The Ten Commandments of Spinning Etiquette: Thou Shalt Schvitz!

Please note that starting tomorrow crankyjewishguy (CJG) will be filing from The Homeland: Puerto Rico. He is assuming they have Internet there. As CJG will be wandering The Homeland for a week, if he is unable to get online he will not be able to post. If CJG does not reappear by New Year's Eve, please notify whatever authorities you deem appropriate.

Let crankyjewishguy (CJG) reintroduce readers to Bill, CJG's technical advisor and spin instructor. Bill and his sister, Alex, own Spynergy, an awesome spin studio in Wellesley, Massachusetts. This is Bill:

Bill is widely considered one of the most innovative people in stationary indoor cycling today. Proof in point: the protective head gear and artificial breathing apparatus. Some in this arcane, somewhat obscure, marginally relevant field even call Bill "a genius," though CJG thinks this is overstating it a bit. CJG realizes Bill looks a little like the winged God, Mercury, in this photo, but that's just a light fixture on the wall behind his head. Why Bill is wearing golf shoes CJG doesn't know. You'll have to ask him.

CJG is an avid spinner (in winter) and cyclist (in spring, summer and fall). It's how he keeps his youthful figure. CJG has given a lot of thought to spin and has developed, in consultation with Bill, CJG's Ten Commandments of Spinning Etiquette that he generously shares with you here (not be confused with The Ten Commandments):

CJG'S TEN COMMANDMENTS OF SPINNING ETIQUETTE® 

            Nothing ruins a good spinning class like bad spin etiquette. Spinning is about camaraderie, group spirit and good karma. Why is etiquette so important? Because it makes you a better human being. It makes for a world worth living in. It ensures that you don’t inflict your petty needs and wants on others. Etiquette keeps other people from thinking of you as obnoxious, self-centered, and egotistical even if you are obnoxious, self-centered and egotistical. New spinners and experienced spinners alike should memorize and observe CJG'S Ten Commandments of Spin Etiquette®  or risk the opprobrium of the group.

1. Though Shalt Follow General Decorum. Spinning is very demanding exercise and new spinners often overdo it the first time in a thinly disguised effort not to appear weak and inadequate. But the shame of being a beginner pales in comparison with the shame of actually throwing up in class. So, know your limits, restrict alcohol intake to no more than six drinks in the previous two hours, and, under no circumstances come to class under local anesthesia.
2. Though Shalt Not Chit-chat (part 1). Chatting is for the coffee shop. There are some people who call themselves spinners who see spin class as just another occasion to gossip, and the majority of these chit-chatters, CJG is obliged to point out, are women. These are not true spinners. These are people talking while sitting on stationary bikes. If you can carry on a conversation during spin class you need to turn up the tension on your flywheel and pedal faster.
3. Thou Shalt Not Chit-chat (part 2). It is never, ever, OK to use your cell phone while spinning. In fact, if your ringer so much as goes off during class it is not only acceptable, but encouraged, for your fellow riders to bludgeon you to the edge of death with sweaty towels. Though CJG said “never, ever” there actually is one exception. It is OK to call to call someone on one of the other bikes to tell them to stop talking.
4. Thou Shalt Not Be Late. Come to class on time, especially if you are new to spinning. There are new people who come into class just as it’s about to start and then need help setting the various adjustments on the bike, assurance from the instructor that they will not be carried out of class on a stretcher, and a recitation of the various spinning positions. This delays the start of class for everyone else during which time the gossipers work up an irreversible momentum. Very bad vibe.
5. Thou Shalt Observe Basic Rules of Good Hygiene. Wipe down your bike after class! For an hour your sweat has been dripping all over the handlebars and the tension knob and accumulating in a puddle underneath the bike. Please, take a minute to help prevent the spread of disease. The Centers for Disease Control has verified that most global pandemics begin not on Vietnamese poultry farms or in remote Nigerian villages, but in suburban indoor cycling studios. (For men, condoms are always recommended.)
6. Thou Shalt Not Eat. Never bring anything to eat during spin class. There was a guy who used to spin at a club with CJG who always brought a banana to eat during class. What next? An Egg McMuffin®? Hey, man, it’s spin class, not the Tour de France! At least share.
7. Though Shalt Not Smoke. It probably goes without saying, but please, NO SMOKING until after class.
8. Thou Shalt Dress for the Occasion. Heart monitors are acceptable. Wearing a portable defibrillator is not. Discrete, unobtrusive jewelry, such as a cross or Star of David worn around the neck, is OK. Wearing a yarmulke and a talus is not. There is no religious discrimination in spin class, but style is important and you simply cannot spin properly if you are dressed like a rabbi. Silent prayer is permitted since it is often needed.
9. Thou Shalt Not Yell. Some spinners get so carried away in their own reverie they treat spin class like a Southern Baptist Tent Revival, yelling “Amen,” “Hallelujah,” and other words of rapturous joy in response to the instructor’s commands. Others sometimes let loose with a Navajo war whoop. This is very distracting to other spinners who, lost in their own reverie, can be easily startled and then fall off their bikes.
10. Thou Shalt Not Covet Other Spinners (some restrictions may apply). This is a nuanced area of spin etiquette that may take months to master. Let’s start with the simple first rule of looking. It is always OK to look at the instructor. That’s why he or she is there. To be looked at. Looking at the instructor helps you figure out what to do. Should I be in the saddle? Should I be pedaling faster? Is the class over? Visual cues from the instructor help you answer such questions. If you haven’t seen the instructor for more than ten minutes it is safe to assume that class is over and you can stop pedaling. It is impolite for men to stare directly at the beautiful woman in skin tight, low cut Spandex. You may, however, select a bike that gives you a perfect view of the beautiful woman in skin tight, low cut Spandex in the mirror in which case the only other people in class who know you are staring at the beautiful woman in skin tight, low cut Spandex are other male riders who, had they gotten to class earlier, would be riding the bike you are on. Women are always allowed to check out the men in the class, but should do so in the first ten minutes of class before their staggering incompetence becomes apparent.

Flying the Friendly Skies

Last week my older son calls home from college down south and he’s sick as a dog in the middle of finals and he’s beside himself. All drama this one. He gets a cold and you’d think he has the Plague. The younger one? He could sever his carotid artery and he’d put on a band-aid and go back to his video games. Don’t get me started on his video games. He’s seen more action than David Petraeus.

Anyway, the older one? He’s in finals at a fine southern institution, Harvard on St. Charles, and he ends up in the emergency room with strep and a stomach virus and now he has to reschedule his exams. You think he’s inconvenienced? Now I have to call the airline and get him on another flight. Have to be careful here because my friend, Bill, my social networking technical guy (see photo), tells me big corporations have software that searches the Internet for their name so they can track everything people say about them and if they don’t like what you say they’ll hunt you down like a dog and sue you.

Anyway, so I call JetIndigo and I explain my son is practically dying in New Orleans, but he’s supposed to fly home on Saturday even though it’s the Sabbath, and he’s using one of my frequent flyer awards. (If you need a flight to Florida click here.) He tells me they can change the flight but it costs $100. So I say, listen, I just had to put a new oxygen sensor in my Volvo and I’m a little strapped for cash at the moment, but I’ll call back because I don’t know when my son is going to pull out if his coma and he says, oh, by the way, did you know we had a schedule change for his flight back to school? No biggie, I figure, but if I hadn’t called when exactly were you planning to tell me this? You think I have ESP? So, he says, we cancelled that flight so he’s on a flight the next day. So, I said, well that’s not a schedule change, that’s a whole other flight on a whole other day and he has to be back at school and I only booked this flight like, oh, six years ago and it’s going to cost you $100 because I have a policy that if my airline changes my flight I charge them $100 and if he wants I can have my lawyer, Goldberg, fax him my terms of service. And I tell him we’re really good customers and as a matter of fact the four of us are flying JetIndigo to Puerto Rico over Christmas (more on that next week) so they should be nice to me. Then I say, how about we make a deal?  I don’t charge you for changing his flight back and you don’t charge me for changing his flight home and we’ll be even. He says sorry, he can’t do that. It’s policy. Oooooh, policy. Like it's carved in stone like the Ten Commandments.

JetIndigo agent displays the airline's Terms of Service.

OK, so my son starts to get better and I call back to see what flights are available and I get another agent and we go through the same routine. JetIndigo won’t budge. I wait some more because my precious son still isn’t sure when he’ll be done with exams. So, I call back again when he knows and this time the agent says, of course, we’ll waive the fee since we moved your son’s flight a whole day. I didn’t even have to argue, which was kind of disappointing. And I’m like that’s interesting because I called twice before and they refused and she says all the agents have discretion to waive the fee. From this I conclude that two out of three JetIndigo agents are obsessive compulsives. And now that I know that what do you think I’m going to do next time I need something from JetIndigo? Hondle, that’s what!

While I have your attention, I’m in Barry’s Deli the other day; great brisket sandwich! Anyway, on the bulletin board there's a piece of paper says, “Jewish Joke of the Year.” This is the unabridged joke: Two Jewish women were sitting quietly, minding their own business. Perfect!