DSCC would call him every day for the rest of his life seeking additional contributions.

No. 4: Christine O'Donnell. There's a big cauldron of trouble brewing for the erstwhile Senate candidate from Delaware; something to do with using campaign donations to pay her rent and other personal expenses, such as her three year supply of eye of newt. She blames disgruntled former aides for her legal troubles, but CJG thinks that anyone who claims that scientists are breeding mice with human brains has bigger problems than an investigation by the Federal Election Commission. Are we doomed to have to spend the rest of our lives hearing from this pea brain? Maybe she should try and get into that mice experiment.

No. 5: Allen West. You may not have heard of Allen West yet, but trust CJG, you will. CJG first learned of Allen West while doing a little research on Idaho militias (that's another story) and one of them had a web site with this video of Allen West giving a speech somewhere. West is an African-American right wing extremist, which sounds about as dissonant as pastrami with mayo. More troubling, West is also the Congressman-elect from the the Boca Raton area. How a heavily Jewish congressional district in south Florida elected a black right wing extremist to congress is beyond CJG, especially since the incumbent's name was Ron Klein, but this is one scary dude, and really, really annoying, too.

No. 6: Stewie Griffin. Everything CJG's younger son knows about sex he learned from watching Family Guy. CJG actually loves Family Guy and Stewie Griffin but he has to admit that allowing Seth McFarland to effectively raise his younger child may have been a mistake.

No. 7: Justin Bieber. CJG got annoyed just typing his name. Too much fame too fast. My twelve year old niece loves this guy. Anyone want to hazard a guess when he'll do his first stint in rehab? Send your predictions to crankyjewishguy@gmail.com and whoever comes closest to picking the exact date will win a t-shirt with Bieber's picture on the front and the words "I Told You So" on the back.

No. 8: Speaking of rehab and cautionary tales, Lindsay Lohan makes this year's list in anticipation of repeated parole violations in 2011. Will someone please e-mail CJG and explain what this woman is famous for other than being a complete train wreck? Why do we keep reading about her?

No. 9: Finally, last but not least on CJG's Top Ten Annoying People of 2011 is college basketball color man, Dick Vitale. CJG hates to pick on another Jersey guy, especially one who hails from his home county of Bergen, but if you watch college hoops, as most of us do, you know the ubiquitous Vitale can wear out even the most enthusiastic fan. CJG can take the guy in small doses, but by the end of the basketball season in March, Vitale's over-the-top, non-stop boisterous exuberance can leave a ringing in your ears that doesn't abate until Labor Day. This is why your TV remote has a mute button.

How about a little peace and quiet, baby!