A Pizza Man You Can't Refuse?

OK, crankyjewishguy (CJG) just found a ten foot pole so he's going to touch this Herman Cain controversy. Hope he doesn't electrocute himself.

Unless you've been traveling in Bulgaria for the past two weeks you probably know that GOP presidential candidate and former chairman of the Godfather's pizza chain is struggling to deal with revelations that he was twice accused of sexual harassment by female employees of a trade association of which he was president. The motto for Godfather's, by the way, is "a pizza you can't refuse." Maybe Cain thought that applied to the company chairman, too.

Outraged professional pundits such as Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter immediately blamed liberals for the story arguing that liberals can't stand to see a conservative black man rising, as if this wouldn't be a story if we were talking about a white presidential candidate. (Hello, John Edwards.) But the Cain campaign itself didn't blame "liberals"; it blamed the Rick Perry campaign. And the Perry campaign blamed the Mitt Romney campaign. And Newt Gingrich said if any Republican candidate was responsible for leaking the sexual harassment story to the press they should be drawn and quartered as if it's better such things be swept under the carpet. Newt, of course, has good reason not to want bad behavior like this to become an issue: he's an admitted adulterer who left his cancer-stricken wife for another woman. It's getting a little bit like an Agatha Christie novel. CJG is waiting for the Romney campaign to blame Michael Dukakis.

Have I ever told you you look like Nancy Pelosi?

Apparently, fixing blame for how the story became public is more important than whether the original allegations had any merit. CJG has no idea whether they did or not, but he marvels that yet another feckless politician sallied forth on the winds of self-regard so high that it never occurred to him that a story like this, one way or another, was going to find daylight, especially when you're running for president of the United States. Dude, if you're running for president even your dental records are going to become public so there's no way the fact that your former employer paid cash settlements to your accusers, whether the allegations were true or not, isn't going to come out. And why shouldn't it? You want to be the leader of the free world? Then expect your life to be pried open. The mere fact that Cain seemed so utterly surprised and unprepared with a coherent, consistent response tells you a lot about his strategic planning skills, just as the fact that he didn't know China has nukes tells you something about his foreign policy qualifications. What next? Cain is going to tell us he can see Canada from his house?

CJG has this word of advice for Herman Cain. If you can't stand the heat, step away from the pizza oven.

CJG's Top Ten Annoying People of 2011

Yesterday, the last day of the year, crankyjewishguy (CJG) named his Top Ten Annoying People of 2010 which means it must be time to name the Top Ten Annoying People of 2011. See, that didn't take long. Topping the list for 2011, as she will every year as long as she remains publicly visible, is She Who Shall Not Be Named. You know, John McCain's running mate. The one who doesn't speak a single language fluently, even English.

Followers of CJG may have been surprised that yesterday's list did not include some obvious candidates for most annoying person, namely Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter and anyone who works at FOX News and has the chutzpah to call themselves a journalist. But there's a simple explanation for why they didn't make the list: CJG has shut them out completely so they don't bother him. So, who other than the Half Baked Alaskan are the other Top Ten Annoying People of 2011?

No. 1: Topping this year's list is the guy sitting next to CJG at Starbucks right now returning all the calls he missed last year. And he's not even having a coffee. He thinks he's in a large phone booth.

No. 2: Second is the guy at the other table next to CJG who is literally ripping up a year's worth of financial records as he gets a head start on his tax return. If this keeps up much longer, CJG is going to hand him a hundred bucks and tell him to go buy a paper shredder at Staples, provided he doesn't come back here and plug it in.

No. 3: The telemarketers at the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee (DSCC). CJG made a crucial contribution to the DSCC in late October that kept the Senate from falling into Republican hands. (You're welcome.) While CJG was happy to do so, he didn't realize that someone from the DSCC would call him every day for the rest of his life seeking additional contributions.

No. 4: Christine O'Donnell. There's a big cauldron of trouble brewing for the erstwhile Senate candidate from Delaware; something to do with using campaign donations to pay her rent and other personal expenses, such as her three year supply of eye of newt. She blames disgruntled former aides for her legal troubles, but CJG thinks that anyone who claims that scientists are breeding mice with human brains has bigger problems than an investigation by the Federal Election Commission. Are we doomed to have to spend the rest of our lives hearing from this pea brain? Maybe she should try and get into that mice experiment.

No. 5: Allen West. You may not have heard of Allen West yet, but trust CJG, you will. CJG first learned of Allen West while doing a little research on Idaho militias (that's another story) and one of them had a web site with this video of Allen West giving a speech somewhere. West is an African-American right wing extremist, which sounds about as dissonant as pastrami with mayo. More troubling, West is also the Congressman-elect from the the Boca Raton area. How a heavily Jewish congressional district in south Florida elected a black right wing extremist to congress is beyond CJG, especially since the incumbent's name was Ron Klein, but this is one scary dude, and really, really annoying, too.

No. 6: Stewie Griffin. Everything CJG's younger son knows about sex he learned from watching Family Guy. CJG actually loves Family Guy and Stewie Griffin but he has to admit that allowing Seth McFarland to effectively raise his younger child may have been a mistake.

No. 7: Justin Bieber. CJG got annoyed just typing his name. Too much fame too fast. My twelve year old niece loves this guy. Anyone want to hazard a guess when he'll do his first stint in rehab? Send your predictions to crankyjewishguy@gmail.com and whoever comes closest to picking the exact date will win a t-shirt with Bieber's picture on the front and the words "I Told You So" on the back.

No. 8: Speaking of rehab and cautionary tales, Lindsay Lohan makes this year's list in anticipation of repeated parole violations in 2011. Will someone please e-mail CJG and explain what this woman is famous for other than being a complete train wreck? Why do we keep reading about her?

No. 9: Finally, last but not least on CJG's Top Ten Annoying People of 2011 is college basketball color man, Dick Vitale. CJG hates to pick on another Jersey guy, especially one who hails from his home county of Bergen, but if you watch college hoops, as most of us do, you know the ubiquitous Vitale can wear out even the most enthusiastic fan. CJG can take the guy in small doses, but by the end of the basketball season in March, Vitale's over-the-top, non-stop boisterous exuberance can leave a ringing in your ears that doesn't abate until Labor Day. This is why your TV remote has a mute button.

How about a little peace and quiet, baby!