Adios, Herman!

Herman couldn't stand the heat so he got
out of the kitchen.

Crankyjewishguy (CJG) knows that there are millions of readers out there who depend on him for breaking news, so be prepared for this shocker: Herman Cain, beleaguered by accusations of sexual harassment and allegations of extramarital affairs, is “suspending” his presidential campaign, most likely until sometime in the 22^nd century. Republican voters fled Cain in droves as the allegations piled up, preferring instead a candidate with a proven record of marital infidelity, Newt Gingrich. Always seeking new levels of crazy, the GOP base is now just gaga over a disgraced former House speaker forced to leave Congress under an ethical cloud, whereupon he took up residence under another ethical cloud, taking millions in “consulting” fees from clients such as Freddie Mac even as he lambasted politicians for their associations with Freddie Mac lobbyists. In typical GOP fashion, Newt just changed the definition of lobbying so he could say he was never a lobbyist which is like saying water boarding isn’t torture because, well, because we say so. (Now fair is fair, Bill Clinton’s definition of sex excludes oral intercourse.)

Mitt Romney in his days at Bain Capital.

Now the person who must be ready to tear his million-dollar hair out about the latest turn of events in the GOP primary circus is Mitt Romney. As far as anyone knows, Massachusetts’s most handsome politician (sorry Scott Brown!) has been faithful to his wife, but even that’s not paying off as Republicans flee Cain for Gingrich. At least an extramarital affair would prove Romney has something other than ice in his veins. It would actually humanize him. Poor Mitt. If he were a thermostat the temperature would always read below freezing. Which is where his poll numbers are: frozen at 20%.

Actor John Hamm as Mitt Romney in the
remake of "It's a Wonderful Life." At Bain, Mitt
made millions buying companies and slashing
jobs and worker benefits -- a modern day Mr. Potter.

But let’s come back to horny Herman. Anyone who runs for president and doesn’t understand that their past behavior is going to become an issue obviously doesn’t know diddly squat about running for president. Has the guy never watched a previous campaign? And when you have absolutely no public record to talk about, you ‘d better be doubly prepared to have your entire life examined. After all, what else do we have to judge you on? How much pepperoni you put on your Godfather’s pizza? And it doesn’t help when you don’t know China has nukes and you aren’t sure why you disagree with Obama’s Libya policy because you aren’t sure what Obama’s Libya policy is. Cain, now nothing more than a punchline, was once the GOP front runner. What a party!

This Newt is a Weasel

This week, GOP presidential candidate and pompous, self-righteous boor Newt Gingrich attempted to square a circle and explain why he accepted more than $1.5 million in "consulting" fees from Freddie Mac while blasting others who had ties to the mortgage giant. Have people forgotten that Gingrich, a former Speaker of the House, left Congress under an ethical cloud? In 1997, the House voted overwhelmingly to reprimand Gingrich and fined him $300,000, the first time in American history a House speaker was ever reprimanded for ethics violations.

This ultimate Washington insider is now campaigning as the guy we need to change the culture in Washington. Is he kidding? He personifies everything that's wrong with Washington. Yet, he is now the reigning GOP frontrunner because, well, it was his turn. This is, of course, the same guy who was pushing for Bill Clinton's impeachment over a sex scandal at the same time he was cheating on his first wife because, as he later explained, he loves his country so much that he was working too hard on its behalf, got exhausted and then made some bad decisions. Even in North Korea they find his intellectual contortions, phony rationalizations and bogus explanations a bit much as you can see in the photo below as a focus group in Pyong Yang watches Newt during a recent appearance on ABC News.

Ask Crankyjewishguy Vol. 11: Which Way Does the Wind Blow?

As readers of crankyjewishguy (CJG) know, he takes great pleasure in answering questions from readers seeking wisdom and enlightenment, and goodness knows so many CJG readers are. It's sad, really, that this is where they turn for advice because it shows a certain desperation. CJG suspects these lost souls come to him having exhausted their psychiatrists, friends, and rabbis (and other clergy). But there's no doubt they have come to the right place.

Today's question comes, remarkably enough, from GOP presidential hopeful Mitt Romney. CJG isn't sure if the question is political or meteorological, though.

Dear CJG:

Which way is the wind blowing?

Desperately seeking a compass,

Mitt Romney
On the Road in my Escalade in Iowa

Dear Mr. One-Term Governor of Massachusetts:

What an interesting question from the guy fellow GOP presidential candidate John Huntsman and, CJG might note, fellow member of the Church of Mormon called "a well-lubricated weather vane." Your question is simple on the surface, but perhaps more complex than you realize. But judging from the American flag flying outside the Starbucks where CJG works rent-free he would say, "north at about 8 mph."

But CJG suspects your question is really a philosophical one. In Massachusetts, where the winds tend to blow to the left, you flew the kite of reproductive rights, universal health care and reducing greenhouse gas emissions. Now, running in the GOP primaries where the wind blows right at about 200 mph with occasional gusts to 300 mph, you hoisted the sail of water boarding, climate change denial, repealing health care and the anthropomorphication of corporations. (If you don't know what anthropomorphication means, CJG suggests asking Rick Perry.) With all due respect, CJG suggests you seek out a quiet, windless retreat and try and figure out what you really believe in, if anything. Does that answer your question?

The weather vane atop Mitt Romney's La Jolla
mansion, the one he uses so he can tack
with the political winds.

On a separate note today, CJG notes that the GOP candidate du jour who is not Mitt, Newt Gingrich, acknowledged today that he had a more extensive relationship with Freddie Mac, the U.S. backed mortgage giant, than previously disclosed. Bloomberg is reporting Newt and/or his "consulting" firm received somewhere in the neighborhood of $1.6 to $1.8 in fees for "strategic advice" over a nine to ten year period that ended, ironically enough, in 2008. Given Freddie's role in the 2008 economic collapse, and its enormous debt, CJG surmises that Newt's advice may have been a tad off the mark. But here's the real laugh line; Newt says he wasn't hired as a lobbyist but in his capacity as a historian. Oh, really? One who just happened to be a former Speaker of House of Representatives? Like there weren't any non-government connected historians around? And since Newt's area of expertise, history-wise, seems to be the Revolutionary and Civil Wars, one wonders what expensive advice a mortgage lender would need from such a historian. How to use a musket?

Seriously, does this ring true to you? No doubt Newt will be out there promising that if elected he's going to change the culture in Washington. Sure thing, Newt. It's enough to make CJG want to give Mitt another look and CJG doesn't even vote Republican. But it is kind of understandable. The third Mrs. Newt has very expensive tastes and how else is a guy supposed to get a million dollar line of credit from Tiffany's?

"Oh, Newt, please buy me that nice monument in
the background!"

Excuse Me. Is That Your Foot?

Believe crankyjewishguy (CJG) when he tells you he isn't pulling your leg about this story he read online last week. British Columbia, as you may know, is a spectacular place with magnificent coastlines, dramatic mountain peaks, and pure, crystal clear lakes. When CJG traveled there a few years back it reminded him of where he grew up in northern New Jersey.

But British Columbia has been plagued of late with a very bizarre form of pollution. Over the past four years, nine, yes nine, unattached human feet have washed up on British Columbia's shores, the latest one on a lakefront. This kind of stuff wouldn't even be news in New Jersey, but in bucolic British Columbia it's really out of the ordinary.

Daniel Day Lewis starred in the
 1989 film that foreshadowed
events in British Columbia.

The previous feet, all in running shoes, have washed up on ocean beaches. Six of them were determined to come from four individuals (meaning at least two pair of socks managed not to get separated in the laundry). The last one was in a hiking boot. But here's the kicker, if CJG can use that term: foul play isn't suspected in any of these cases. Really? Somehow, at least six people went for a run or a hike, became separated from their feet, and foul play isn't suspected? CJG wonders what kind of evidence in a rash of missing feet cases would lead investigators to believe all of these people either outran their own feet, or otherwise managed to become separated from their primary means of locomotion by natural means. (By the way, for a fabulous rendition of Carole King's smash hit, Do the Locomotion, click here. That's Slash, no pun intended, on guitar. And note the YouTube headline: "Carole King feat Slash.")

Now, CJG is no detective or forensic anthropologist, but it strikes him that if these feetless people were dead, chances are other part of their bodies would likely have turned up at some point, too. Really, what are the chances that six or seven people in British Columbia could lose their feet and not have other body parts running around somewhere (so to speak). On the other hand, if these people were still around surely someone at some point would have noticed and said to them, "hey, what happened to your foot?" Or in at least two cases, if CJG's math is right, "what happened to your feet? Forget them on the trail?" CJG would also be interested to know what brand of running shoes and hiking boots were involved so he can buy other brands.

Astute fans of the hit TV series Lost always knew
this scene was shot in British Columbia, not Hawaii.

This is truly a first rate mystery. Almost as mysterious as the whereabouts of Rick Perry's brain.

If I Only Had a Brain

Wow. Crankyjewishguy (CJG) hardly knows where to begin. This week proved it's a target-rich environment out there.

Let's start with last night's debate performance by Not Ready for Prime Time Rick Perry who couldn't remember one of the three federal agencies he is pledging to eliminate as president which is actually OK since his chances of becoming president just dropped to about negative 100%. Perry has come off as such a buffoon that he's probably also dealt a serious blow to being re-elected governor of whatever state he thinks he is governor of. CJG read a report that he recently signed an execution order for an inmate on death row in New Jersey only to be reminded by a senior aide that he is governor if Texas. "Is that next to Louisiana?" the incredulous governor was overheard to ask. As Jonathan Chait of New York Magazine writes this morning, "ultimately, Rick Perry is going to be remembered as the man too stupid to win this Republican nomination. That is a remarkable feat." 

Rick Perry demonstrates his technique for neutering a Texas Longhorn.

Then, of course, there's the brilliantly run Herman Cain campaign which confirmed to Sean Inanity that the son of one of Cain's accusers works for POLITICO, the news outlet that broke the Cain sexual harassment story. Booya! Nailed that sucker. Except that the guy in question used to work at POLITICO and now works for another news organization. An insignificant, minor discrepancy? Perhaps. But it turns out the guy isn't even related to the accuser; they just happen to have the same last name! Now that's rich!

If Herman Cain doesn't want anyone looking into past allegations of sexual harrassment, maybe he should run for office in Italy where the Prime Minister can have sex with an underage prostitute and still hold on to power, only to be undone by the country's faltering economy. After all, as former chairman of Godfather's Pizza, if anyone is entitled to honorary citizenship in Italy it would be Cain. CJG wants to repeat that he doesn't know if these allegations are true, but the women who have come forward so far seem credible and to argue that this is irrelevant is disingenuous. Character is important and if a candidate is a serial harasser of women, well then voters can decide how important it is to them. But Cain's denials and the way his campaign is flailing around trying to assign blame for how the story became public doesn't pass the smell test. CJG's personal opinion is that this isn't some conspiracy to bring down Herman Cain. Who needs one? When it comes to self-destruction he's running a close second to Rick Perry.

Justin Bieber Did What?

Can we come back to Herman Cain for a minute? Crankyjewishguy (CJG) is growing increasingly concerned that the Cain sexual harassment controversy is stealing much needed attention from a far more important issue -- whether 12 year-old Justin Bieber fathered a child with a star struck fan he invited backstage after one of his concerts. Not only is Bieber one the greatest artists of all time (and CJG isn't just talking music here, you can throw Monet, Shakespeare and Pee Wee Herman in there, too), but he's a future presidential candidate so this issue is more significant than your usual Inside Edition fodder. Bieber is also a job creator. (CJG knows Bieber is 17, so please, just go with it.)

Just call me "Dad."

NEWS FLASH: CJG just learned that Justin Bieber is never going to be president of the United States. He's Canadian. Too bad.

Nevertheless, how can the public be expected to pay proper attention to the Bieber controversy when the Cain affair is sucking up so much air? There's only so much of this "he said, she said, but the DNA doesn't lie" that the public can absorb at one time.

The details of the Bieber affair, as laid out in a law suit by Mariah Yeater, the woman in question, are, to put it mildly, interesting. Bieber, she claims, was a virgin and that the act, which occurred in the romantic setting of a bathroom, lasted thirty seconds. (No wonder it wasn't twins.) But CJG thinks it's just a wee bit curious that the biggest pop star on the planet needed to ask a complete stranger back stage in order to lose his innocence when women of all ages are probably offering to lend a hand.

Abstinence advocate and unwed
teenage mother Bristol Palin
and baby. Note boy scout in
background protecting her virtue.
Could that be Justin Bieber's baby?

Hopefully, the National Restaurant Association won't settle the Bieber case, too, because only in a courtroom will the truth come out. And when it does, CJG predicts it will be of absolutely no consequence.

A Pizza Man You Can't Refuse?

OK, crankyjewishguy (CJG) just found a ten foot pole so he's going to touch this Herman Cain controversy. Hope he doesn't electrocute himself.

Unless you've been traveling in Bulgaria for the past two weeks you probably know that GOP presidential candidate and former chairman of the Godfather's pizza chain is struggling to deal with revelations that he was twice accused of sexual harassment by female employees of a trade association of which he was president. The motto for Godfather's, by the way, is "a pizza you can't refuse." Maybe Cain thought that applied to the company chairman, too.

Outraged professional pundits such as Rush Limbaugh and Ann Coulter immediately blamed liberals for the story arguing that liberals can't stand to see a conservative black man rising, as if this wouldn't be a story if we were talking about a white presidential candidate. (Hello, John Edwards.) But the Cain campaign itself didn't blame "liberals"; it blamed the Rick Perry campaign. And the Perry campaign blamed the Mitt Romney campaign. And Newt Gingrich said if any Republican candidate was responsible for leaking the sexual harassment story to the press they should be drawn and quartered as if it's better such things be swept under the carpet. Newt, of course, has good reason not to want bad behavior like this to become an issue: he's an admitted adulterer who left his cancer-stricken wife for another woman. It's getting a little bit like an Agatha Christie novel. CJG is waiting for the Romney campaign to blame Michael Dukakis.

Have I ever told you you look like Nancy Pelosi?

Apparently, fixing blame for how the story became public is more important than whether the original allegations had any merit. CJG has no idea whether they did or not, but he marvels that yet another feckless politician sallied forth on the winds of self-regard so high that it never occurred to him that a story like this, one way or another, was going to find daylight, especially when you're running for president of the United States. Dude, if you're running for president even your dental records are going to become public so there's no way the fact that your former employer paid cash settlements to your accusers, whether the allegations were true or not, isn't going to come out. And why shouldn't it? You want to be the leader of the free world? Then expect your life to be pried open. The mere fact that Cain seemed so utterly surprised and unprepared with a coherent, consistent response tells you a lot about his strategic planning skills, just as the fact that he didn't know China has nukes tells you something about his foreign policy qualifications. What next? Cain is going to tell us he can see Canada from his house?

CJG has this word of advice for Herman Cain. If you can't stand the heat, step away from the pizza oven.